Just jokes

I give in. (should maybe post groan in advance)

Cook it until it's Bill Withers!

doublegroan

Two ducks were on a pond. One said 'Quack Quack'. The other said 'That's funny, I was just about to say that!'

Mishap

What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?

A duck-filled fatty puss!

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 22 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
22 million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b*stards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that !

Grumpies of the World Unite

Also………..

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Another 'old chestnut' but shows that nothing changes!

Sounds quite good actually ....

A man staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, he sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

“Why you say such a mean thing?” he asked.

“Well,” she said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly … it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Reviving the Just Jokes thread as suggested on Greatnan's tributes page.

I had an origami business but it folded - too much paperwork.

I used to have a coffee company but it ground to a halt. Don't have a bean these days!

I had a bouncy castle company but it was a big let-down.

I had a business selling kettles but it ran out of steam

Well done Granny23

I know mirrors don't lie ................. I'm just grateful they don't laugh

I swear mine does!

A married couple were on holiday in Haiti . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Haitian accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Haitian said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Haitian replied, 'Just try dem on, Monsieur.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Haitian, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Haitian's thighs.

The Haitian began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!

Brilliant janerowena

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk.

We just want to be able to understand him.''

If you want a really good laugh I recommend following Fifty Shades of Gran on Twitter (@50ShadesGran) Hilarious! I have also discovered that five titles by Heath Robinson have been reissued as ebooks - see www.wordstothewise.co.uk These books are still funny and the Heath Robinson cartoons are wonderful. Perfect for a chilly January afternoon.

Thank you!

One afternoon a lawyer was travelling in his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He told his driver to pull over and got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.
"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.
"Well then, you can come to my house and I'll feed you," said the lawyer.
"But Sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They're over there under the tree."
"Bring them along," said the lawyer.
Turning to the other man he said, "You come with us as well."
The second man said in a sad voice,"But Sir, I also have a wife and six children with me."
"Bring them all along," said the lawyer.
The all squeezed into the limo and the men said, "Sir you are too kind! Thank you for taking us all with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to help out. You'll really love my place: the grass is almost a foot high!"

Apologies if this has already been posted on here.

A vagabond travelling in the English countryside came across an inn with a sign outside saying George and the Dragon. He knocked on the door and the innkeeper's wife stuck her head out of the window.
"Could you spare some food?" the vagabond asked.
The woman looked at his shabby clothes and poor condition and replied rather sternly, "No!"I
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted.
The vagabond tried again, "May I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"Do you suppose I could have a word with George?"

A recent article in the Langley Times reported that a woman has sued the

Langley Memorial Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Johnson was admitted for retina surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."

The pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

The old ones are the best they so so here goes.

When she was a girl in Scotland, Mary was told by her Grandfather to always put a pinch of gunpowder on her porridge.

Mary died last week aged 101 leaving 7 children ,21 grandchildren, 5 great grandchildren and an 80ft crater where the crematorium had stood.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks the man if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to give the Englishman

the breathalyser and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

Love this one.

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts
them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner
didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am
going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will
show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him
another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,
"What did you do with the pastry?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket"

How the Greek Bail Out works

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.

( I wish it were that simple! But it made me laugh)