Live webchat with Miriam Stoppard 22 September 1-2pm

I'm really sorry I have to go now, I've thoroughly enjoyed answering your questions and chatting to you today. I'm sorry I haven't been able to answer all of them, but I'll come back for another session...if you like?

skydiver

My son and his wife spend far more time with the other grandparents than they do with us. The grandchildren (5 and 7) talk about the other grandparents all the time when they are here - my daughter-in-law's parents are much younger than us and live nearer to them. I can't help feeling jealous. I don't feel we can have the same relationship. Have you any suggestions to help me stop feeling bad about this, or to improve the situation and feel less cut off and second rate?

Hi skydiver,

I do sympathise with you. There's quite often an imbalance between grandparents in a family and on occasion, it's hard not to feel jealous, but to be honest it's hardly avoidable, because daughters often relate more closely to their mothers than mothers-in-law, it's a fact of nature. But there's no harm in trying to be the nicest mother-in-law that ever lived, so that you're always made welcome.

Perhaps I can help you if I illustrate a situation that exists in my own, quite large, family. I have four sons, therefor I have four daughters-in-law, therefore I'm a mother-in-law to all these women. In one of them, the parents of my daughter-in-law live in America, and they see their grandchildren no more than four times a year. they are an example to all grandparents in this situation. They never begrudge me my time with their grandchildren and show their gratitude that I'm on hand for their daughter whenever she needs me. They show absolutely no jealousy about my contact with the family, and so, by their kind actions, they're giving us the freedom and space to behave well.
I try to remember their generosity all the time.

Twobabes

A question to Miriam about how things change - or do they?
Bringing up my ch'n, born in the late 70s, your advice and attitudes matched the way I hoped to do things and it was important to me that you were going through it all yourself with your boys. I recently found a copy of your childcare book written at that time and still love the practical advice and the acceptance that there is not an easy answer for everything! It all still sounds so very sensible. What would you say or do differently today? PS Have given the book to my daughter who wishes she'd had it when her first was born! Thank you from us both.

Dear twobabes,

Thanks very much for those kind words! Yes, I think things have changed, and sometimes, very basic things have changed. So that grandparents can safely and comfortably navigate the choppy waters of modern childcare, I've actually written a book specially for them. What it's about is how childcare has changed in the decades since they were mums. It's called Grandparents - How to enjoy and care for your grandchildren, published by Dorling Kindersley (I think it's 14.99).

It's not didactic. In a way it's a trip down memory lane, because all the way through the book I say things like "remember when you used to..." and "you've been doing this for years..."My aim in writing it was to inform grandparents of the latest fashions in baby and childcare so that they would understand the hows and whys of their own children doing things differently. Quite a lot, you know, has changed for the better. In this category I would include breastfeeding, new ways of weaning, new bedtime routines, new responses to crying, new ways of talking to children and new ways to encourage good behaviour.

It's a gentle book, which might nudge you in the direction of realising that your children's ways could be as good as your own. Hope this helps!

flopsybunny

Miriam, I understand you are a step granny as well. I have two "blood" grandchildren and two step grandchildren, and try as I might, I can't feel the same about the step grandchildren. Is this normal?

Hi flopsybunny,

I'm stepgranny to eight grandchildren! While I understand that blood is thicker than water, and I'm sure your feelings are both normal and common.

I think it helps a lot if you simply think of a stepgrandchild as a child you can get closer to than you can with any child who's not part of your family.

My stepgrandchildren are very precious to me for this reason, and whilst in my heart I may have a special place for children that carry my genes, I treat them all the same in terms of the time I spend with them, the activities I do with them, the presents I buy them, the birthday treats I give them. I have some of my closest times with my stepgrandchildren when I take them on holiday with me, and there's just the two of us. The same thing happens when I have them for a sleepover. I think a stepgranny can add a whole new perspective to a child's life and so I work quite hard with my stepgrandchildren.

Also, just noticed, TashaandRiver, that you're in Tarn et Garonne. I know you're having amazing weather because my sister tells me it's in the high thirties! I have a place in the Tarn and I wish I were there with you!

rosiemus

I would love to ask Dr Miriam about night terrors and how to deal with them. Is it best to wake the child up when they are distressed then comfort them or should we try to calm them down while still asleep? Thank you

Hi rosiemus,

Most children have a form of night terrors, certainly my own sons did. And they are frightening. Your child seems to be completely out of touch with you in a strange and frightening world that you can't reach. Night terrors are akin to, though not the same as, nightmares and sleepwalking, and they usually happen in the late toddler years as a child's world seems to expand at an enormous rate. In fact, they're nothing to be afraid of, because your child doesn't remember them.

