Just jokes

Janerowena Nuns must be better off than when I was young - in the version I heard then they were on bicycles.

Which makes more sense really!

Marriage is like a game of cards ......

In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond ........

....... by the end you wish you had a club and a spade!

I remember my wedding day as though it were yesterday... I wish it was tomorrow - I'd cancel it!

I should have been warned - when she came down the aisle the organist didn't play the Wedding March - no, he played 'Here We Are Again'... not to mention the fact that she had a drip-dry wedding dress...

But oh, how I loved her - that cute nose,the way it turned up at the end - then down... and then sideways... Mind you she had a strange figure for a woman - or a man... or a horse...

You have just reminded me it's my wedding anniversary today! I had completely forgotten, and I'm sure OH will have. Ah well, it was a long time ago, no big deal...... (Sorry, OT, will go away and do something else)......

When I was breaking up from work to get married in the 60s, someone wrote on my good luck card 'it starts when you sink into his arms and ends with
your arms in the sink'.

This is not really a joke , just something I found amusing which I thought I would share.

10 Tell tale signs it is Bank Holiday.
1] The shops are busier than ever - except the bank and the post office which are the ones you really need [they are shut]
2]Unfamiliar facers read the television news. {The usual ones have taken the day off - probably to go shopping.
3]Make a point of looking at the traffic. Most cars left the City the Friday night, but you are sure to see one family gathered at the side of the road for the traditional Bank Holiday pastime of Watching the AA man trying to fix the car . You will also notice that the streets are full of buses on rail replacement services . Many of them are lost.
4]All the local children have painted faces with cats whiskers . This because there is a fair {or Fayre} in the area. A larger than usual number of escaped balloons overhead in the sky is another clue that it is a Bank Holiday.
5] There is news of a jack-knifed lorry on a Motorway somewhere.

6] The outbreak of hedge-trimming reaches epic proportions.
7]Call Centres answer after 248 rings instead of the usual 232, while at British Gas , it is a particulary time.
8] Outside petrol stations, the piles of sacks of Barbeque fuel are 4ft higher than normal.
9]You notice people are panic buying milk
10]In the brief moment of silence between the chimes of the ice-cream vans, listen carefully and you may just hear the distant tinkle of a Morris dancer.

Made ME

I met a man who asked me 'Would you like to see a blue film?'
When I said 'yes', he poured paraffin all over my glasses...

Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

From Ken Dodd: Hello handsome, can you tell me the way to the opticians?

QUICKIE

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup. . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
You won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

Luv it sunseeker

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I SAID I'm a billionaire!!.
~ Howard Hughes
*
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

_____________

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display. "I have good news and bad news" the gallery owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "What did you say?" questioned the artist. "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

Just bought a birthday card that had me in stitches.

Cartoon of a man walking along talking into his mobile phone and saying:"Hold on a sec, I think I've just taken another photo of my ear."

The Vicar's Housekeeper

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The vicar's young housekeeper was thrilled to bits,when told the Bishop was coming to tea.She had never met a bishop before and so practiced what to do and say, every day for weeks.The big day finally arrived and when the vicar rang for tea she went in,placed the tea tray before the bishop,took the sugar bowl and asked him:
"Two lords,my lump??

when Now that really does make me chuckle out loud.

Ooops!! Get yours sold now, soop. You could rake in a fortune!

I was visiting a religious order which was vowed to silence, and invited to partake of their evening meal with them. The Abbot told me that, after the meal they liked to hear jokes, but because of their vow of silence each joke had a number which he would call out instead of actually telling the joke, and as I was a visitor would I like to think of a number and call it out. So,I called out 'number 43', at which point everyone burst out laughing for minutes on end, on and on it went, and when I asked why the Abbot said "it's because they haven't heard that one before"

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean ?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K ?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding !!"

The swelling in his eye is going down - and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

I had a quick whizz through and couldn't see this one on here - so, Greatnan, I hope you would have liked it.

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when
one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in
the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the
front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,
one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . .

Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.