Just jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.

Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing.

Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Not really a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cqxTUxzOceE&feature=youtube_gdata_plaJ

Ha ha! Loved it!

Enjoyed that Granny23, especially the skateboarding. Impressive.

I enjoyed that too, g23! Thank you

Marvellous! How do I copy to sil?

Highlight the link, Galen Then, if you use a mouse, right click on it over the link and select copy. Then start an email, put the cursor over the message bit, and right click and paste.

If you don't use a mouse I dunno. Do whatever your device tells you to copy and paste.

Am now stuck with 'Inside, Outside, USA' running through my head constantly. Hope no one else gets similarly afflicted.

On iPad, in Safari, highlight the link in the bar at the top, and you'll get a choice to select all, then copy. In the body of your email, press your finger on the space where you want to put the link, then touch paste, and it will appear.

That's amazing Granny23, dogs are great fun! I've copied it too!

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the
marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer
was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if
you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on
using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will

work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he
told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one
year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I
used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well
here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't
have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use
the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers ....

I kick the bucket out from under him”.

Effective!

one night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter,

"If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Not sure if this has been posted before. It's just shown up on Facebook and made me laugh.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Which one is your favorite?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

I still find them hilarious, Carol, so it doesn't matter if we have had them before!
In fact, I am thinking of recycling my first 1,000 jokes because I am sure most of us will have forgotten them!

Little Johnny went to his kindergarten teacher and said,"Miss I have found a dead frog outside.
Teacher said,"how do you know it is dead?"
He said,"I pissed in it's ear Miss"
"You did what?"said teacher.
"You know,I went to it's ear and said !PSST! and it didn't move,so it must be dead."

Mother is giving her 3 year old son a bath when he points to his 'dangly bits' and asks 'are these my brains?' Mother replies 'not yet'

Q.......I'm 2 months pregnant.When will baby move?

A.......When it leaves college and finds a flat of it's own

Girl to friend, recently back on the dating scene "The trouble is these days guys expect you to perform fellatio on the second date"

Friend "But I don't know any opera!"

Sort of a joke..made me smile...

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

I love that nanaej!

I stopped posting jokes because it was getting harder to find any that would offend nobody - some were sexist (mainly blonde jokes), some were racist, etc.
Thank you for the last bunch - I found them very funny. I will start looking at various sites again and see if I can find some that won't get me shot down in flames!

My mate called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."

"Bloody hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "if they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

Two nuns in a taxi, going through Glasgow.

1st nun: I've never come this way before.

2nd nun: Must be the cobbled streets, dear.