Just jokes

Please bear with me, as I have to write a letter, and I am Half Irish so I do not intend to upset anyone. Here goes.

Letter from Irish mother to her son.

Dear son,
Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you cant read fast. You wont know the house when you come back, as we have moved. About your father, he has a lovely job, hes cutting the grass in the cemetary. Your brother Sean is doing well in the army. Hes only been a soldier for 2 weeks and already they have made him a court martial.
There was a lovely washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but its not working too good, last week I put 4 shirts in pulled the chain and I havent seen them since. Your sister has had a baby but I dont know if its a girl or a boy, so i cant tell you if your an aunty or an uncle. Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey, some of his work mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated him and it took 4 days to put out the fire.
It only rained twice last week, once for 4 days and then for 3 days. Monday was so windy, that one of our chickens laid the same egg 5 times. We had a letter from the undertaker about your grangmas funeral, he said that if the last instalment was not paid in the next 7 days, up she comes. Your cousin Patrick made his own cider, he went out and crushed 56 woodpeckers.
From your loving mother.xxx

ps. I was going to put £5 in but already sealed the envelope.

dottilind

Subject: Always Wear Clean Underwear in Public

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a

Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by, watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Ohhh! Loved that, Granny23

Granny 23 just logged on to GN and yourvpostvmadevme roar with laughter. Thanks!

Granny23 OMG!!!

Mr soop is guffawing.

I can`t stop giggling!

With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a
65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was
discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

' Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Some years ago, in a small coastal community, Paddy married a
woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took
delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It
soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according
to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a
while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian
since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon
not to gossip..

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall
during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow that was
having difficulty breeding with a big towel. Apparently, this cooled her
down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong,
young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and
possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a
go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin'
towel"

I love that one!!!

You're on good form Greatnan - those jokes are very giggle-making!

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

"An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.Then the priest comes in."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out, you bloody moron. You're on my side”.

HA!!!

Here is an oldie for your grandchildren.

A man gets fed up with his job and decides to go and live in a very lonely shack in the mountains. He stocks up with food and drink and wood for the winter. Just before he locks the door, he hears a little knock and when he opens the door there is a snail on the step. 'Please', says the snail, I need to come in for the winter'. The man snarls 'I want to be alone' and kicks the poor snail about ten feet away.
The Winter passes, and in the Spring the man opens the door and the same snail is back on the step.
'Why did you do that?' it asks.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for

Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[groan]

A man sends his photo to a Lonely Hearts site. The reply comes back: We are not THAT lonely!

Greatnan I found that

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

An oldie, I know, but I still like it! GN.

Very funny, Greatnan