Just jokes

Is it the law that it has to stay on the Active page?
I must admit I very rarely look at this thread, not being much of a one for 'jokes' as such, although I do like one-liners.

Yes Ana, it very much IS the law! As you asked so nicely I will try my best to come up with some one-liners, just for you.

I'm just going outside, I may be sometime. [noble, sort of brave and yet self sacrificing (?) type emoticon, possibly accompanied by a loud "hmph" sort of noise)

PS With just the merest hint of martrydom.

Sorry, digressed, jokes only in future, we don't want to open this thread to willy nilly ramblings.

As you were, troops.

Well, you bring these things on yourself, phoenix.....
I can see this is going to be a mission for you - let me know if I can help out!

It made me laugh, thanks phoenix

When Greatnan sees this, I am one dead Phoenix!

Don't be silly, phoenix - I'll be the first for the chop!

Here's my contribution. Greatnan I think you'd better get back on here quick!

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Now, you silly young women, I hope you know that my sense of humour is fairly well developed (unlike some!) and this thread is for everybody to contribute and enjoy!
I see some really funny jokes on the various sites that I search but I don't always post them because I am aware that we have some members who are not quite as broadminded as I am! I try not to give offence.
I think that between us all we have now posted over 1200 jokes - keep them coming Phoenix, you must not let me down while I am away!
I will find another few tomorrow - my last day with Juragran and with an internet connection.
I have been busy arranging my snorkeling holiday at the beautiful Matamanoa resort on an island in Fiji. If you google it, you will see why I want to got!
Good night, my lovely ladies! xxx

G'night Greatnan , g'night when , g'night Ana , g'night John boy...............

A classical musician's anti-conductor joke:

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns at the front and the @rsehole at the back...

and another

Q: If you throw a piccolo and a banjo off a cliff, which reaches the bottom first?

A: Who cares?

And that great love song sung by Sam 'n Janet ...... Sam 'n Janet Evening.

Ouch! Night night, all.

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
__________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Good luck,
Tech support

Specially for ana, so she doesn't feel left out! Don't say I don't try to please everyone, whatever their sense of humour!

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

I used to collect stamps, but I realised philately would get me nowhere.

A policeman came to the door, with a pencil and a very large sheet of thin paper. He was trying to trace someone.

Thanks, Greatnan!

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Re. the computer gender thing, I was told that they are definitely male as you only really appreciate them when they go down on you.

Phoenix - (Not really!)
You are now officially appointed as bumper-up of the thread as a punishment!

Aren't they masculine in French? Le ordinateur? Or is my memory wrong?

L'ordinateur is a masculine word, but so is the word for the vagina! The gender of a word in French is not connected to its meaning

You're right, jeni.

To Be 10 Again! (Have we had this before?)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
II'd like to be ten again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a Coke, and her favourite sweets,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being ten again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


'I meant my dress size, you f**** Idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong

Not up to Greatnans standard but here goes:

A man went for a job on a building site, the foreman said "are you any good at making tea?"
"Not bad" he replied
"Can you drive a fork lift?"
"Why how big is the bloody kettle?"

I owe my life to Justin Bieber. I was in a coma for two years until one of the nurses played his songs on the radio in my room and I had to wake up and turn it off

I got invited to the Serious Hemorrhoid Society's annual dinner. It was nothing special, just a stand up buffet.

A man dressed as an egg tried to gain entry to the World Series Final. He was quickly whisked away by security and beaten

Someone has been making perfume laced with methamphetamine. Speed is of the essence

A man took his girlfriend to visit the local caterpillar sanctuary but they were disappointed, it was full of butterflies.

My family were really poor. On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

I saw a bloke walking down the road with a sign saying "& Emergency" tucked under his arm "Where did you get that from" I asked He said "i found it by Accident"

Just heard on the BBC news that Jonathan Ross had been arrested for shop lifting in Selfridges kitchen department!

He said "It was a whisk I had to take"