Would you be upset if...

How upsetting for you Specki, he sounds a bit like my father who behaved like a spoilt child with my step-mum (my own mum died at the age of 44) and instead of enjoying 25 years of a second marriage with a lovely (though spirited) lady, he ruined those years for himself and especially his wife. Eventually my step-sisters refused to go and stay with them as he was so unpleasant, and it made life rotten for my step-mum as you can imagine.

I always thought she should have escaped the marriage, but her defence was "why should I" when it was her home as well, so I guess she was partly to blame for the situation continuing until his death.

I can well understand why you are feeling so upset and angry, I would be livid. You have some time now on your own to decide exactly how you are going to manage the situation. Good luck and best wishes x

It sounds from your comment regarding your husband's son not making contact with him there could be an element of jealousy regarding the closeness you have with your sons. As a step parent myself, I think it always best to bear in mind the relationship a partner has with child/children from another marriage was there before you came on the scene and as the incoming partner it's best not to interfere too much with the dynamics of that relationship. I have been lucky with step children we have always got on, just minor hiccups very occasionally in our 28 years together, but I imagine my husband would be upset by the type of criticism you have described. I hope you can sort it out.

specki Hi, it was only yesterday that I was wondering how you are.

Lots of men behave like your OH my late DH did. He was very fond of my two sons but he could put a dampener on enthusiasm sometimes. In his case, I think it was more to do with the fact that he loathed his own mother. And, yes, I do mean loathed.

Our joint son recognised all this. He and his two half-brothers are very close. You have to decide if he is worth loving inspite of this. Only you know. And, by the way, I have heard plenty of friends make similar complaints to yours and mine and there are no children by previous marriages involved, just their own. MEN!!!!

Will pm you about lunch when the weather improves.

Hello flowerfriend thank you for that. I pm'd you already!

And to everyone else thank you for your thoughts - always there with support, thoughtful advice, feisty responses, and understanding. [bouquet]s all round.

ok I meant - cracking up!

specki you can take the kitten with you and go anyway

life is just toooo short to spend in a torrent of arguments and misery x

I agree Jadey

I think my own ex husband was jealous of our own two daughters because I was so close to them - he didn't particularly want children and would have preferred a new car/boat/caravan but he knew when we married that I would certainly want a family.
Sometimes I know why I have never come close to remarrying - so many men I met after my divorce, who were in their 40's or 50's, made it clear that they would not want me to play much part in the lives of my chilldren and grandchildren - beggar that for a game of soldiers! Others had grown up children of their own who made it clear that they did not want to share their inheritance and were very rude to me.
My daughter is exceptionally lucky - her young husband, his sister and his parents all welcomed her and her four children with open arms.

you sound like a bit of a Gem greatnan, sounds like you got it sussed

Upset? Specki, I'd be bleedin' incandescent! like Jadey says, take the kitten (and anything else you want) with you and get out of it. He sounds like a total control freak, the sort who can only feel big by making others feel small (I speak from experience)

well my friends - your posts have been so supportive and now I want to ask this...having had a week to lick my wounds and wallow in self pity, I'm at a loss as to know how to 'be' when my hero returns. Just had a nice phone chat with flowerfriend who suggested I should be downing a large gin and tonic - thats always a good idea...any other ideas that don't involve poison or sawn off shotguns? The thought of being a wifely welcomer somehow doesn't seem right. Large dose of irony there.

Oh speck I that is too bad not get in touch on wedding anniversary!

My oh does sulk and will admit he liked to ring me in happier times when I spent day with my daughter think they can get jealous of your relationships with children and they are his. He would never mock their cards or gifts tho that is bad form agree with other gran who said there must be reason. Do hope you can sort this out.

Actually meant to say play it by ear he will probably arrive feeling sheepish with flowers yes g and t good idea! Best luck look forward to seeing how it went

Just 'be' yourself and behave as if nothing had happened. I know other people have said take the kitten and go, but balance the kick you would get from doing that against whatever you have to lose. Many couples manage to live under the same roof after they have ceased to mean anything to each other.

