Gransnet forums



(22 Posts)
pattieb Fri 05-Apr-13 04:28:21

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop worrying all the time?

Whenever anything goes wrong or even has the potential to go wrong I go into worryitis mode
Recently both my Mother and Mother in law died within 2 weeks of each other
It was my Mothers funeral yesterday and I omitted to clarify which crematorium we would be going to and my lovely son went to the wrong one and missed it
he arrived once we were outside and naturally was distraught
I am blaming myself and cannot stop thinking about it to the extent I feel sick with worry.
I worry about my children to let go??

PRINTMISS Fri 05-Apr-13 07:30:46

I don't hink you can do anything about something which is natural for you pattieb, some of us worry all the time, others just let things flow over them - I am the worrier type at times when everything seems to get on top of me, and I think of all the things I have done wrong and could have done better, my husband just says, "what's done is done, that's over and done with, let's get on with life", which is as you know, all very well, but very difficult to do. Just be kind to yourself, knowing that you do your best, and life does have a habit of getting on with itself - everyone makes mistakes - but look at all the children who grow into perfeclty happy adults, in spite of all the fears we have for them when they are young. If you have a garden, just try taking a walk around it - I find it very soothing, and although I am a worrier, people seem to think I am very "laid back".

gillybob Fri 05-Apr-13 08:24:34

I am a born worrier too pattieb and honestly can't remember not having stuff to worry about. Even as a child I worried about all sorts of stuff. I do have a "kind of" coping mechanism although it doesn't stop the worrying ( I think it is in our nature) but it does help me put my concerns/worries into prospective. I tend to mark each worry out of 10 ( I know it sounds a bit crazy). 10 is for the worst worry and 1 is for the stupid little niggles .eventually each worry gets to go down the list because it reaches a point where it is either resolved or totally out of my hands one way or another.

Your mothers funeral must have been terrible for you and omitting to clarify the crematorium was an innocent mistake on your part. Your head would have been all over the place and you can't blame yourself for that (although I know that's easy for someone else to say). Put that at the top of your worry list for today and then by the end of the week it will be down to number 3 at least....... Do try it it does help. smile

glassortwo Fri 05-Apr-13 08:31:04

I dont think you can change what you are if you are a worrier you will always be a worrier. I try to look at things by.. will worrying about X change the outcome and usually the answer is no what will be will be.

pattieb you have had a huge amount to deal with it was an innocent mistake try not to beat yourself up about it, you cant change what has already happened flowers

Ella46 Fri 05-Apr-13 08:35:46

pattieb, My condolences on the deaths of your mums flowers
However, your son must take some responsibility for not checking which crematorium was the right one. You had a lot on your mind and he is not a child.

I too have always been a worrier, but I think it's a habit, and habits can be changed. Now I tend to think 'what's the worst that can happen?'
Not the end of the world usually! smile

moomin Fri 05-Apr-13 08:39:43

I too am afflicted with worryitis, I just wish I wasn't! I have a mind which can go into cinematic effect and plays out various scenarios. I try to tell myself worrying will make no difference and it does help a little, although not much in the wee small hours.

With the amount of upset in your life all at the same time, try not to dwell too much on it. You are naturally feeling very raw at the moment so try not to be too hard on yourself flowers

flowerfriend Fri 05-Apr-13 09:19:13

pattieb Being a worrier is, of course, genetic. I have passed it on to two of my sons. Being a mother gives us an excuse to let the worrying have a free rein and it is very difficult to check it when you realise.

Do forgive yourself about the info on the creatorium. Gosh, your head must have been bursting. I send my condolences to you and hope that you can be kind to yourself.

annodomini Fri 05-Apr-13 10:08:23

pattieb, first, condolences on those bereavements. You have had a terribly fraught time recently and I hope you will be kind to yourself. flowers. Secondly, stop blaming yourself for your son's going to the wrong crematorium. With so much to deal with emotionally and practically, one small omission is looming far larger than it should. Think about all the things you did right. You'll get plenty of support from us so come back to us from time to time. Give yourself space to grieve, rather than focusing on one mistake.

Movedalot Fri 05-Apr-13 10:09:21

pattieb I think you may be feeling this more than normal because of all you have been through in the last few weeks. It would be enough to make anyone worry! You possibly feel very insecure and that things are outside your control, perfectly understandable, who wouldn't?

Whether or not you believe in God, this prayer is a useful tool for helping you sort out what to worry about and what not to:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

It won't be easy to change if you have always been a worried but it might give your worries some perspective.

Right now just grieve. flowers

Galen Fri 05-Apr-13 10:16:48

If I'm not worrying, I worry about what I've forgotten that I should be worrying abouthmm

Marelli Fri 05-Apr-13 10:20:03

pattieb, I'm a born worrier and so was my mother. My eldest daughter is as well, so I suppose it's either 'learned behaviour' or just genetic!
I worry about family but I do seem now, to worry only about things that I can't change, and if I think I can change them I'll do my very best. I really am beginning to realise - after all this time - that things do actually have a way of working themselves out, whether I worry about them or not.
Major worries - such as my family's well-being and health, are always foremost in my mind. When I was younger, I used to worry constantly about lack of money. However, now, with much 'training' into living frugally, I don't worry about it! I consider myself rich, because I can pay my bills and have no debt.
You've had an awful lot to deal with. Try to be kind to yourself, though. Look forward and not back. PRINTMISS's post about trying to get outside in the open when things get tough, is good advice. I find going for a walk really does help me. It seems to settle my mind, and when I come back in the house I have a different perspective. flowers

sunseeker Fri 05-Apr-13 10:39:57

My condolences for your loss. flowers

Like everyone else who has posted I too am a worrier. I also go over things from the past and worry about what I did wrong (I still worry about some things I did in my teens!). If I am going somewhere new I worry about how I am getting there, whether I can park and if I am meeting someone new, whether I can keep a conversation going.

