Just jokes

They say a dog is a man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a crap on my carpet

I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my brother

Terrorist: Anyone who stands between America and oil

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror I thought to myself.........I am going to get kicked out of IKEA again

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW and I couildn't help but admire it "Nice car" I said as he got out. "Well" he said "Work hard, put the hours in and I'll have an even better one next year"

You know you have no life when your internet goes out more than you do

It turns out those flashing "IQ TEST!" advertisements you get on the internet are actually quite accurate. If you click one, you are a moron

Are you forgetful? Are you not remembering where you put things? I made an app for that.....It's around here somewhere I just have to find it.

Whats the hardest part about skydiving - the ground

A man found out his pregnant girlfriend was having an affair with a famous time lord.
Whos the daddy

a teacher said to the class "George Washington cut down his father's tree with an axe but his father didn't punish him - does anyone know why" Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Because George Washington was still holding the axe"

You know you are working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase

If spiders ever come to the realisation that people are terrified of them.......we are seriously screwed

My new watch is water proof, fire proof, shock proof, crush proof and washable - I lost it

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

If the British equestrian team have taught us anything its that the only things you need to win an Olympic medal is hard work, dedication and tenacity. Oh yes and for daddy to buy you a horse

I hate it when new parents ask me who I think their new baby looks like.
Its two days old. It looks like a potato

They have installed a machine in pubs which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM

Women weightlifters can lift 100kg - but can't pick up a razor

My Dad should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken 27 years to go and get a pint of milk.

I'm going to have to stop asking my husband "How stupid can you be?" i think he is taking it as a challenge

Barrow you're on a roll today!

barrow great stuff!

Just heard on an old Mock The Week:

'My grandad wasn't well. We covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill really quickly!'

When I didn't see the programme (tv problems, but that's another story!) but that sounds very Milton Jones!

Have checked the guidelines....so please can all people manage their areas responsibly.......

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and
... ... orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Merry Christmas,

The Risk Management Team

Love that, York46!

Brilliant!

Phoenix spot on - it was Milton Jones

York Priceless!!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…...
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints during the season

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.
I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid!

Yes, and some of them breed!

Wonderful, anno! I love all those genuine complaints/excuses/reasons for accidents etc.

anno I'm laughing out loud! Thank you.

Oh I am afraid! - be sure of that!!

The door-to-door vaseline salesman was surprised when the young housewife and mother bought six jars. "What could you use six jars for?" he mused. "Oh, we use it as a sex aid" she cheerily told him.

"If it isn't a too personal a question" he asked "how do you use it then?" "We spread it on the bedroom door knob so the kids can't get in!" she answered.

Good one, Elegran!!

Thanks for the great jokes - I will be back to posting some myself next week!

Looking forward to it Greatnan.

Elegran You're a tinker boots...

Silly, but it made me laugh!

Rabbit goes into a chemist shop and asks the chemist if he's got any carrots.
Chemist replied that he didn't sell carrots but to try the greengrocers down the road.
Next day the rabbit goes into the chemist and asked "Got any carrots?"
Chemist: "LOOK I told you yesterday we don't sell carrots and if you come in here again I'll nail your ears to the counter".
Next day the rabbit goes into the chemist and asked "Got any nails?"
Chemist: "No"
Rabbit: "Well, got any carrots?"

Lovely! Thanks, york

Just a shorty to let you know I am back!

He came home from work to find his wife in a diaphanous nightie. Tie me up, she said, and you can do anything you like. So he tied her up and went golfing.

Missed you, Greatnan! Welcome back