my dad

Oh, how hard for you, granbunny. I can see your situation; it would be easy just to take over, wouldn't it? But not right for any of you. And really, you can't do more than you are doing, even though you'd like to make it all better. I can see you've accepted that, but it's very troubling to love with at this stage of our lives.

Keep strong - which you are - and keep downloading - it helps to share the load. Xxx

granbunny I think thats a wish alot of people on here would make.

Be strong its good to off load, and there is always someone here that will listen.

thank you, both. xx

Granbunny My mum used to say,"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!".
It would be so good if we could only make everything ok for our families, instead of watching, helpless.

I feel for you xx

That's part of what GN is for! We do listen (virtually) and its good to know there is somewhere where you can 'blow off steam' rather than having a good scream and upsetting the neighbours!

bunny - I am slightly apprehensive about what I am about to say, but here goes anyway. I feel sure that, regardless of the estrangement you have with your parents, your dad sees and values the love you clearly have for him.

You seem to be doing more than could reasonably be expected of you -what is your favoured brother doing to help?
I know what you mean about grieving for the mother you have lost - when my own very much loved mother died, it was a relief for all of us, as that shell was not the woman we had adored.
If your parents have money saved to leave to your brother, could your father not be persuaded to get some respite care, at least?

thank you all for your kind comments.

greatnan, you are right, they could be spending a little on care. but i think he's afraid of running out of money, as he can't earn any more and that has been a big change in his life, after being 'the boss' for thirty years.

also, he knows that even though he loses his temper more often now, and feels more desperate, no-one else would look after my mum with the love he has for her. he took a picture of my mum as a teenager to the doctors once - she was playing bowls in her shorts and starched blouse, round about 1952 - to show them that when he speaks of her care, this is the woman he is thinking about.

in the last week or two my brother, now fifty, has started to show some signs of improvement - he's searched information for my dad to take to the doctor and he's arranging an appointment for dad to get advice from AgeUK.

its not a situation we can overcome. my parents can't be the young couple they used to be (think burton and taylor and you're almost there) and i can't be more than i am.

thank you all for 'listening'.

Are they getting AA 65+ I presume so. A lot of people are not on the right level. Age concern could advise you.

Your message really touched me as I've been through a very similar situation with my parents. I was in the UK and them 1000 miles away in central Europe. It's hard, and can be incredibly frustrating too. I used to travel all the way there to try and support them - but used to come back home exhausted and feeling I'd totally failed. Mum did have to go into a OAP home when dad found himself in hospital, dehydrated and exhausted. Managed to keep him home for another 2 years with lots of support, paid and neighbours but in the end he had to join mum. We finally decided to move near them when OH retired- but mum died 3 weeks before we moved, and dad 2 months later. No regrets- despite all the frustrations, etc, I'm glad I never gave up (yes and my brother did suck all the money out of them too).

Wish you courage and strength - and a great sense of humour as it really helps.

granjura

You're in a desperately sad situation granbunny and I feel for you. From having been in a similar situation a few years back I know that this will be affecting you deeply and most likely will be causing you to be depressed!! It's difficult to make sensible suggestions for improvement but I will say a prayer for you and wish you good things!!

thank you. all prayers and positive vibes are very welcome!

Granbunny I'm so pleased you decided to hang on in there with Gransnet, the level of support and sympathy you get far outweigh the negative comments.

Hang in there granbunny. A lot of us have been in a similar situation and I hope you can feel our virtual support. It's a really difficult and sad time for you. The good news is that you can come on GN where you will get a 'reading' ear.

How awful for you granbunny. I am in a similar situation but I do what I can for my mum for my own peace of mind so that, later, I will have no regrets. Do contact Age UK, as jeni suggested, if you haven't already. I keep banging on about them but they are brilliant. Keep tallking to gransnet

Granbunny you say that officially you are 'estranged', but in fact you seem to be doing as much as is possible under very trying circumstances. Is there anyone from your local church who could share the load a little and free up your dad so that he can have some time for himself?

Granbunny I can well understand that you wish you were able to make it all right for your parents but in the absence of that I think that your visits and calls are probably the most important thing you could do for them anyway.

You give your father the opportunity to talk and you are there to see when it is all getting a bit much. Whether or not you are able to solve all of the problems, you are there and they must know that you care. That is worth so much.

grannyactivist - thank you for the church idea. i did get them involved a few years ago, and they kindly provided a regular visitor. sadly, this well-meaning lady, after a while, chose to bring with her a scantily-clad teenage grandaughter (my family are 'modest', we cover. my mum never did but they haven't seen a half-dressed person in the house for about forty years) and so shocked my parents that she was never allowed to return!
brother and dad are going to AgeUK on wednesday, i think, kittylester.
thank you for your kind responses, everyone.

granbunny you are going through a terribly sad period, and I sense that you are utterly exhausted and feeling helpless as a result. You are a good person trying to do an impossible job. I hope that Wednesday's visit to AgeUK will be a step in the right direction for you and your family.

thank you, soop. i am exhausted but that is because of my work and my commute, not about my family. my daughter makes sure i see plenty of her, sil and the little one, so i am refreshed and invigorated. and my parents are very cosy and welcoming . i'm conscious of the great blessing i have in still having them around.

granbunny ..keep talking to us. There is a lot of support on GN. Warm wishes and well done.

granbunny do they have a local WRVS near to them? They too can offer a lot of support.