need a friend

catching up on the latest post I feel like shouting yes! yes! That's me but No to the fact of having friends to tea. My parents were sociable and I was very close to my mother who died before my first child was born. I carried the loss about with me for years, looking for a friend to fill her gap. Someone to accept me, dominant as I was. Perhaps someone to tell me to shut up! My daughters reacting similarly to Greatnan's daughters.
My dominance never affected my husband as am not dominant with him. It is obviously a female -female thing. Or I like the sound of my own voice. Back to square one. Better shut up and go to my French class. I won't be saying as much there, for lack of vocabulary!

Charlotta - living in France has certainly made me a lot less loquacious!
But it doesn't stop me posting on forums.

Oh Soop... I feel so guilty! My lovely Mum encouraged me to invite friends 'round to tea and I really didn't appreciate they effort she made, baking lovely cakes on limited resources, until I received a letter of condolence from a friend soon after Mum died. My friend wrote of the lovely teas she had each Friday night before we set off to Guides. (My friend lived a distance away so to get home from school and back for Guides would have been very difficult.) To my shame, I had forgotten!
Now you have reminded me of how lucky I was!

I do think it's so much harder to make new friends as you get older. You sort of bump into people when you are younger my friends are either, people I was at school with, people I met through the children, people I me through what used to be called NHR (National Housewives Register) which was my only really successful group joining thing, or people (very few) I worked with. It is a problem that I tend to be content with my own company and really don't enjoy crowds. I tried U3A but there weren't enough crafters (the group they were trying to get going) and it looked as if it would run only if I ran it and I wasn't ready to do that as I still work (from home) a bit. The amount of care my mother needs has grown over the last year so that takes up quite a bit of time too. I am not unhappy with any of this but I do think I should make more effort in my local community so that I know more people locally.

I wonder nuttynana, if you have just turned 60 and/or just retired. I have found that it seems to have taken me and others I know a couple of years to work out what "retirement" was for us as an individual. It's that feeling of knowing where you fit in.

I never had anyone home to tea. Putting food on the table was hard enough for the family and I think another mouth to feed would have tipped the balance, at least thats how I look on it now, but at the time asking for friends to come I was always told another time.

So much ground and so many issues have been covered since I first started this thread. Heartfely thanks to you all. I have also heard other peoples painful experiences and memories and I send lots of hugs to all of you. It is good to be able to unburden these things sometimes and like Greatnan I am looking to become more self aware!

soop that could have been me mum and dad didnt entertain,a family rift on dads side ensured the cousins and aunts I had were alienated,mum was an only child with issues as adult friends were totally unencouraged and as you grew up talking to gnomes I played with Dollypegs and talked to them.Books became my lifelong friend and am happy with my own company,but have also learnt maybe from my working life to be gregarious,especially as I wanted my children to be social beings not crippled with shyness,my initiation to the school play ground at 5 was horrendous as I had never encountered other children and the words fatty four eyes haunted me through school and being bullied,even at work as a shy 15yearold the older women petted the pretty girls who blossomed while I so shy hid in the toilets to eat my lunch because I felt so ugly and unworthy and concious that I didnt fit in.The barbs when you are growing are very painful,I believe I know now who I am and will always look for the shy person on the edge of the group...this is so cathartic and I always thought somehow I was odd and different to 'normal' people

Aww Nelliedeane dear old school days! I had an unusual surname, was a bit dyslexic (tho I only know that now) stammered, wore a brace and was rather short and 'sturdy'.....hey ho!

Hilda I dont think of it as being disadvantaged ,I think of it as character building,and when I have bumped into the pretty young things am pleased to say they have run to seed taking their good looks for granted where as I have to work at my appearance and my personality and dont look to bad,in some ways it has made me perverse because I dont like being got the better of....A saying I have heard that sums me up Beauty is only skin deep,and I am just wearing my face inside out......

nelliedeane and SOOP, your stories could be mine as well. I was never encouraged to bring friends home to tea, and if they were allowed to come, they soon seemed to become bored. My parents didn't allow this and that, and I was very much a sheltered only child. I then became a thin, tall and gawky teenager with no real friends and was never allowed boyfriends - even if any boy had shown any interest. I wasn't allowed modern clothes, and although my parents weren't at all well-off, they always bought me sensible clothes that lasted, rather than chain-store cheaper and modern things. I felt ugly and awkward. I know that if I had had more praise and encouragement as a young person, I wouldn't have been so grateful to the first boy who showed me attention - hence losing my virginity far too early and not long after that becoming pregnant. Hey ho!

nelliedeane and many other caring GN's

As a child I was shy, but confident in my own abilities. We were never allowed to have friends home whilst my step-father lived with us and by the time he left I didn't have any. I remained awkward and shy until I was in my mid twenties and became a Christian; it really did change my life and since then I've met and married the Wonderful Man who has supported and encouraged me to be me. He is quite happy for me to have friends of any age, background, gender, sexual orientation, race or ethnicity - in fact he encourages my sociability. When I was in my twenties I could never have imagined that I would be in the centre of so many wonderful friendships. Gransnet has also added another dimension to my circle of friends and one I am truly grateful for.

grannyactivist, that's really lovely. You are truly blessed.

