need a friend

I am in South Hampshire . I am so relieved to find that it is not just me and that other people have come across unwelcoming or downright unfriendly people--- don't mean glad you have been hurt ! you know what I mean My mother never mixed with anyone outside the home, my father was very domineering so maybe it is something learnt or rather not learnt. I was very very shy when younger but I am much better now. I do have low self eteem though and not being able to make friends makes these feelings worse. But no one likes rejection do they?

I do all the things you are supposed to do like ask "Fancy getting together for a coffee sometime" , appear interested but not nosy, friendly not needy,don't discuss anything controversial etc etc, smile a lot but I just don't have what it takes it seems. Having opened my heart on here has been a relief in many ways and maybe we will all be more sensitive to how others may be feeling underneath.
I would be happy with just 1 friend I have got used to doing things alone and find solace in gardening. I have recently joined the National Trust and so that lone woman you see walking around the houses and gardens may be me. Give me a friendly smile won't you?

*nuttynana; will look out for you at NT properties this summer

I've been out all day, so only just caught up with GN, and think this thread just sums up so much of what we all find so supportive about it. So many of you sound just like me, and its lovely not to feel that maybe I am a bit 'odd' in finding making new friendships hard.

Best wishes and to all of us!

Since my husband developed MH problems I no longer have friends. He goes to bed very early and I sit alone at night wishing I still had the friends who withdrew from us. I only speak to the Samaritans now as they seem to be the only people who understand how hard it is to be friendless in this country of ours. Greetings to all those who feel the lack of friends in their lives.

Varya mental health problems are such a blight, not only for the sufferer, but also for those who are carers. I expect you may have already tried, but is there a carers support network/group in your area? Or perhaps you might contact one of your old friends and just honestly explain your situation and see if they were willing to pick up the threads again?
If not, and you're feeling lonely, please come and join in with us here on Gransnet and tell us how you're feeling. It's a great place to just be yourself and say what's on your mind.

Varya, this must be awful for you. Just when you need your friends, they have let you down. Have you been able to get any sort of counselling for yourself?

Varya I understand. My OH has health problems, gets very tired and doesn't really want to go anywhere. He's lovely, but quite a bit older than me and it doesn't help that I have no one to go out with myself! (He wouldn't mind). It is true that if you don't get out there you won't meet anyone, but sometimes it's easier said than done when you have no near neighbours and no way of knowing what's actually going on in the nearest town or village. Oh dear, now I sound llike a moaning Minnie!

Thank you Anagram, Greenmossgiel and Granny Activist for your kind replies. The carers support in monthly and miles away, but its good when you get there. Friends really do not want to know about my situation unfortunately and they certainly do not want to pick up the threads again. I go to an exercise class but do not think the women there want to make friends as they have their own circle and their husbands do not have MH probs. I think I will be back on here again before long to chat with the good people here.

Do come back, Varya. There is so much support here, and we laugh too. Sending ((hugs))

varya come back and talk to us, we are a friendly bunch and we will try to cheer you up.

Varya you can join in here and have some fun and great support, too. Chat to you soon, I hope

I live in Cheshire nuttynana which is just a bit too far away for me to invite you for a coffee but I'm sure you will keep on visiting GN now - I know it has made a huge difference to my life.
Varya my sister's husband suffered from vascular dementia for several years and she had the most awful time struggling to cope as most of her friends drifted away. Please keep on coming here, my fellow GNetters are a lovely bunch!

People can be cliquey either because it is a very well established group that is not in the habit of welcoming in new people (group dynamics - fascinating!)
Or because they are not warm and friendly bunch by nature. I knew a retired couple that moved to Mk from a large village about 30 miles away to be near family. They tried a whole lot of churches and said none of them were welcoming! Funny lot round 'ere.

