Mourning period - out of fashion to mark it

Reading this reminded me of an incident from my childhood. I was in a ladies dress shop (the old-fashioned variety, not like they are today) with my mum when two ladies came in and one of them asked about a grey dress. The shop assistant obviously hadn't got anything in grey so started showing her some others. The lady said 'no they won't do, I'm in second mourning'. Obviously I hadn't a clue what she was talking about and my mum explained later. We didn't observe the tradition in our family though.

Wearing a black armband as a public display of mourning used to be a very common sight but I'm not sure that I could do it.

Absolutely nothing against it mind you, just not sure if I manage it

People don't even wear black at funerals these days - I know sometimes it's requested not to, but if not people still don't. I remember wearing black arm bands, people used to close their curtains when the hearse arrived at the house - that often doesn't happen either - the hearse coming to the house first. In Jewish homes the mirrors are also covered up. I think funerals and periods of mourning are done with as quickly as possible, people these days have a weird attitude towards death - don't like to think or dwell upon it - mourning properly helps you to come to terms with your loss.

I remember when my gran died. I went into a dress shop to get a black dress, the assistant replied ' I'm sorry madam we don't have any as it isn't the season for mourning!'

In Ireland it used to be black then purple, I'm not sure of the timescale but I know my grandmother's generation would dye the clothes they already had.

How would you dye black to purple?

I have a black skirt and cardigan that I wear for funerals, if I need a coat it has to be the darkest one I have, too expensive to buy all black in one go. I remember closing all the curtains until a funeral is over. What bothers me a lot is seeing everyone so upset at the actual funeral, then at the "do" afterwards it`s completely different, everyone eating and drinking and having a high old time!

I think it is traditional for the 'wake' to be jolly as a celebration of the dead person's life. At my father's 'wake' there were people who had known him when he was a child and a young man but who hadn't seen each other for many years. Naturally they exchanged happy stories about the past which was great for my siblings and me, and probably for my mum too, after the solemnity of the funeral.

As for mourning fashion, is there anything to stop people doing the Victorian thing if they wish to? The thing is though, lots of people who aren't in mourning wear black or purple. And what if you don't want people to know you are in mourning? I think it's possible to do one's mourning without making a show of it, and some people might prefer that.

I love the fact that there is more freedom in social customs nowadays. I think that is a healthy sign.

There are different cultural traditions to take into account nowadays too. We aren't all from the same background.

The day of DH funeral was hot like today it was the 30may 2003. We had loads of wine and tea in the garden with a buffet and at about 9pm we sent DS out for fish and chips. My brother when he returned home to Scotland told everyone it was more like a garden party!

Galen , that is good , your DH would have approved .

Whatever floats your boat .

I didn't go to a funeral until I was 21, my mother didn't think children should go to them. I had a real fear of them , I think because of the hush hush approach to death.

I do believe people are far more open today and children are included, helping with their understanding.

My mother had a terror of death whilst my father had a more pragmatic, common sense approach. When he was terminally ill at 92 he brought up the subject of mercy killing with everyone in a uniform to no avail.

I seem to be aware of funerals much more these days three so far this year and I seem to have an all purpose uniform for t hem. Few people can buy clothes especially for a funeral these days but I do remember as a teenager trying to buy a red jumper after my father died to cheer myself up and just couldn't bring myself to wear it .i do remember a shop full of black hats on the rue de Rivoli in Paris specifically for mourning- this was in the sixties.

Galen Mon 06-May-13 15:50:31
How would you dye black to purple?

I'm not sure, perhaps they had a couple of black outfits and a couple of purple ones. I daresay there would have been a bit of lending and borrowing amongst the family.

I remember years ago seeing some dresses in Worthing Museum. They were the trousseau for a victorian vicar's wife and were all dark grey or purple - the only colours he thought were suitable for her station! Heaven knows what she would have been expected to wear as mourning, black would hardly seem sufficient!

I did go to a wonderful funeral back in the 80's. The lady, who had sadly died very young, wanted everyone to wear their brightest clothes and I remember her husband wore the purple trousers and red velvet jacket that were her favourites.

You'd lighten it first with a product sold by Dylon and then use one of their dyes. Unless the garment was synthetic - then the best course would be to buy a new one.

Don't think I'd bother.

bags I understand that people can do their mourning without making a show of it, and clearly many do. I also realise that there are many different cultural traditions. I'm a real believer in live and let live.

The point I was making was that I understood for the first time (believe it or not) why someone might want to signal to the world that they are in mourning, as opposed to wearing black to reflect their own sorrow. There is nothing stopping people doing the Victorian thing (is that where it stems from?) but for some reason, you don't see much of that around nowadays.

I have letters with black borders obviously treasured by my grandmother announcing family deaths. In a way they were right to acknowledge grief as a real thing. Now we push it under the carpet or medicalise it.

Grannyknot I make a point of wearing an article of clothing to reflect the passing of someone dear to me. I do it out of repect and rememberance for the departed and have no problem in others knowing that I consider myself to have sufferred a loss. I do believe however that the days of mourning are being lost to all but immediate family.
As an aside may I add that I find the thrillers on BBC4 by Arne Dahl far superior to any other productions on TV whether they be crime or political thrillers. Unmissable in my book and the highlight of my Saturday nights.

I wear black to funerals (habit) but not after. The day after dh's funeral I think I wore a flowered dress.

Wikipedia is interesting on the custom of mourning... once again thanks to GNetters making me think, I am learning something new

"The custom of wearing unadorned black clothing for mourning dates back at least to the Roman Empire, when the toga pulla, made of dark-colored wool, was worn during periods of mourning".

Only male Roman citizens (so not women and not the slaves or servants) wore the toga so the custom didn't apply to everyone. Ditto here ehrn mourning clothes became common place, which I had laways understood (could be wrong) to be during Victorian times: only the relatively well off could afford to but new stuff for mourning. Ordinary people just had to wear what they had already, as they did for everything. If you've only got one "best", you tend to keep it for Sundays, weddings and funerals.

(Relatively is the significant word.)

ehm???

when

to buy! and always!

fingers not awake yet, obviously!