Is this the place to raise the subject of adoption?

How lucky your adopted children and your GC are to have you, em.

Yes indeed em you are special

I think it's a huge privilege to be able to adopt and my own family is just fine (although there are issues and lively discussions) but it's the perception of others who have no experience that sometimes hurts. Is there a more hurtful and dismissive comment than referring to the REAL mother? Or assuming that once the birth mum has been successfuly contacted, then the adoptive parents become less relevant? Whatever I may say in discussion I would NEVER question or criticise the motives of the birth mums and have tried to convey to my daughters my sense of respect and gratitude to those brave girls.

My first job, from age 16, was at a County Court, where the final signing of the adoption papers was done in the Registrar's chambers. We used to love that particular day, with the adopting parents turning up with the baby in all its finery. The parents looked so happy, and the whole thing seemed so lovely and positive. None of us, I'm ashamed to say, gave much thought to the relinquishing mother, because back then in the early 60s we knew the poor lass would have had very little choice.

Now that those girls are at the grandmother age, many of them feel free, at last, to discuss their grief at giving up their new born babies. I suppose a lot of focus is on them right now, because times have changed and forcing a girl to give up her baby is unthinkable these days. I can see both sides of the coin, and still see those happy adopting parents, who were often going to give their new babies a much better life than the young lass could have.

When you think about it logically, everyone stood to benefit from adoption: the young lass got her freedom, the baby got the chance of a very good life, and the parents got the babies they never thought they could have.

But logic doesn't always prevail when it comes to human feelings and the love of a mother for her baby. You would need the wisdom of Solomon to sort this one out.

As I said on another thread my daughter found me when she was in her mid thirties having been looking for some time with the encouragement of her adopted mother (she didnt look in the right places and found me on Friends Reunited I had been registered with the appropriate agency for soime time but thats my girl). She adored her adopted parents now sadly both dead and we agreed that they would always be Mummy and Daddy and I am Mumma Sue. Recently she has started introducing me as her Mum. Names seem to be significant for her.

I've read SusieB's posts with great interest and I appreciate sharing her experience. My DD1's birth mum is a regular visitor and we both found it hugely reassuring when we first met and were able to fill the gaps. What surprised both of us was our different perceptions of the adoption. She told me that she was so grateful that we enabled her to go back to unversity, while I was just incredibly grateful to her for the precious gift of my DD. We laughed at the thought of measuring the amount of gratitude and who had won! She went on to have more children, all of whom my DD has met. DD2 however has no wish at all to trace and meet her birth mother. My girls are very different and each has her own point of view. I believe they are both right and they have made their own decisions.

Hi em I've just posted to you on the In My Day thread. Didn't know you'd already started a separate one on adoption. Whoops.

I have a relation by marriage, who was adopted. He found out badly ...his adoptive mother died,then, one day on holiday ...still at primary school ...he found his adoption papers!! It wasn't until he was about to leave home to go to on to college that he spoke to his father about it. This really scarred him.

Many years later, when I was doing some family research, I pointed out to him ...that if he didn't trace his birth mother ...his children would always have that part of their heritage closed to them.

Well he, his wife and their children did find and have met his 'first' family ...many of his siblings have similar interests to him, one the same career. He understands why he was given up ...and has come to terms with it emotionally.

I wonder ...when is a good time to tell a child that they are adopted?

I am adopted, my birth mother is now my friend - she lives only about 30 miles away - even though we are both originally from London we are both now in the SW of England.

I have 3 half siblings, 2 of whom I have met one still to meet.

I grew up knowing that I was special and had been chosen by my parents, unlike the rest of humanity who had to take the child they were given!!
When I was pregnant myself I began to understand the complexity of giving up a child and decided to trace my birth mother. Sadly my adoptive mother had some serious mental health issues, many of which I now suspect were connected to the fact that she did not have children born to her. She would have been destroyed to think that I needed to find by birth mother and would have perceived it as her having failed in some way as a mother. I finally met S about 6 years ago, after the death of my adoptive mother, and we have maintained a relationship ever since.

When my son was born my husband and I decided not to have a second child but to adopt one, and we went through the adoption approval process.

