The Coffee Machine Thing gets Worse!

He's just gone off to do some more shopping, bless him. Heaven only knows what tomorrow will bring in the way of presents!

Happy Christmas Eve everyone, I'm off to play that wonderful annual game of "Curse the gammon". You start by getting out all of your biggest pans and finding that none of them is quite the right size/shape for the meat. Apply your first curse. Then you set it to boil on your newly cleaned hob, and wait for the spitting and splashing to begin. You can now curse again, even if you haven't rolled a 6.

You then realise that you forgot to make a note of the weight for timing purposes. Rummage in the bin for the wrapper and miss two goes. Now experiment with different positions for the lid in an attempt to minimse the splashing. Have another curse when you realise that none of the positions works. Say to anyone within earshot that it's the same every year, and why on earth didn't they remind you of that when you bought it. (Deflecting blame earns you an extra 10 points and a small sherry).

Realise that you forgot to set the timer, and try to estimate how long it has been boiling so far. Don't worry too much about accuracy, you are bound to be wrong. Apply an extra 30 minutes to be on the safe side, miss one go and have a sherry. After an appropriate length of time, drain and leave to cool. Award extra points if all of the water goes down the sink, but miss 2 sherries if any goes either on the draining board or your feet.

Cover with something to protect from cats (extra points available if a colander will actually fit over it, but deductions if you have to deploy either a tea towel of tin foil).

Apply final curse and enjoy.

Phoenix , hilarious !

I'm sitting in the grills lounge with a lovely expresso served by the gorgeous Miguel, looking out at the med where the sun is trying to shine.
I'm thinking of you all, honest, and phoenix almost has me crying with laughter.
I'm getting some funny looks from some of the staider members.
As usual I seem to be on the noisiest table for dinner!
Love and best wishes to all!

Phoenix fabulous discription I have been trying to get the hair dye on my hair for age's and keep reading the posts instead,I am in the process of cooking the meat have you any timing suggestions for 4 bird roast,very large leg of pork and 3kg turkey crown I think that there may be a lot of hot air in my kitchen to-day,needing 3 doz mince pies by 5pm so I think maybe put the nice & easy back in the bathroom and think about it for New Year.

Phoenix we need more like you on GN, so much more fun than the grumpy posts!

Jeni maybe there is a reason why yours is always the noisiest table?

Happy Christmas all.

Phoenix brilliant

jeni glad you're not being inhibited by other stiff-corseted passengers! Give Miguel a wink from us and be as rowdy as you wish at the dinner table. That's what we will be doing here

Well, look out Starbucks indeed! One of my presents was........................an electric coffee bean grinder!

The coffee machine has been used every day so far, with Mr P using selections from the "variety pack" that I bought him. However today he decided to use the electric grinder to grind some of the beans that he bought for me.

I lay in bed trying to just grab a bit more sleep, as the quantity and quality of the slumber l had last night fell somewhat short of my requirements. It was very windy here, and as I cannot sleep with the windows fully closed, there was a fair bit of whoosing, whistling wind type noises, accompanied by a directly related wafting of curtains. Then, as the blowing changed direction, a descant was introduced by my neighbours wind chimes. As Mr P was already providing a basso profundo section (which he had been practicing most of the evening on the sofa) it began to sound like something composed by the bastard love child of Benjamin Britten and Philip Glass, performed by the apprentice section of the Portsmouth Symphonia, but with less tonality and rather more gusto than was appropriate.

The effect it had on the cats is perhaps better saved for another time.

So, back to the coffee. My attempts to have a bit of a snooze were not helped at all by the sound of very enthusiastic bean grinding coming from the corner of the kitchen directly beneath my side of the bed. It sounded a little like an industrial cement mixer powered by a Harley Davidson engine in need of oil.

I got up, showered and went down to be met by the delicious smell of freshly brewing coffee. Mr P's approach to anything culinary seems to be of the "and one for luck" variety. How well I remember the first time he made chilli con carne for me. I was almost speechless with praise and gratitude, among other things.

I suppose the very colour of the coffee should have alerted me, but I'm not at my most observant first thing.

It was like being plugged into the national grid. My eyelids shot up like over tensioned blinds and refused to come down. My heart rate increased beyond a rate that might be considered within the normal range and I swear that had the lights been out it would have just about been possible to see faint sparks coming from the nerve endings of my extremities.