I agree with anno, although I know I wouldn't be able to help myself from being a bit cool towards him. Perhaps this bit of breathing space will have given you some time to work out what you really want, specki. Good luck, however you choose to play it.

I would be inclined to do that too, but if he behaves badly again I wouldn't hold back from telling him straight out that it is unacceptable behaviour – childish jealousy – and that you want him to stop it. You never know, it may never have occurred to him! Throw it back in his face by being outraged rather than subdued. Good luck

I think I would make a point of being out somewhere else when he returned. I would come back home at a a time that suited me and then just get on with my life, neither commenting on his absurd behaviour or remarking on where I had been.

Be a quiet version of yourself when he returns. Cool, calm but slightly distant. Don't initiate any conversation but reply politely to any comments he makes. Let him make the running if he wants to get back to a normal relationship.

Funny - we all think alike! I woke up and 3.45 am, thought and thought and decided that that was exactly what I would do! There will be no meal waiting and I shall do as flower suggests and nurse a large g & t. (there will be no flowers I can assure you because he has done nothing wrong of course)..then I will be icily businesslike and polite and then carry on with my life.
Rock on Gnetters - you're beautiful!

I have experienced similar behaviour from my DH over the 43 years we have been together, specki. On quite a regular basis. However, after my daughter estranged herself from us for 7 years (and much of this was down to his boorish attitude, as well as my own lack of strength to stand up to this, I do believe) I was so miserable. He has always been jealous of the closeness I have with the children. I have my own two daughters and we have one son together, but his behaviour has been the same with them all. My daughter who 'estranged herself,' and I are now reconciled, thankfully, though not reconciled with DH. This is unlikely ever to happen, though I know he would like this to be. He's known as 'Grumpy Grandad' by the DGC's and that's no doubt how it will stay.
However (!) whereas before, I would knuckle under and do anything to appease his sulky moods if family visited, I don't consider this at all now, and haven't done since the day in 2004 when my daughter estranged herself. He knows that I will please myself where and what I do regarding DC's and DGC's. I just wish I'd done so before.
I've made him sound unbearable to live with, and this is certainly not the case, but I do know he has always had quite low self-esteem.
In your case, when your DH returns, I would have arranged something for myself. It would entail having to be away for the day (so no worries about your wee cat) and I don't think I'd be saying where I was going, or who with. I would also go somewhere that pleased me - somewhere that he's grumbled about going to in the past. I'd make it very clear that I would be doing this on a regular basis in the future as I really enjoyed myself. xx

speckie I dont want to appear brutal but do actually want him to come back? By which I mean do you really feel things will improve and this is incident a one off.
I am not suggesting you should answer this on this forum and I am probably saying a bit too much about my own situation by asking, but clearly it depends on what you real feel about the benefits of this relationship in the longer term.

I also wonder, as nellie does, do you want to get over this and move on together? If you do I don't think tit for tat behaviour is going to help. Can you not just sit down and talk to him about it? Tell him how you feel? If you say 'you did this' it will alienate him but if you say 'what happened made me feel like this, it is less confrontational.

Give him the cold shoulder if you want to end the relationship but if you want to heal it I don't think that will help at all, you will just both end up sniping at each other and won't move forward.

Moved a lot that is very good advice,

Do hope that yu can talk calmly and resolve it specki as would imagine you do want that to happen.

I can so feel for you the last few months are roller coaster for our marriage due to our family situ yet we love each other just not sure how we can stop rowing.

I very much want to go court see our gran daughters no want to of course but feel no other way that is ar root of most upsets as I am n short fuse I guess.

Agree with movea that tilt for tat behavhiour will only make it worse,.
Best luck relationships can be hell!

celebgran* Surely, if a relationship is "hell", the best thing you can do is get out of it if that is possible and practical.