As someone who was adopted I found it incredibly interesting and moving, sadly the social worker from the right on London borough we were with had difficulty in understanding our motivation, she insisted I attended counselling to explore the issues around my own adoption. Many of the others on the course did not understand why I wanted to adopt if I could have a child born to me.

It was like having a jigsaw with a couple of bits missing and then finding them and the picture being complete, all the questions are now answered.
Sadly I never met my father, however I do know that my son is the image of him!

Like absentgrana I too posted on the In My Day thread - sorry!

Jacey - if you ask my DD1 when she was told of her adoption, she'd tell you that she just always knew! I built the facts into bedtime stories which became favourites and then included DD2 too. It simply told about a man and lady who were very happy and the only thing they wanted in the whole world was a baby of their own. It was very closely tailored to suit her as the best baby in the world would have red hair, freckles etc etc. It went on as you'd expect but the punch-line was always.....'and the lady was Mummy and the man was Daddy and the baby was YOU!' She has always seemed confident abut her adoption - to the extent that she has pointed out to her brother (conceived unexpectedly and naturally 10 years later!) that he was just a fluke!! PS We never told them that Mummy and Daddy had a choice of lots of babies and chose them.

That's absolutely perfect em - I wish my DIL had been told something like that then perhaps she wouldn't have a HUGE chip of her shoulder about not being "wanted"

Did you know that you can't adopt someone who is eighteen or over. We discovered this when we tried to adopt and were shocked. It was very important to us and the prospective adobtee: such a disappointment (it would have made the person's son into our "real" grandchild"). One of these days I'm going to bring it up with our MP but have more important things to lobby her about just now, like Climate Change and what this government's not doing about it.........sorry, I easily get off the subject.

I wrote something here then deleted it because I felt it was too personal, but it's all about the heartrending process of adopting. I fully accept that children's needs, and their safety, are paramount, but am witnessing almost two years af training and investigation and errors by the local authority, while somewhere there are children waiting in care for a good home. Meanwhile, two prospective parents are waiting too.

Ariadne - my heart goes out to you and the potential adopters. 35 years ago I made enquiries about adoption expecting to be told of a long, difficult and maybe impossible process. I was SO lucky and I know that the 'rules' have changed since then. However, please encourage them to hang on in there! I know of a young couple whose son has just celebrated his 2nd birthday - having been adopted at 10 months. He could have been with them so much sooner but now it really doesn't matter to any of them. My dear niece qualified a couple of years ago as a social worker and now has the job she dreamed of -dealing with prospective foster parents - either short term or with adoption in prospect. She is very dedicated and conscientious and I know she will bring happiness to families very like the one you are supporting.

Oh, thank you, Em. They will hang on, I know, and so will we. x

Just to say that we now have two new grandsons of 2 and nearly 4! They are lovely, and we are all joyful. They had been in care for over 18 months.

Theirs is not my story to tell, but I did so much want to share this with you all.

Thank you Ariadne, that's lovely news ]

Wonderful for you and your family, Ariadne. Are you moving to be closer to them?

I notice that em was a poster on this thread and realise we haven't heard from her for a long time. Are you there, em, 'lurking' in the background?

It is very interesting to read this thread - I worked as a SW in a maternity hospital when I first qualified and was involved in adoption quite a bit - mostly what were then called unmarried mothers who felt they had little choice but to give up their babies. It is interesting that on this thread the adopters were mainly blessed with children from that scenario; but nowadays it is all completely - single mothers now mainly keep their children and those that come up for adoption are those who have been received into care because of family problems, so they tend to be older, damaged emotionally, disabled or part of a set of siblings - it is all so different now.

A very close family member adopted two and one of her children is so damaged - their lives are ruled by this child's needs and it is enormously stressful. And there is virtually no support from the placing agency or organisations like CAMHS. I am very troubled by the stress under which they are living - their lives have been ruined really - which sounds harsh, but it really is the case. They love this child and strive to do their best, but the cost is huge.

ariadne
How super for your family

Ariadne, that's wonderful news. Those little boys are loved so much already, I'm sure.

Ariadne that is lovely, I wish you all the joy in the world

Ariadne how lovely that two children have "found" a place in the heart of your family. Many congratulations all round.