Mourning period - out of fashion to mark it

I didn't go to a funeral until I was 21, my mother didn't think children should go to them. I had a real fear of them , I think because of the hush hush approach to death.

I do believe people are far more open today and children are included, helping with their understanding.

My mother had a terror of death whilst my father had a more pragmatic, common sense approach. When he was terminally ill at 92 he brought up the subject of mercy killing with everyone in a uniform to no avail.

Galen , that is good , your DH would have approved .

Whatever floats your boat .

The day of DH funeral was hot like today it was the 30may 2003. We had loads of wine and tea in the garden with a buffet and at about 9pm we sent DS out for fish and chips. My brother when he returned home to Scotland told everyone it was more like a garden party!

I think it is traditional for the 'wake' to be jolly as a celebration of the dead person's life. At my father's 'wake' there were people who had known him when he was a child and a young man but who hadn't seen each other for many years. Naturally they exchanged happy stories about the past which was great for my siblings and me, and probably for my mum too, after the solemnity of the funeral.

As for mourning fashion, is there anything to stop people doing the Victorian thing if they wish to? The thing is though, lots of people who aren't in mourning wear black or purple. And what if you don't want people to know you are in mourning? I think it's possible to do one's mourning without making a show of it, and some people might prefer that.

I love the fact that there is more freedom in social customs nowadays. I think that is a healthy sign.

There are different cultural traditions to take into account nowadays too. We aren't all from the same background.

I have a black skirt and cardigan that I wear for funerals, if I need a coat it has to be the darkest one I have, too expensive to buy all black in one go. I remember closing all the curtains until a funeral is over. What bothers me a lot is seeing everyone so upset at the actual funeral, then at the "do" afterwards it`s completely different, everyone eating and drinking and having a high old time!

How would you dye black to purple?

In Ireland it used to be black then purple, I'm not sure of the timescale but I know my grandmother's generation would dye the clothes they already had.

I remember when my gran died. I went into a dress shop to get a black dress, the assistant replied ' I'm sorry madam we don't have any as it isn't the season for mourning!'

People don't even wear black at funerals these days - I know sometimes it's requested not to, but if not people still don't. I remember wearing black arm bands, people used to close their curtains when the hearse arrived at the house - that often doesn't happen either - the hearse coming to the house first. In Jewish homes the mirrors are also covered up. I think funerals and periods of mourning are done with as quickly as possible, people these days have a weird attitude towards death - don't like to think or dwell upon it - mourning properly helps you to come to terms with your loss.

Wearing a black armband as a public display of mourning used to be a very common sight but I'm not sure that I could do it.

Absolutely nothing against it mind you, just not sure if I manage it

Reading this reminded me of an incident from my childhood. I was in a ladies dress shop (the old-fashioned variety, not like they are today) with my mum when two ladies came in and one of them asked about a grey dress. The shop assistant obviously hadn't got anything in grey so started showing her some others. The lady said 'no they won't do, I'm in second mourning'. Obviously I hadn't a clue what she was talking about and my mum explained later. We didn't observe the tradition in our family though.