Just jokes

This joke is told to emphasise that women 'overtalk' situations. The converse could be even more enlightening ...

Women's version :

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version :

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

LOL, Lol.
So very true !!!

Alternative Terminology :

Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of a cafeteria
Bowel - letters like AEIOU
Caesarean section - district in Rome
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - punctuation mark
D&C - where Washington in in America
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Hangnail - coathook
Impotent - well-known, distinguished
Labour pain - got hurt at work
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post-operative - letter carrier
Protein - favouring young people
Rectum - damn near killed 'em
Seizure - a Roman Emporer
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - located nearby
Vein – conceited

Am now wondering how to work in 'I had no idea you were such an impotent person' when next I speak to my arch-enemy.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live slightly longer than men who mention it.

Love them!

Why does it take three women with PMT to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES OK!

How do you get a letter to the Easter Bunny?

– Hare mail

Why did the Easter egg hide?

-He was a little chicken

How do Easter chicks leave a building?

-By the emergency eggsit

How does the Easter bunny stay fit?

-Hareobics

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

-Hot cross bunnies!

Who's the easter bunny's favourite actor?

-Rabbit de Niro

How can you tell where the Easter bunny has been?

-Eggs mark the spot.

Theres nothing like a little spring weather to make one feel lazy, I’d better be careful, if I get any lazier I may slip into a coma

Don’t exercise, you’ll be happier……have you ever seen a jogger laugh

How many skinny people does it take to fill a shower? I don’t know they keep slipping down the drain

NEW EXERCISE PROGRAMME

Take 1 Weetabix and 1 Aero chocolate bar
Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix
VOILA -Aerobix!

aplus.com/a/dog-texting-messages

Excellent I loved the one about him in the car pretending to be dead lol

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

I love it!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

Very clever!

Mishap

I love Fridays, the end of a long work week, the beginning of a weekend of relaxation, TV and parties

almost makes me wish I had a job

sunseeker!

A journalist sat on a bench in Hyde Park where an old lady was feeding the pigeons and they struck up a conversation. She told him she fed the birds there everyday, always arriving at 11am. He warmed to her and he found her again at the same time the following day. She told him a little of her life. He liked her even more.
The following week, he was passing by and went to see her but she wasn't there. He went there again the next day but there was no sign of her, nor the day after. He asked a park attendant if he knew of the old lady who fed the birds. "Oh yes," the attendant said. "She arrives at 11am and leaves at 11.45 to take the 58 bus."
The journalist went to the bus stop at 11.45. The 58 arrived and he asked the driver if he knew of an old lady who usually caught the bus at that time. "I'm a temporary driver on this route," the man replied. "The usual driver will be back in a couple of days."
Two days later, the journalist asked the same question to the bus driver. "Yes I know her," he said. "She gets off at Notting Hill. I can show you her stop if you like?"
The journalist alighted in Notting Hill. There was a newspaper stand on the street. He asked the paper seller if he knew the old lady. "Oh yes!" he said. "She lives three streets down on the left, in the first mansion block on the right. Don't know which flat she's in though."
The journalist found the mansion block and asked the concierge where he might find the old lady who fed the birds in Hyde Park. "You've missed her," the concierge replied. "She died last week. She kept two large jars in the kitchen, one containing sugar and the other arsenic and she mistook the one for the other. She used to take the arsenic everyday to the park to feed the pigeons."

And the two snakes, slithering through the woods. Says one, 'are we venomous , do you think?' Why says the other. Cos I just bit my lip

A long-married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Two men were walking in the desert, they had plenty of water but had run out of food and were very hungry. In the distance they see a bacon tree. They begin running towards the tree when a shot whistles past them. Quick, get down says one man to the other, that's not a bacon tree it's a ham bush.

Three men were sitting in a pub discussing the fastest thing in the world. The first man says the fastest thing in the world is thinking, thoughts just pop into your head, that's very fast, you don't know where they come from. The second man says, you're wrong mate, the fastest thing in the world is blinking. Your eyes blink and you don't see them that must be really fast. The third man says no, you're both wrong, the fastest thing in the world is electricity. You touch the switch and the light is on, that's very fast. A fourth man is sitting behind them, listening to the conversation, he says, sorry but you're all wrong, the fastest thing in the world is diarrhoea, last night before I think, blink or put the light on I'd shit myself.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?