not so much a discussion topic. just an off-loading of some thoughts.
my dad had his eightieth birthday yesterday. he is a full-time carer for my 77 year old mum who has both physical and mental problems. his daily life must be a living hell. his own health is failing now but the last 22 years since he retired could have been a time of happiness and relaxation for him and it hasn't been.
there are things he could do to help himself. my mum receives a carers' allowance - she could spend some of the money on buying in some care. but i think they might be spending it on household expenses - they live in the ranch-style bungalow they have been in since 1959. my mother's mental state would suffer if her routine or surroundings were disturbed.
i spend an hour or two with my mum on saturday mornings. dad used to go out but the weather has been bad and i think he's lost heart. he's gardening though, planting potatoes and blueberries, which i try to encourage by eating a lot of his crop...
i see them on wednesday evenings for an hour. i drink tea, eat cake and watch eggheads with them. my dad gives me a two-minute lift home which gives him chance to offload if my mum has been particularly awful.
i am going to start phoning during the week, as he needs more support. but there is nothing more i can do.
officially, we are estranged, my parents and i, due to them leaving their all to my brother in their wills. they have known for many years that i will not be taking responsibility for them. and my life is already a challenge, with the work i do and the commute, and my own health issues. but i feel sorry for them and wish things could be better.
i haven't said much about my mum. she was the most beautiful, lively, young woman - bit of a chav, but there you go - but damaged by her childhood. she was my (unstable and sometimes destructive) best friend in my youth and very dear to me until they drugged her into what was in effect a waking coma for eleven years. i did my grieving then, as i'd 'lost' my mum. my dad went against the psychiatrists and reduced her medication, thus keeping her out of a home for another ten years. her life is limited and her mind is unhealthy but she is calm and well-cared-for.
but i think dad is coming to the end of the line now. i don't think he can do it any more. he set himself a target of keeping mum at home until they'd been married sixty years (september 2014) but i could see yesterday that he doesn't think there will be another family birthday party (we spend 30 minutes to an hour together - we don't like a fuss!).
i know it is an incredible privilege to be a grandmother and still have a full set of parents of my own. i know i am blessed. but i wish i could wave a magic wand and make it all alright. make my mum fit to walk and pleasant to talk with and with her own interests. make my dad free to go about and enjoy himself - maybe get him a shed where he could meet with other old blokes and get up to naughty things like making wooden go-carts and 'saving' frog-spawn - the sort of things they like to do. having a brew and a gossip.
do your remember the puppet orville? 'i wish i could fly... but i can't'.
.