I think the best way to think of them is that your child is trying to reconcile the perhaps conflicting things that happen to him during the day. Quite often, if you try to embrace the child they will fight you off, with screams of 'Don't touch me', which can seem hurtful, so don't touch them. You shouldn't wake a child having a night terror, just stay with them until it passes, and make sure they don't hurt themselves. They'll quieten and fall asleep again after a few minutes.

TashaandRiver

My question dovetails with that of Iola, namely that our 21/2 year old grand-daughter lives in Canada, and we see her four times a year. On her last visit to us in July, she started saying 'Don't want Grandma' whenever I came into the room. I decided to deal with it by turning it into a game, and saying, whilst making a funny face, 'Don't want Tasha', at which she laughed and said again 'Don't want Grandma..' I realised that is not the result I want to achieve, and am now flummoxed as to how to deal with it, when I see her again in October. I know she is only a very little girl, and I am the reasonably empathetic adult (retired psychotherapist!), but it still hurts, as I naturally want to build a warm relationship with her, which my son and daughter-in-law are extremely keen to encourage. She doesn't do the same with my husband. There is a new, 5 month old baby sister, whom she runs to and puts her arms around, saying, with a very baleful look at me: 'She's my baby'.

Any help would be very much appreciated, Miriam, and greetings from Tarn et Garonne!

Hi TashaandRiver,

Oh how sad. But I'm sure we can make it better. I think that when a new baby comes into the family, grandparents can come into their own because they can single out the older child for a lot of attention when everybody else is focused on the new baby.

So, as your children are keen for you to build a relationship with your granddaughter, I would suggest that you start planning for her October visit in a fair bit of detail, like thinking of exciting places you and grandpa can take her. As she has a good relationship with your husband, it would be a good idea if the two of you did the first of these activities, but then maybe after a couple, you could do one on your own with her. If you scout around for fun things to do in your locality, you could draw up an action-packed agenda. It might be a good idea to take a steer from your children about her favourite things to do, so that she would see the time she spends with you as real treats.

You have to believe that everything can change, and you're clearly such a kind person, and an intelligent one that I'm sure you'll foster a good relationship with your granddaughter.

upsydaisy

My daughter struggles getting my 17 month old grandson to eat. He's never been overly fond of meal times and it takes a good deal of patience to get food down him. If he's in the mood for eating (which isn't often) he'll just sit there and open his mouth for her to spoon feed him but doesn't participate himself. If he's not in the mood then she has to put all the items of food on to his highchair table and hope for the best that he might eat some of it, though he usually ends up throwing most of it on the floor. I know she gets very frustrated and worries that he's not getting enough nutrients, although he seems healthy enough and has put weight on since birth at a very steady 1-2lb per month. She gets fed up because she tries to cook him healthy home cooked food only to find that he won't eat any of it. He seems to be surviving on mainly toast, yoghurt and peas which is not a very balanced diet. Any ideas on how to make meal times a bit more fun would be welcome.

Hi upsydaisy,

I understand, I know, it’s very easy to get worked up about a child not eating enough food, apparently. But quite often, our adult expectations are out of kilter with a child’s needs, particularly at the age of your grandson, 17 months. At around 15 months, children start to eat in a completely different way from how they did in their first year, when they would gobble up everything you put in front of them. Toddlers on the other hand had gone through this enormous growth spurt and their metabolism is slowing down. They no longer require either the meals or the amount of food that they did previously. Their metabolism demands that they eat little and often, something I call grazing. If allowed to do this, they will eat just as much nourishing food as they would with three square meals.

Ok, now about the frustration, because it is frustrating. Even at 17 months, your grandson knows that he can control his parents and you by not eating, and it’s a battle you can never win, because no one can make him eat. The answer is to relax. Chill. Don’t press food on him. Don’t encourage him to eat. Don’t nag him to clear the plate. Ignore. A toddler never starved themselves. As long as you keep supplying nourishing food in a way that he enjoys, he will eat all he needs.

GeraldineGransnet

For everyone's info, this is the original post from afar on the other thread:

When your adult kids had their baby/ies and came to visit you, did you expect to be the only one holding, feeding and comforting him/her, to the exclusion of everybody else and the parents? If the mom or dad went to pick up baby when crying did you feel slighted? If someone else like a cousin or aunt ask the mom if they could feed or hold baby, did you go and take baby from them because granny has more rights than everyone else?I'm trying to deal with issues I've had with MIL and need to get a feel for what grannies think...

Thanks to Gally for passing the question from afar onto this thread.

As someone who is quite a hands-on granny from time to time, my approach has always been that I would aspire to be nothing more than a mother's help. I'm there to help my kids bring up their children the way they want to. I defer to my children on all matters of childcare, and I wouldn't dream of going against their wishes. Even though, I have to admit, at times it's been very hard to follow that philosophy.

I also ask my children to give me a steer on any contentious subject, like feeding, treats, bedtimes, and what other people call 'discipline'. This has the advantage of making us all feel comfortable, which is really what we should want for the kids' sake.

