Just jokes

I love that, Grannyknot!

Ana so did I but then I panicked and asked GN to delete it, because I realised it is a true story that has gone viral (it was sent to me by email) and I felt uncomfortable to have it on a public forum .

Oh! Mind you, if it had already gone viral, I don't suppose it would have made any difference it being on here!

Just googled it - it's an old joke, Grannyknot...

You could put it back?

Today's Horoscope

You are gullible and believe everything you read.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives
that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" And poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini" St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St.Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in
the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'
So then he went off to do some fencing.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the
one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be inseminated?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ......









'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

What does the Queen call the Christmas broadcast?

The One Show.

jane that's funny.

Pun jokes:

I had every record Dusty Springfield ever released, I sold them all, now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

My brother went to Cuba so I asked him to get me a gift. He knows I smoke, but bought me a Che Guevara T-shirt. Clothes, but no cigar.

Jokes about political correctness:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a New Zealander, an Indonesian, an American, a German, a Peruvian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Tibetan, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Kazahk, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Ugandan, a Nigerian, a Frenchman, a Colombian, an Argentinian and a South African walk in to a night club. "I'm sorry", says the bouncer, "I can't let you in with a Thai".

Teacher to class: This year's holiday play is about "Mary and the Magic Baby".

Oh no! I duffed the one joke's punch line! (Just like I do in real life!)

That should be "I can't let you in without a Thai.

Don't worry I worked it out!

And finally, this from Stephen Fry:

"It's very common nowadays to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'. As if that gives them certain rights. Actually, it's nothing more than - it's simply a whine. It's no more than that. "I find that offensive" has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase.

'Mary and the Magic Baby'

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you
must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1f**kingprettyrose"

Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1f**kINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1f**kingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1f**kingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightf**kingNow.

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1f**kingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightf**kingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

The difference between Officers and SNCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

Granny23 you made an old soldier (& his wife) happy thanks

janerowena we've all been there

Just pinging - I need a laugh this morning.

Three soldiers attended sick parade and sat in a row, waiting to be called to explain their ailments to the MO.

First one is called, stands to attention before MO at desk, and recounts his symptoms. A little too much of the company of the ladies of the town, and he has a little problem. MO prescribes -"Five minutes with the wire brush each morning for a week, and excused potato peeling" and as he has a Troops Welfare form to fill in, asks soldier what is his greatest ambition. "To get better fast and return to doing my duty. Sah!"

Next patient is called. He has terrible trouble with his piles. Prescription - "Five minutes each morning with the wire brush, and excused route marches" His greatest ambition? "To get better fast and return to doing my duty. Sah!"

Third patient has a temperature and a sore throat. Prescription - "Five minutes each morning with the wire brush, and excused sentry duty " His greatest ambition "To be first with the wire brush. Sah!"

Brilliant, thank you so much!

Young niece has nasty brain tumour that has blinded her, good friend has died, another friend having to put her beloved mother in a home today - this week is not good!

janerowena I would hug you, if I could.