As others have said I don't think you can do anything about it, if you are a worrier you are a worrier, but recognise the fact that if you are worrying about something from the past, most likely no-one else remembers it, if you are worrying about something in the future try to get as much information about it as possible so you are aware of what could go wrong and can possibly stop it going wrong! Also, of course, it may not be for you to make sure everything goes right. Most importantly - be kind to yourself.

glassortwo Fri 05-Apr-13 10:49:25

I also think you can worry about doing something and put it off, when you cant put it off anymore and do it you always think why didnt I deal with that as its wasnt half the problem you had built it up in your mind to be.

Movedalot Fri 05-Apr-13 10:59:04

Lists! When you wake in the night with all your worries going round and round in you head, write them down for the morning. I used to do this when I was worrying about work and what felt like lots of things, when written down, were often only about three!

Lists can be very reassuring because you can cross things off and it helps you stop thinking about them.

Reddevil3 Fri 05-Apr-13 15:23:56

Sunseeker- I could well have written 95% of your post.
I take after my father, who was such a worrier, he used to worry if he had nothing to worry about!
Keep telling youself that worry doesn't get you anywhere (it doesn't work for me, but might for you)

pattieb. You have a lot to cope with at the moment. Try thinking about the things that you did right- I'm sure there are lots of those. Try not to zone in on the negative. I honestly believe in the power of positive thought.
And back to the wrong crematorium, I do agree with what Ella46 said about your son checking. These are for you. flowers

Nelliemoser Fri 05-Apr-13 16:01:54

Oh Pattie flowers Given what has happened to you in the last two week its not surprising you made a mistake, its what happens to everyone when they are so severely stressed. Don't beat yourself up about this.

I know what you mean about worrying though and like other posters, I get into bad spells of this.

I agree with Moved about lists. It really helps you to focus and then instead of thoughts about things that need to be done jumping in and out of your head at the wrong moment, you can write them down. This alllows you to get the measure of what needs doing first and you can enjoy ticking them off the list.

Sel Fri 05-Apr-13 16:13:41

Pattie flowers first and foremost for you - who would expect you to be thinking straight after all you've been going through. There are lots of good suggestions here; I agree about lists. Someone once asked me what I'd worried about this time, a year ago. Of course I couldn't remember which just highlights the futility of worrying and also the fact that it does pass.

pattieb Fri 05-Apr-13 16:19:12

Thanks you sooooo much everyone for your kind thoughts and sensible advice which I am taking on board.

I have spoken to my son who is feeling OK I thinks and was sorry not to be there to support his Dad and I (and there was me up all night feeling I had let him down!)

It is so good to know that others care and I really appreciate it.

I have just listened to a relaxation CD and am off for a wander for half an hour.

I love the flowers and all of you too X

juneh Sun 07-Apr-13 09:59:35

God! I really know how you feel, guilt is a part of the worrying also. We worry about what we should or might have done as well as worrying about what we should be doing.
After many years in therapy because I was a therapist (therapy is a must for therapist) I discovered that I had paranoid personality traits, I believe that this is what causes us to feel responsible for whatever goes on around us. Worrying is just a part of that. It was a revalation to me when at 54 I discovered that my father wasn't my father, that in fact my father was an american airman my mother had a fling with whilst seperated from my father.Confused! yes me too. The reason I tell you about this is because once Iknew about my biological father then I realised that everyone in the family knew but I was the only one who didn't.
I always felt like an outsider as a kid and realised that this was the reason although no one ever told me. No wonder then that I developed paranoid fantasies. I constantly felt as if I had done something wrong, of course I had but it was about my birth not about me.

I still worry all the time especially about my relationship with my daughter, my husband's expression if dower can thrust me into some place where I worry about what might I have done to upset him. Usually nothing its just him being tired or something worrying him.
Being a worrier is horrible but one thing I have found helps is meditation, with lovely music to keep bringing me back to reality and a mantra Om mane pad ma hum.
Worrying is about fantasy,what might have been or what might happen somewhere in the future, like I said taking responsibility for everything that goes on around us. Try meditation with some zen music there is plenty on the internet or on UTube. Have a look for Depak Chopra on the internet.

Flowerofthewest Sun 07-Apr-13 13:19:43

I was taught a way of putting worry aside called 'Worry Time' Give yourself say 15 minutes a day to worry, maybe at the end of the afternoon or early evening. When a worry pops into your mind tell it to 'GO AWAY UNTIL 5PM THEN YOU WILL GIVE IT 15 MINUTES' I have tried this and it does work. That way you don't ignore the worry but acknowledge it and give it its 15 minutes. Then push it aside until it pops up again and repeat.

NfkDumpling Sun 07-Apr-13 19:38:50

I'm the worrying daughter of a top award winning worrier. I think there should be a help line for worriers and guilters. I think it has a hidden detrimental effect on family life and stress levels. We need research into how many working days are lost due to worry / guilt related stress!

The poem Movedalot quoted is lovely - a good friend of mine abbreviated it somewhat to B****r it! Which I find works quite well. Unless I'm tired when worry and guilt can gang up and win.

Flowerofthewest Sun 07-Apr-13 23:12:29

Oh the Guilt Monster, now that's another story!