As far as your mother-in-law is concerned, afar, I think you have to be pretty firm, and say you have specific ideas about how your children will be brought up, and while you're very grateful for her help, because you'd really like to work with her as a team. It would be a good idea to have a chat with your partner and tell him what you're going to do, because you need him on your side when you come to speak to his mother.

lola

We have a 5 yr old granddaughter whom I care for twice a week. We are pretty close. She has spent quite a lot of time with us over the years, although my hubby is usally at work when I collect her (twice a week from nursery school). The problem is that she has always been very wary of my husband, even as a 9 month old in terms of closeness and affection and I know he finds this difficult and hurtful. She talks a lot about him and is very excited when she knows he's coming home, but this is always short-lived and as time has goes on she can sometimes be quite spiteful toward him too. Although he's mostly put up with the situation his patience is now wearing thin and its especially difficult for him to know what to do to improve matters as I know that we would both like him to have a closer relationship with her and are at a loss to know where her behaviour has come from. He is an intelligent and thoughtful man who does not normally react impetuously toward her, but tries to deal quietly with the situation, but its clearly not working. Is this a common problem with girls and Grandfathers?

Hi lola,

I’m sorry that your granddaughter doesn’t relate well to your husband and there may be reasons for her behaviour that you’ll never get to the bottom of. I think it would help a lot if she got to know her grandpa a bit better, because it’s very natural on visits for you to be the person who does most for her, and therefore relate to her most of the time.

Every child responds to one on one focused attention, there are no exceptions. In a one to one situation a child feels special, in the spotlight, the centre of attention, and that’s a very good feeling for a five-year-old. So, I would suggest that her grandpa takes your granddaughter out, without you, to one of her favourite activities, or a place that she really enjoys visiting and they do things that she loves together, with a few treats thrown in. It would be marvellous if such an excursion could last half a day, including bus and train rides, walking, cycling, swimming, the park, a museum, a playground etc. I think you’ll find their relationship will never be the same after this.

duckysnan

i have a large breast lump a fybodemia? spelling...it is quite painful but i have had it for at least fourteen years..maybe six before that...i am not allowed to have an aspiration and breast scan....without first having a mammogran. i won't have a mammogran any more as it is just too painful..i was at a teaching hospital for a good few years..then the Proffesor moved and the system was changed...and i was thrown out...my local hospital suggested it was removed...
all i want is an aspiration every two years and a breast scan...but they have said...i have to have a mammogram first! they will not do the others...your advice would be most welcome.

Hi duckysnan,

I think what you're describing is a fibroadenoma - at least I hope it is, because it's not sinister. It's simply an enlarged lobule of your breast.

To be honest with you, I don't understand why you're not allowed to have an aspiration and a breast scan, because it would be very easy for you to have an ultrasound scan of your lump and an aspiration of any fluid in the lump done there and then under ultrascan control. If you're not already in the care of a breast specialist, I strongly suggest that you ask your family doctor to refer you to one.

I myself have had exactly this procedure done in a specialist breast unit and you can actually watch the needle go into your lump and for it to disappear as the fluid is withdrawn.

Not only would this give you peace of mind, but the fluid can be examined in the laboratory to exclude any suspicious cell changes. To do this procedure, a mammogram wouldn't be necessary.

susiecb

For Dr Miriam what in your view was so wrong with the traditional upbringing of discipline and standards in the home and society thast it needed to be rejected by todays childcare gurus. Everytime I mentioned something to my daughter about routines, bedtime , table manners, eating nutritionally and healthily I get the reply ' the book says you should do this or that'. I was once admonished by my daughter for giving my grandson a spoon of honey when he was about 14 months old ' the book' apparently said children cant have honey until they are three? I want her to act on her instincts as a mother rather than refrring to a book all the time - is this wrong?

Hi Susie,

I’m not sure that any way of bringing up children should be there because it’s traditional. We’re always learning new ways and we should embrace new and better ways as they arise. We now know, for instance, that a punitive approach works less well than the approach of rewarding for good behaviour (as opposed to punishing for bad behaviour) is much more successful, as it reinforces good habits, which replace bad habits.

I think sometimes too much is expected of children, for instance, I often see parents insisting on their children behaving like adults during mealtimes, sitting still, not wriggling about, not getting down from the table, eating everything that’s put in front of them. To my mind, insisting on grown-up table manners at an early age is bound to fail. Toddlers are too energetic and in any case, their metabolism dictates that they can’t eat a full meal three times a day, they have to graze. I think after the age of four, once a child’s open to reason, one can start practice table manners.

With regard to your daughter acting on her instinct, I think what’s preventing her is that she’s insecure because of all the information she gets and fear of criticism. Also, parenting these days is competitive, something we never experienced, but young mums and young parents are jostling each other to be top dog. That may be making her feel insecure.