Just jokes

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

Cannot take the credit for this one - emailed to me today!

Why I am Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word so when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
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On the couch......
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Naked.

Love it sbagran ! I shall chuckle all the way to Asda.

Observations of Sages

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

"Yes! Of course! My dad taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?”

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack"

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh** out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient"..

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"

he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"

he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

Re: Have we had this one
First the currency , next the language!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the

hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death

experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you

have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon

recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,

liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she

figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she

was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way

home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of

the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

A bit American in places! But I like No. 2. GN.

Things that make me cringe!:

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manu

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Bog off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?

4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid £15 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there! What did you come here for?

7. BIG hair

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a policeman pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you bloody pulled me over!

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a dark cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress over and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a good lookin' gal. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don`t we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But, where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

Greatnan This reminds me not of a joke but a true story. On our one and only cruise (to celebrate our Ruby Wedding) DH, (wishing to push the boat out) in his best posh Scottish accent ordered two glasses of Asti with dinner to celebrate the occasion. The Italian speaking, Philipino waiter was puzzled and he and DH repeated the word back and forwards until light dawned on the waiter's face and off he went to return, beaming, with two glasses of Iced Tea. Cue us, the adjoining tables and the suddenly appearing Head Waiter in fits of giggles. Poor waiter never lived it down and his boss, diplomatically explaining to us that no self respecting Italian Cruise line would serve Asti, presented us with a bottle of Prosecco on the house. On the final night of the cruise, we were presented with two glasses of Iced Tea and a bottle of Asti Supmante with a huge wink.

I have always found it easier to order a meal in French even when the waiter is keen to use his English - in The Beach Plaza in Monte Carlo there was a strange item on the so-called English menu - 'Chicken with fongs'. I worked out that they meant mushrooms, from 'fungi'.

Greatnan I have never worked out what "chicken spit with bowels" was intended to be and was never brave enough to order it.

We will be O.K. in Nelson , absent - well, at least now I know what a 'flat white' is! I was thrown when the chimney sweep came and told me the ash was 'drossy' but I suppose I could have linked it to 'dross'. Still, they almost speak our language!

Subject: FW: The Vatican - New Management


Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the newly appointed Pope Francis
at the Vatican.

After receiving the newest Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers

'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate €100
million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed.'

'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason we will increase
our offer to €300 million.'

'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it
must not be changed.'

The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence
to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will donate
€500 million - that's half a billion euros - to the great Catholic Church if
you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day
our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider
it.'
And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. 'There is some good
news,' he announces, 'and some bad news. The good news is that the
Church will come into €500 million.'

'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.


'We're losing the Hovis sponsorship account.'

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better detergent." Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? " The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look