End of a Long Term Friendship.

Matson, suicide makes people uncomfortable, even more than natural deaths or accidents. What a dreadful experience for you.

ariadne thank you, but you have made me cry.

Not sure that his is actually a poem, but:

People come into your life for a reason,
a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is,
you will know what to do for that person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at
an inconvenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and
now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a
solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person
and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life.

when my husband took his life, i found people i thought would always be there for me ,ie my sister couldnt cope with my sadness

i have been fortunate in having the friendship of three wonderful gals for forty years and one i have known for sixty years. they have come and gone over the years, but have always been there for me. we have , and continue to do so , have experienced every emotion that life throws at you. i cant imagine my life without them in it x

greatnan yes obviously!!!!

Glass - you know the old saying....A friend in need is a pain in the neck!

I thought I had a very good friend, we had been friends for a long time, until the day I needed her and she for whatever reason gently but firmly closed the door on our friendship......

alie and nightowl makes sense to me as well both my mum,and E are/were
Only children both have/had difficulties with sharing friendships and cut and thrust of relationships

It's true Greatnan. I found having a little cancer in my breast had a similar effect on some people!

Gally, some people seem to find it embarrassing to be around bereaved friends. They just don't know what to say.
Has anyone else experienced what I did after my divorce? Several women seemed to regard me as a threat, and they could have been right, as some of their husbands propositioned me - without the slightest encouragement from me. One friend told me that her husband did not want her to carry on seeing me in case I 'gave her ideas'! He seemed to think divorce was contagious!

I think friendships can be cyclical, depending on what stage in life you, your family and each of your situations are. They come into and drift off and then back again and I have probably done the same. However, I have found, since John died, that one particularly good friend in whom I put a lot of faith and hope, backed off after the funeral having helped me and the family a lot until then. I have found this very upsetting not to say bewildering, but can only put it down to her being widowed in her late 30's (she is now happily re-married) and not wanting to repeat through me what she went through then. Others who were not close have been amazing and I have discovered some really wonderful 'new' friends.

I have written about friendships and how they last or not.

My view is that people come into our lives for a purpose. The come and fulfil that purpose before going out of our lives. It is sad but it means you have moved on from the place you were at.

I have had friends that this has happened with but I have two friends who have been very close, like sisters, for nearly 40 years. We have gone through situations together, welcomed our children into the world and shared their weddings. We live apart from each other; I live in France, one lives in UK the other Australia but we stay close by e-mail, phone, Skype, text. We are closer than my brother and I!

If the friendship is to end it will no matter what you do or say. Keep the door open but move on.

Greatnan Thank you for that; you have brought a tear to my eye!

I would love to join in the meetings of gransnetters and hope to meet you before you disappear to New Zealand

bikergran it's odd isn't it when people say one thing and then do another?

Not a long term friendship for me maybe about 3 yrs, and not a close one but nether the less a friendship is a friendship however long ....a few months ago I seem to be going through a "grey stage" (think someone else descibed it as "the Black Dog" ) I recieved email from this friend, but at the time only gave a very short and I suppose dissinterested email back, I did recieve another detailed email saying that I should have explained and she would have been there for me...(but at the time you don't feel like burdening anyone, you just want to go and curl up etc) anyway since then I have sent her a long email and 2 shorter ones,, and I have heard nothing in return, so I will now give up and asume she doesn't want any further contact...I do when logging on and see I have an email/s always hope that maybe she will reply, but I think the time has elapsed now, also i do (although havnt done lately) bump into this person..so we will see, but I think in your heart if you ahve tried and had no responce then!! time to move on..

Nightowl - I would love to be your best friend .
When I was married, we had many couples with whom we socialised but after the divorce some felt they had to take sides and I felt that my ex husband needed them more than I did. I moved to another country within the year and just did not bother to try to keep in touch. I think there was a trace of envy from some of the wives because of my new, luxurious lifestyle.
I also lost a lot of weight, got contact lenses and went blonde, after being frumpy throughout my married life.
Apart from my daughter in New Zealand, I suppose my sister is my best friend, but we have also had some difficult periods. She has tried to apologise, in a roundabout way, for the many times she spoilt our holidays, all of which I paid for, by her constant complaining. I used to get quite stessed, wondering if the accommodation, food, journey, would meet with her approval. She is quite different now, and I found it easy to overlook her moaning because I realise she was deeply depressed throughout most of her marriage. Now, it is lovely to have someone who remembers our childhood and we spend hours reminiscing.

