Is this a bit OTT

Nellie, as she is my friend I will not comment on your post except

Which is why so many Italian men do not marry. Modern Italian women are no longer prepared to wait on them hand and foot the way their mother's do.

My grandson, who has lived with me for 8 years and who is 23, is talking about moving out.

I was actually thinking of offering to do his washing for him.

Oh dear! I wouldn't dare now.

But i wonder if level of nurturing and how long it goes on for is partly cultural. What about the Italian momma?

When DD (late 30s) was seriously injured in a road accident we sat by her bed for the whole of each visiting time every day of her 10 day stay in hospital, but that was because she was psychologically traumatised as well as physically injured in the accident and she wanted us there. We would not have done it otherwise. We would have visited daily but for shorter periods. Visitors can be very tiring when you do not feel well.

When she went in for further operations we just visited for an hour or so each day. We did have to stay at her house because she lives over 70 miles away. She is very independent but lives alone and being ill, no matter what the cause, can be very difficult and depressing.

Men!

I would visit the hospital but not stay that long.

If my son's washing machine was on the blink I would be happy to do his washing, as I would for any friend, but if he was just an idle so and so I would not. Actually all my sons are quite capable of doing their own washing and all other chores and wouldn't dream of asking anyone else for help. Their wives are on to a very good thing!

I wouldn't even give him the paper plates but I would give him a strong talking to!

My SiL is in her 70s and not in good health yet she cleans her son's flat, which he rents from her, does his washing and shops and cooks for him leaving a months supply of meals in his freezer (he doesn't pay for the food). She also babysits her daughter's children 5 days a week, they are 3 and 5. On top of that she also does her ex-husband's washing (they have been divorced for around 25 years!). She is permanently tired and usually goes to bed at 7.00 p.m. every night.

I have suggested she does less for them but she just says they wouldn't manage if she didn't take it on.

Her daughter also has a habit of leaving bills around and she will pay the bill "to help them out". Both her daughter and son in law have well paid jobs and could afford to pay for child care but are happy to let her take it on herself.

Nina that sounds very bizarre! Controlling really. I wonder who is controlling who in this situation? The term "dysfunctional relationship" comes to mind.

Same with the lad and his laundry and washing up. I strikes me though that if the parents who are still doing this, they have already left it far to late to change and are never likely to tell him where to stick his dirty laundry. They do not realise though that the are not doing him any favours at all for his general development.

Yes, DNephew does have a car - I was wondering if he puts the dishes in a bag, or does he have a special box to take them over! My SiL is a very kind person and has always treated him like this - ie babying him. Interestingly enough she has two older daughters and they are left to get on with things. DNephew has had girlfriends and SiL would love him to be settled, I am sure, but I am afraid I can't see it happening anytime soon. My BiL very much does what she says and does not like to upset her. Funnily enough she is always moaning that he doesn't do enough round the house, which doesn't seem right when you think how she treats her son!

I'd hate to have somebody sitting at my bedside for 8 hrs. How are you going to find time to eat your grapes, watch your little telly in peace, get stuck into a good book and snooze when you feel like it. The catchphrase in my family is, 'Don't let me keep you.'

I'm afraid some mothers just can't let go.
It's sad because it doesn't do either side any favours.

Some people have a real phobia about hospitals; I worked with someone like that..we went to visit a friend that had just had a baby and she told me she hated being in hospitals.

Cheelu no she doesn't have learning difficulties. Of course I would expect them to be there if that was the case.
I would of course visit, and keep I touch by phone. But even when DH had op I didn't stay at hospital 8hrs at a time.

nanaej I'm with you - when DD was admitted to hospital with appenticitis when she was 22 I stayed with her until her op. was due, but because of distance and work commitments had to go and leave her to it! Her fiancé was there when she came round, and of course we visited regularly afterwards, but they're not children at that age.

I am feeling like a bad mother in contrast to the parents mentioned in OP.
When my DD2 was in her last year at Uni doing her final school placement she got quinsies and was admitted to hospital as she had become dehydrated & could not swallow. I did take her to the hospital & waited until she was admitted and in her bed.. but then I left. I did go back to visit her later in the evening and took her some bits and pieces.. but saw no reason to sit by her bedside.. she was 21/22 at the time and needed rest. She also had friends who popped in when thy knew she was there!

As to the son and his washing..

Some mothers are reluctant to let go. When my uncle and aunt got married, they lived upstairs in granny's house. When he came home for lunch, he would find that granny had food ready for him downstairs and so had his new wife in their upstairs bedsit.

I have neither washing machine nor dish washer and I manage perfectly well - wash clothes in the bath (I have a spin drier) and take bedding to laundrette. I imagine most people wash their pots in a bowl in the sink. I suspect this mother needs to be needed. If the son ever does get a wife, I can see some difficulties arising in the mother's relationship to the DIL!

I can't believe the son and the washing up, Gillie! And I'd have something to say about the washing too. My sympathies are entirely with your SiL and BiL, but I do wonder if they have somehow, over the years, created this rod for their backs?

As for the daughter in hospital, nina I don't know. If I had the time, I might well have spent some of it with her, if she had no-one else, that is.

nina why wouldnt you be there for her if it is what she needed or wanted.. Personally I would worry that she did need someone there all day, Does she have learning disabilities.

I had been feeling a bit down today and after reading this I am still laughing as I type so it has certainly cheered me up. I suggest next present to son should be paper plates, cups, etc and plastic throw away cutlery. They could also buy him paper underwear if they can find it. Why does the father not trundle round to sons house with clothes and crockery and ask him to sort it out while his Mum is ill.

They probably go and collect him!

I think a more telling question might be "Does he have a girlfriend?" and I don't mean that in a "someone to do the washing up" sort of way!

And all the food would be dried onto the plates...[ugh emoticon]. I've got this picture in my mind of him travelling on the bus with all this stuff - does he have a car GillieB?

That's easy to sort out - I woud just drop them on the floor and return the broken bits!! What stopped them tellng him where to get off the first time he tried it on?? Unbelieveable!

Yes, I agree, phoenix - the fault lies on both sides!