Friends of friends

"Yes I'd love to meet but can we keep it just us two this time. I enjoy your company so much!"

There are ways to frame this sensitively as Madgran has said or just say ‘could just the two of us for lunch’ etc. And if she suggests Pat should come along say you would rather is just the two of you and don’t feel the necessity to explain further. You have the right to choose your friends and if this Jen is in thrall to Pat let her see her separately.

* just the two of us go for lunch

I know what this is like and am in a similar situation. I don't know what to do either. Currently I just stay the minimum time and leave early. Not ideal I know.

I would come straight out with it and voice my feelings of unease to Jen. Maybe she just can’t see what’s right under her nose. If she is a true friend she should take your comments on board and agree to meet you without Pat.
The only alternative is to put up with Pat and hope that if you give her enough rope etc., etc. 😉

Tricky. I wouldn't say negative things about Pat, but would suggest outings to Jen and say you'd prefer it to be just the two of you. If she asks why, you could say that you get more of a chance to talk to her when Pat's not around. She'll get the message, but won't be put in a position where she might feel disloyal to her friend.

I would have to say something too.
I would be quite straightforward I think and say "please don't bring Pat along - we can do something with Pat another day".

NotSpaghetti

I would have to say something too.
I would be quite straightforward I think and say "please don't bring Pat along - we can do something with Pat another day".

Am afraid I’m with you on this.
At my age I really can’t do with pussyfooting around friends, was a people pleaser most of my life, now I haven’t got the bandwidth for it.

I would start by saying something like Pat speaks her mind, doesn’t she but obviously in a very smiley way.
At another meet-up on your own bring up what she said that was unpleasant.
Just keep drip dripping until you feel comfortable by saying what you want to say.

I had this situation with my close friends cousin. The woman did just not stop talking from the moment she walked through the door.
I kept making jokes about her being on the talking pills 😂 until the next get together when I told my friend, I won’t be coming.

The cousin could have had ADHD and tend to talk non-stop when nervous in new social situations.

I say that as I have ADHD and also this tendency to do what a friend describes as 'jabber'. I am fortunate that as I know I do it, I can exercise some control over it, but not always. I have often been talking non-stop for several minutes before I realise - and then shut down.

Petra I couldn't make jokes about something like this. I'm afraid that does sound a little cruel.
I'm sure you don't mean it like that.

I would avoid them both. Why not?

I sat for our group's Christmas lunch next to the most ghastly woman who was disparaging, gossipy, and demeaning. She completely ruined my pre-Christmas mood as I could just not understand how someone could be so judgmental. It is five months since I last saw her and I am pleased to say that I avoid people like her like the plague. You won't change other people but you can change your response. Do something, do nothing, wait! If you have other friends, groups, or social connections, is this first friend so important to you? People come, people go, but you go on forever...........

I think Madgran’s and Doodledog’s approaches are both tactful and honest, which is what is needed here.

Madgran77

"Yes I'd love to meet but can we keep it just us two this time. I enjoy your company so much!"

Very good response 👍🏻

NotSpaghetti

Petra I couldn't make jokes about something like this. I'm afraid that does sound a little cruel.
I'm sure you don't mean it like that.

I didn’t make the talking pill joke to her, I said it to my friend.
It had gone on for so long that it felt like a penance every month.

I’ve been in a similar situation. It is very difficult when the only thing you have in common is your friend. I avoided going on outings where the friend was present by feigning an illness. A bit cowardly I know but couldn’t think of a way round it. In the end I think my friend got the message and we just meet as the two of us.

NotSpaghetti

I would have to say something too.
I would be quite straightforward I think and say "please don't bring Pat along - we can do something with Pat another day".

Yes that seems ok to me too although I think adding a compliment about enjoying someones company makes it more powerful/persuasive I think.

I I was asked directly why re Jen I would say "Well I find that when she is tgere we seem to have very little time to talk to each other as Jen has so much to say. I want to hear from you and talk to you on your own sometimes"

...sorry Jen is the OP and the friend is Pat so got names the wrong way round above! 🙄

Years ago I arranged a theatre trip with my two dearest friends assuming that, as I got on so well with them they'd love each other. They didn't. Lesson learned.

I would probably say I felt a bit like a spare part, if I go out in a threesome, or as politely as possible point out to Jen that Pat is not exactly my cup of tea, nor do I feel she is mine.

If you do not say or do something now, you will only find it harder as time goes on, and may well finish up dropping Jen as well as Pat.

Feel like the extra person is a bit of a Bully ? I have experienced this myself and let it go and didnt stand firm ... wish I had now ..

Follow Madgran's advice

MayBee70

Years ago I arranged a theatre trip with my two dearest friends assuming that, as I got on so well with them they'd love each other. They didn't. Lesson learned.

Been there. Many years ago we booked a holiday with friends.
Out of the blue the female friend asked if we would mind if her sister and family came along ( euro camp)
What could go wrong, it was my friends sister 🤷‍♀️
Before the holiday we all met up to have a meal together.
The first red flag was when the bill came. Like most friends tge bill is shared. The sister pointed out to her husband hadn’t had a desert and she didn’t have any alcohol.
It got worse. The night before we got the ferry we stayed at her house. She asked if we would like a drink. She opened the drinks cupboard with a key, took out the drinks we wanted, poured the drinks and then put the bottles back in the cabinet and locked it
It went seriously down hill after that. She was so mean with food that I told her she could teach Jesus. a thing or two on how to feed a lot of people.