When I was at school I could never bring friends home from school for tea or to play as I was the eldest of 4 until I was 12 when my 3rd sister was born,my brother (my twin) was allowed to bring his friends home then go and play football etc but I was expected to help at home with my younger 2 sisters,things where not made better by the fact that until I was 7 I had to wear round pink plastic NHS glasses with a patch over one eye,so my appearance was not appreciated in a "certain" group of girls,I found it hard to make friends until I went to senior school and got into a good group of girls who had come different schools.

Nuttynana i agree with everything you said, the words could be coming out of my mouth.

thank you all my lovely new friends,like Green went off and got married at 19,literally pregnant the week after,I miscarried that little one,marriage surprisingly didnt last more than 2 years,married for the 2nd time at 24,and struggled for 26 years with a man although lovely wasnt right for me,funnily enough I am in contact and friends with both so not wasted experiences,but the man I am with now is right for me even though he is a lot younger.
Glanmama oh those horrible specs I had some horrors,we used to get mine out of the charity box and put my own lenses in,especially when they snapped in the middle dad used to drill them and put fuse wire through the bridge and bind them with blue electrical tape

I am well aware of how being a Christian and belonging to a Church is a sure way to find friends. I grew up like that until I preferred other pastimes to singing in the Church choir an going three times on Sundays. I envy you Grannyactivist . I envy you being able to spend time with these kind people.
I am no longer a believer and would find their company narrow and irritating.
So you see. When you have fewer friends it is often because you are choosy. It is the same with husbands. The more choosy you are the more chance you will remain single or that you do really meet a man suited to you.
There is always the hope that one day you find another real friend suited to you but it does get harder when you are older.
My closest friend was my cousin who was a year younger than me and our mothers quarrelled and when I was 18 she cut me in the street because her mother- my aunt expected her to. That almost broke my heart, I loved her like a sister, but I realise now that she was poor friend not to continue seeing me. our mothers need not have known.
I wonder if she is now on GN.......

I am realising that I am so lucky in my circles of friendship, especially since we moved so often in DH's army career. And, like ga's WM, mine has always encouraged / urged me to move on and out and welcomed every one.

I have, too, my family; having been an only child of an only child, I have watched in amazement as my three have become such a close unit, with my lovely D-i-Ls and S-i -L, and the DGC. My world has expanded beyond belief, and I am eternally grateful for it.

Well, I'm tired out. Very difficult tribunal today and I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I think I'm getting too old to do this three to four days a week!
I'm to bed!
A peaceful and tranquil night to all of you. Hope to all of you in distress, and love to all!
Goodnight.

nite jeni sleep tight

My sadness about my own daughter has set me thinking about my own mother. Our relationship was very simple - we adored each other. She was popular everywhere and I think it was because she was so genuinely interested in other people. She would have a short bus ride, and be able to tell me all about the operation/marital problems/work of the woman she had sat next to. She went into hospital to have a benign cyst removed from near her eye when she was 82 . Her GP showed my brother a letter from the surgeon - it said 'Thank you for sending us this delightful old lady - what a pity more older people don't take an interest in their appearance. She kept the whole ward happy'.
I didn't grieve when she died at 91, because dementia had taken her from us already, but even now, nearly 20 years later, I still think of her whenever I look at my wonderful views here, and think how much she would have enjoyed them.

Greatnan ((((hugs)))) my Mum to a 'T'. (Altho' she preferred a day around the shops to admiring views, years of making for herself and three daughters I expect!)

gracesgran - are you me?

This is just how I have felt as I near the end of my second year of retirement. (Quoting from what you said)

"I wonder nuttynana, if you have just turned 60 and/or just retired. I have found that it seems to have taken me and others I know a couple of years to work out what "retirement" was for us as an individual. It's that feeling of knowing where you fit in."

Initially I felt very lonely, but now realise I have moved on and their preoccupations and priorities are no longer mine and I feel much more contented with my retired friends/acquaintances and my own company

Greatnan a lovely story about a lovely lady