Thank heavens he had only used the strength 4 beans, and not the 6. I've had a quiet word. I think he understood.

You can't complain about being tired now Phoenix but will you be wired at 3am with industrial strength caffeine levels? Take a duster and polish up to bed with you - you might as well keep busy whilst you're withdrawing!

Ah yes, but, when, that up there happened this morning, luckily I have discovered an antidote to Mr P's nerve stimulant coffee!

Dom diddy oop a dom diddy dom doo (Rolf Harris style, without the oohh aahh breathing type noise) "Can you guess what it is yet?"

Without the breathing noises? There was me thinking along 50 Shades line.

(Have you ever thought of writing a column in your local newspaper?)

Nfk , 50 Shades of Grey has nothing to do with it! As ev'ry fule nose, the best antidote to caffiene is...............!

On the other subject, I always refer to our local paper as "The Funeral & Farm Sale Weekly" , the front page is always a list of forthcomimg farm sales, in that I don't mean farms that are for sale, it's usually a list of items to be auctioned at a farm sale, then a very large portion of it devoted to a list of who attended which funeral. (Extra points can be gained by being the first to spot the same person attending 2 different funerals). If you don't believe me, just try reading the Holsworthy Post! Another local paper that covers a slightly larger area is the "North Devon Journal". I'm not sure that they would appreciate my offerings, although they did once feature an item when I told them that our locl pub had installed a swear box. Not exactly news, you might think? But next thing the local BBC radio station AND the South West TV news descended!

In the realm of local(ish) papers, that just leaves the Western Morning News. Imagine a hybrid between the Telegraph and the Mail, but not quite so liberal...............

Actually, Nfk you might have given me an idea...........

A lucrative one I hope.

Time will tell, Nfk , time will tell............... I might however need the help of a few GN'ers!

sounds exciting!

Thinking caps on, ladies!

I've only just seen all this coffee business but I wish had seen it before - haven't been on gransnet for a while. It is hilarious all this coffee thing but I wonder if you would like to hear my coffee caper.

Well it goes like this....

two year ago .....two years ago! We went to stay at a rather swanky hotel - well actually we had a suite - and in the room along with the fluffy robes, glossy magazines etc there was a Nespresso machine! Well I loved that machine - I love the aerator thing that made the milk for cappucino - everything. So I said to my husband (DH is it?) - I would LOVE one of those nespresso machines. Well Christmas 2011 came and went - no nespresso.

So around my birthday 2012 I started dropping hints again - not too subtle either - like - ooo I would LOVE one of those nespesso machines like we had had that hotel. (by this time I had researched them online - I knew you had to order the pods online, join a club - you could get them by krups, magimix - the works.

My birthday came and went. No nespresso.

So last summer we went to Currys to buy a coffee machine, my DH said we dont want one with pods we want one with real coffee so we bought a delonghi machine which we used about 3 times and it was such a palaver it just sits on the shelf.

November 2012 we go off to Currys again to buy our daughter a Kenwood chef. Again we ended up by the coffee machines. There ensued a rather heated exchange about Nespresso and Dolcegusto. DH just couldn't seem to get that Nescafe isn't Nespresso - I know all about I said I've researched it- you have to join a club, you buy the pods online, there are different makes.... We walk away in silence before people start looking.

Meanwhile its the run up to Christmas, George is on the telly - exchanging glances with the girl in the mix up over their luggage. We watch the adverts in silence - you can sense the tension in the room.

Christmas Day - a large box lands on my lap. I open it.

Dolcegusto.

Is it good though, fluffy. I want to treat myself to a coffee machine. DD1 has a Tassimo and DD2, a Dolcegusto. They each recommend their own. I don't know which one to get. I don't want to have to buy the pods online so I have ruled out Nespresso.

But online is the way to shop! Nespresso is the best coffee machine without a doubt.

Well the Dolcegusto is easy to use - but I think the coffee tastes like you get from a vending machine - I think the pods use UHT or powdered milk.
I STILL want a Nespresso - so am using the Dolcegusto like mad - wonder how long it will last?!

I have taken to putting a wish list on Amazon. DH panics at the thought of buying the one or two presents a year with which I refuse to help him, so I put up a wish list, with one or two long shots in the perfume department. Bless him - it worked. But we are now into buying wells etc in Africa, it is so much easier. He still doesn't quite get that a <little> present has to be got, though...

Oh there are times when I really appreciate having a tiny kitchen and limited worktop space!