Being a new widow

Gally I am so sorry for your loss please accept my condolences. I am not a widow but have cared for many couples as a nurse and what I have seen is that bereavement it is a slow process which has to be taken at its own pace. Doing what comes naturally for each person seems to be a good way to proceed. Some people don't make any changes for a very long time and others do things more quickly. Some move house some stay put. Try to do what you need and want not what others expect of you or what you think they expect of you. I do hope that this site is useful to you and offers you some friendship and support. Lots of people here to talk with. My very best wishes. xx

I'm not a widow Gally and have lived on my own on and off in the past, so probably have little to say that would be helpful. I would suggest that you make a point of cooking and eating proper meals and don't simply rely on snacks. I suspect that the next few months will be two steps forward and one step back. Remember that you are allowed to grieve and to rage. Remember too that there are many sympathetic ears on gransnet. All good wishes.

I am not able to help from any personal experience, but I just wanted to wish you well and "bon courage." You have a difficult journey now, but take heart that many have followed this route before you and have gradually achieved a new way of living. Maybe the important thing is to let people (new and old friends) into your life and branch out a bit when you feel ready. You need times to grieve and times to forget as well.
There are so many people on this forum who are with you in spirit and behind you every inch of the way.

Gally it was more than a year before my daughter felt she could even begin to sort through her husband's things. Yet another close relative had everything sorted and disposed of the day after her beloved partner's death. There is no 'right' time for anything, only you will know when you're ready. Please don't have too many expectations about what you will do and how you will cope - it will vary from day to day in the beginning. Coming on here and asking for advice is a great idea, as I'm sure you'll get lots of support and wisdom from people who have been in a similar position. (((hug)))

Gally My husband was in hospital for about five weeks before he died eighteen months ago so the first night alone after the family had gone back to their lives should not have been so bad. But it was different from being alone with him in hospital. A sort of beginning as well as an ending. It is important to know that you DO NOT have to rush at the sorting out. I still have his dressing gown hanging up in our bedroom. To me it is a comfort. I still have his walking boots under the coatrack in the hall.
My half-sister is a bereavement counsellor and she says eighteen months is still early days but I have made a new life for myself. I needed someone to take walks with more than I needed many things and I was lucky enough to have a friend who walked alone and now she misses me for walks when I visit the family. I go to the sort of things he wasnt a fan of and eat with people he might have been a bit cool with. I miss him very much and spend endless hours thinking about him but now I am able to think with joy about all the fun we had. The rows at the beginning and making up. WOW I think about the making up. I think about bringing up three boys and how I could never have done it without him. He was step-father to the older two and I would not have been the calm mother I was with them if I hadnt had him to help me see through my - what I can only call - overthetopness.
Sorry I am supposed to be reassuring you Gally and I do. You sound like a strong and sensible woman. The thing about eating properly is important and if you sat and enjoyed a glass or two together you can still do it. I dont find watching tv a comfort. Reading is fine. Sitting looking into our log-burner and thinking is OK. But we are all different. Just take this new/different life slowly if that is what you feel is right for you. Like me you sound as if you have a good family. Take comfort in that but this new life you make for yourself should be all of your own choosing. God bless.

gally I have been a widow now for nearly 9years. The first year is the worst. I remember after my daughter left to go home how desolate the first few nights were. But I promise you it does get better.one tip I will give you is to make sure you have a good alarm system with a panic button. It does seem better if you know help will come in an emergency.
I'm afraid I shut myself off from everyone and now wish I hadn't.
My saviour has been work. It keeps me focused and occupied. It also provides money to go on cruises.
Holidays can be difficult at first. My next door neighbour persuaded me to go on a cruise with her. I now go on my own and love it. You meet such interesting people.
Good luck, don't hesitate to pm me if you think I can help.

Hi Gally....it is a long journey but not all of it will be sad. I too had never lived alone and it does seem strange. The first few weeks are the hardest because you'll be adjusting to a new way of life but gradually as the days and weeks go by you will begin to do things your own way. After the initial adjustment to living solo I set my self a new challenge every week. Only simple things - sorting out a drawer, going out on my own, driving to see friends, re-reading through all the condolence cards (which I put into a folder to keep for my children). I think the most important advice is to be kind to yourself and to give yourself as much time as you need. Some days you'll feel fine, others all you'll want to do is curl up and feel sad. Take your time.
The year will be full of 'firsts'...some I coped with well and some not so well. It took me several years to really clear out the wardrobes etc and even then I kept back a few things.
The sadness will always be with you but your life will expand and grow and you'll incorporate it into your being. It does get easier.....

Hello, dear Gally. I have nothing useful to add, but just wanted to greet you at the start of this new journey, and to say that we are all here and thinking about you. (((((hugs)))))

I haven't got anything to add to the wise words that have been put on here Gally, but I just wanted to say hello. x

Gally sending warm thoughts and wishes for you

I have read some wise words above and while I cannot offer advice I do send my sympathy and love for what Ariadne describes as "this new journey". It is a situation that most of us will find ourselves in one day if it hasn't happenend already and when DH has been very poorly, I remind myself that it is what I signed up for without realising the full consequences of the commitment I was making

Gally, thinking of you as you start this new phase of your life. Hoping things go well for you. I am trusting that the warmth and wit and humour you have shown on Gransnet along with happy memories and your lovely family will get you through.

Just take small steps Gally ...some days will be better than others. Only you will know when it is right to do things ...we are all different and you will adjust to your new life. Treasure the memories. xxx

I just looked at the photo of your dear little dog. I'd like to think that he will be a great comfort to you, and that he 'understands' in a way that, perhaps, some people may not.I always remember a day when I was sad about something and was silently weeping as I was doing the washing up; I turned round to see both of my dogs sitting behind me with the most worried look on their faces. You also get out and meet so many nice people when dog walking, and it makes you go out when sometimes you don't feel like it [although it may be a bit remote where you are and passing dog walkers are few and far between].

gally all I can say is take every day as it comes and do things when you are ready and not when others feel you are.

Sending you lots of love and we will all be here if you need us.

Gally as others have said just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself and accept how you are. Everything changes and each day will be different. I'm so glad that I have met you here.

gally I cannot add anything useful. I can only imagine your feelings of deep dark sadness. You are never far from my thoughts. I hope that life becomes kinder as the days pass and the love that surrounds you gently lifts your spirits. xxx

You are in my thoughts every day too, gally, and I know that with the help of your daughters, even from a distance, you will accept the inevitable grief but also the happy memories. I hope that all the good wishes from GN-ers will help just a little too. xx

There's nothing I can add to all these wise words except to say I'm thinking of you.

I don`t have any advice to offer Gally, but am thinking of you, and sending all my best wishes to you xx

Gally you are in my thoughts too. Being alone can be good as well as lonely, just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to break down, or give up, or just scream and cry if you feel like it.
Whatever happens, you have a loving family, and a huge network of loving friends on here.
I wish you well xx

gally sending you love and (((hugs))).

I hope you will be able to plan a trip to Sydney before too long Gally.

Gally My thoughts are with you. I was widowed suddenly (motorbike accident) over 16 years ago. It is difficult at first and I didn't believe it could ever get easier but it does, believe me. It takes time but time is a great healer. I was lucky because my son was still at home and only 16 so it gave me something to concentrate on. Just take it day by day and don't lose touch with friends, mine were so good to me. I agree with all Lucid said there willl be bad days and better days and eventally the better ones will outweigh the bad ones.