Just jokes

A man, being unhappy with his wife's mood swings, bought her a mood ring so he would be able to monitor her moods.

He discovered that when she was in a good mood, it turned blue, and when she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond!

One for all our ex-teachers. I confess to having done something similar when trying to get resources for my remedial classes.

A primary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforcement”
Her Head saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?’
“Lollipops,” the teacher replied.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drink driving. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the kerb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

A family is driving behind a waste collection truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

There was an Irishman and a french man waiting in line to get their heads cut off with a guillotine The french man went first, it came down but stops just before it cuts his head off so they try again but the same happens so the king says its fate let him go then it was the turn of the Irishman it goes down but stops just before it cuts his head off so they try it again but the same happens so the king says let him go its fate so the Irishman looks up and says no no look the catch has caught!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again!"
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours!" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well just one problem" said the golfer... "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".

A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

This seemed relevant in view of the thread on Old Biddies!

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!

Rude alert!

A woman went to a fancy dress party naked except for a pair of black gloves and a pair of black socks.

When she got there her friend asked what she had come as.

The woman replied, “The five of spades.”

It's Christmas Eve and mum is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mum, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mum thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mum, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mum replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

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“The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties they think it is their fault.”
Henry Kissinger – 1973

“A good gulp of hot whisky at bedtime – it’s not very scientific but it helps.”
Alexander Fleming – Medicine, 1945

“When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a strong drink before lunch. Now my rule is never to do so before breakfast.”
Winston Churchill – Literature, 1953

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s just too much fraternising with the enemy.”
Henry Kissinger – 1973

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighbourhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

Well, there might be somebody who hasn't heard this!

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

Ongoing thanks, Greatnan...such a trooper.

I will try to leave you another couple, soop, as I won't be on line at my sister's house from next Saturday.

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
He thinks he has got the doctor, as the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

A modern Islamic couple met with their Mullah to discuss their forthcoming wedding. The bridegroom to be said " I know it's traditional in Islam for the men to dance with men, and the women to dance with women, but we would like to be able to dance together at our wedding." The Mullah told them that this would not be possible as it is considered immoral.

The groom says "So even after the ceremony I cannot dance with my own wife! Well, will we finally allowed to make love?"

"of course!" says the Mullah "sex within marriage is allowed" The groom says "ok, what about different positions, say the woman on top?" "Yes" says the Mullah "that is allowed". "What about doggy style?" Again the Mullah says that is allowed. The groom says "ok, can we have sex on the kitchen table?" The Mullah nods. The groom then asks "right, what about with all my 4 wives together, on rubber sheets with warm oil, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"Yes indeed" says the Mullah " if that is what you would like" "Can we do it standing up?" asks the groom. The Mullah shakes his head.

"Why ever not?" asks the man.

The Mullah replies "because that could lead to dancing"

A very elderly man goes to a house of ill repute and tells the Madam that he would like a girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 92 years old" he says. "92!" replies the Madam "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh I'm sorry" says the old man "how much do I owe you?"

Well, Greatnan , I did try but without you it just seems to drift off the "active" page!

Come back !