People can be cliquey either because it is a very well established group that is not in the habit of welcoming in new people (group dynamics - fascinating!)
Or because they are not warm and friendly bunch by nature. I knew a retired couple that moved to Mk from a large village about 30 miles away to be near family. They tried a whole lot of churches and said none of them were welcoming! Funny lot round 'ere.

Some people have very old-fashioned views about people with mental health problems. When my daughter was suffering from amphetamine psychosis, some 'friends' withdrew and seemed to believe she was some homicidal maniac. Her sister's sister-in-law flinched when she went to hug her at a family party. (She was a teacher and should have known better).
One of my grand-daughters suffered from childhood epilepsy, and again we found some mothers would not invite her to birthday parties, although her seizures were well under control.
We might have got rid of 'insane asylums' but the attitude of some people remains firmly in the 19th Century.
I don't use the phone much, as I live in another country, but I would be very happy to exchange chatty pm's with anyone who just wants someone to listen to their stories, views, daily activities, etc. Not the same as personal contact, I know, but at least a start, and who knows what might develop?

Vanya
How hard it must be for you. Lots of people are "fair weather" friends it seems and that must be doubly hard but please come on here and have a chat . I have found everyone so lovely and supportive. Will you be another one of my Gransnet friends?

Dear Nuttynana, I have been through all these messages and by my calculations you now have 30 new friends. How's that for starters!!

I think that true friendships have to start from 'somewhere or something'. Having children at the same time as each other, being at school together; friends like that you may not see for years but, when they turn up on your doorstep it's as if you only saw them yesterday and, during the meantime you've always known that they would be there for you in times of need. I did have a couple of good friends several years ago; one in particular was my complete soul mate, we would talk for hours, but then her husband took early retirement and they are together all the time now. I sometimes think that husbands/partners can be wary of their wife having close girlfriends and can put a wedge between such friendships, but perhaps I'm wrong. My ex husband was happy for me to have male or female friends but my partner now seems happy for our social life to include 'me and thee' and no one else. I've found it easier to recognise soul mates on the internet than in the real world; not sure why that is but, as I mentioned earlier maybe it's because I don't feel as if I'm taking up their time and, if I bore them they can just switch me off! I'm the sort of person who, when I phone someone [which I rarely do these days] I will say 'it's only me, I hope I'm not stopping you from watching something on the telly'. Which reminds me, someone on granset mentioned a new Danish series starting on Saturday...must investigate further....

Varya, we were caring for my FIL before we moved here (part of the reason I'm not handling stress well) we did get some help through a local charity and we managed to get him into a daycare session for 4 hours a week as well as someone from a local organisation called Crossroads who came and 'babysat' him for a couple of hours. Am sure you have asked around for help but sometimes there is more stuff out there if you know were to ask. Its a miserable business and I really feel for you coping on your own. I almost got to thinking it was contagious! I hope coming in here will give you a bit of a lift, all the best. xx

Dear nuttynan ...and you have another friend. Keep chatting to us. You matter

Oh SOOP how typical of you to say the one really important thing - we all need to know that we matter to someone. Vanya we're all queueing up to chat to you and looking forward to hearing from you.

nuttynana Another billy no mates here but quite happy and do not feel lonely. I would also like to be your friend and anyone else who belongs to gransnet.

grannyactivist...to believe not to matter is the saddest and loneliest place to be.

Gosh! I have so many friends I can scarcely keep in touch with you all! You know what is good about this, no one is judging any of us by our age , our looks, our clothes ,our accents or whatever else it is that holds people back from reaching out to be a friend . I guess we all have a certain maturity, varying amounts of wisdom and lots of experience. We realise what matters most in life and I for one am supremely grateful that I found this site.

I am going to carry on doing things that I think I might enjoy and see what comes. I think that has been my philosophy all along , I can appreciate the freedoms that come from doing things alone , there are some, I can stand for ages watching the birds on my own .I think I was just getting a bit down and I haven't chatted this much for ages!

Guess if you want to meet like minded people do the things that interest you makes sense.