I met a good friend through an expat forum, who has introduced me to some wonderful places and is my source of information for all things rural. She has a fund of knowledge and makes a walk so interesting. She is also very empathetic and knows all my problems.

I met another friend through a different forum and I am really very fond of her, but she is very pessimistic and I am always trying to cheer her up. It can be a bit disheartening when every solution you suggest to a problem is met by some reason why it can't work.

I am still in the process of making new friends in Europe and I hope we can keep in touch when I am 12,000 miles away - there will always be Gransnet!

Makes sense to me too. My sister and I have an elephant in our history when we didn't speak for two years. Now we see each other but we have never sorted out what happened the day she blew her top at me and I walked out.

I was an only child for eight years and then away at college from when she was nine then I married so in a way she was brought up partly as an only child too, because we were separated......

Oh dorsetpennt I feel for you. Your friend is obviously still wanting to see you so I would say, as others have suggested, keep up the lines of communication and things may turn around again.

I sometimes wonder whether I should have handled my special friendship differently. I think I was very needy at that particular time and with hindsight maybe I became too intense about the whole thing.

I think I sometimes have difficulty with 'the rules' of friendship. I read a very good book several years ago about being an only child which suggested that only children are observers of relationships from a young age, and they do not have the same opportunity to learn about arguing, falling out and making up that siblings have. That made a lot of sense to me and I know I sometimes feel baffled about what others expect of me.

All great advice. I did write her a letter as I felt it was less confrontational, and I'd be able to say what I wanted to say without getting tearful and without interruptions. I told her how much I valued her frindship over the years highlighting all the good times. I said that I felt we were drifting apart and did she feel the same. She totally ignored it. I know she received it as I posted it through her door. She didn't say a thing about it. Maybe she can't find the words I don't know. She rang me after she would have received it to talk about a trip we had planned for Salisbury and not a word was said. So now it's the proverbial pacyderm in room.

I read some where about "life stage" friends ,those that are there for a stage in your life,you both then move on as the friendship naturally comes to an end you move forward and find more..agree with you mishap too much thinking and analysing is not good..but something women are good atxxx

What lovely clear thinking Mishap - that makes such a lot of sense.

I have friends with whom I have been very close at times in my life, but see less of now - people do drift apart - but whenever we meet or chat on the phone we just pick up where we left off and have a good chat and a catch-up. The important thing is not to analayse and agonise over it all but just accept the ebb and flow - enjoy the variety of new friendships and do a bit of catching up with the old ones now and again. Too much emotion can be burdensome.

Sewsilver what you have written has really struck a chord with me. This thread has reminded me about the friend I 'gave up' and I realise I have never truly got over it, even though it was about 5 years ago. Like you, I felt that she didn't even notice I had gone, and that our friendship had obviously not meant as much to her as it did to me. I have a number of friends but still not a 'best friend' who knows me so well, including many secrets.

As Littlenellie suggests, I wrote to her just before the end telling her how I felt. I put a lot of effort into this letter and was very careful not to appear to blame her, but all I got back was a very angry, defensive response. I think it was this that made me see that we had completely different perspectives on our friendship and although we saw each other a few times afterwards it gave me the push I needed to let it go. So I agree with Littlenellie a letter can be a good idea - even though it ended badly in my case it helped me to decide what to do. Good Luck x

I had a similar problem with a very close friend we met as young mums our children grew up together we holidayed as families we then as couples
As our children grew up,we laughed and cried together and shared a lot,then my marriage broke down..hers had not been a walk in the park either,but I was brave enough to jump ship..met a new man...they had difficulty accepting this and friendship floundered ,Kate died and then my mum,..we lost touch for two years,we moved and I wrote and told her and also how hurt I was by her attitude. She wrote back and although we don't meet regularly our friendship is now just as close but deeper if possible..just thought perhaps putting your feelings into a letter might help dorset she sounds depressed by the withdrawal from people.....would she have to be a gran to be on here,if you felt comfortable with thatxxxxxgood luck

I would be reluctant to let her go completely. Friends are precious and have a different significance at different stages of your life. I have a friend who saw me through a very difficult time a long time ago, then we drifted apart, came together, then she became very needy and depressed, helped her, drifted apart. When I retired, I was busy and active and her company seemed to drag me down.We had a break for a couple of years.Just recently I met her by accident and we had a coffee....got on like a house on fire and I felt so pleased that I had never completely let her go.