Finding one's self

Nobody needs me, and I find it very liberating. That doesn't mean nobody loves me, just that I am no longer responsible for them. I have always thought that being needed was over-rated.

I have a wee card that says "Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about CREATING yourself". What is really scary is not having anyone need you (though they will when grandchildren appear!) but really it can be liberating. What do you like doing? What makes you feel good? Is there something you have always wanted to do? Don't rush into voluntary work when you feel like this - unless there is something that really attracts you. When I retired I ended up doing so much voluntary stuff it began to feel like work. So, sending you and hoping you can get the space to think about what YOU want. Go for it. The world is your oyster. Coming on gransnet is good too - lots of interesting people with lots of ideas and support if you are feeling low.

Suzz- Who we are changes & we can create new bits of ourselves. It's useful to take stock of what your life is now but then to start imagining who you would really like to be - then start acting as if you are that person in any way you can, even if you can't really believe it's possible. Little steps at a time - even just going for a walk each day & looking about you, smiling at people. If you've lost confidence & have never been out in the world much being in a new group or volunteering can knock you back if you're not ready for it. I bet you have more skills/interest than you believe you have if you've brought up 4 kids.

suzz I think you are probably not of retirement age. Having kept house since you were 17, and raised four children, it would be a sad thing if you have reached whatever age you are without getting a few skills under your belt. Perhaps you could find an occupation where you could use those skills.

And remember, your children will be all the happier if they have a sound base to come back to to visit.

Best wishes.

suzz Don't feel shy of making new contacts. Even if you have only been a homemaker does not mean you cannot get out and do new things.
It can be particularly hard to make new contacts if, as you seem to be, you already feel quite isolated.

Like anno says I think charity shops could be a good place to start. You will be welcomed by just being able to be useful. This way you can gain confidence in making friends and move on from there if you want too. It would also help you to get out from under DHs feet.

As others have have said the the U3a is excellent. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere there is likely to be a group near you. These are groups who run a range of activities.

Don't be put off off by the "university" bit. Groups cover a range of activities from walking to handicrafts, languages. Think about what activities you do enjoy. and how you could develop them.

For examples Google U3A, look for a group near you and look at their list of groups.

Mollie just seen your post. "Some of us are boring old home makers and nurturers"

What do you think I am then?

I have had three children, each of whom left for university. And after taking, and leaving, each one, I have come home and howled! I know all about empty nest syndrome. I also know the children come back to you sooner or later and your job is to keep your end up so that there is a home, and happy parents, always there for them when needed.

Yes. I am definitely a homemaker and a nurture-er, and will be as long as I can manage to do so.

I agree this thread is n' t about me. So stop talking about me.

It can also be fun!

suzz - It'll take time to re-adjust, and to develop new friendships and activities - but do allow yourself to take that time. There are no rules or regulations.
It won't 'suddenly' happen. In fact, I'm still finding out stuff about myself, when faced with new situations and challenges. So just step out and find your own way. All the best!

It is all good fun here .DON"T be sorry GORKI , just be your self .

Gorki, whenever you join a forum that has been running for some time there will be people who 'know' each other. There is nothing secretive or arcane about it and newcomers soon get to know who's who. It wouldn't make sense for old hands to pretend to 'unknow' their previous knowledge every time somebody new joins. So, yes, it is possible to be over-sensitive and look for conspiracies where none exist.

That was a moving post suzz You want to know who you are. Well you know who you are, you are the mother of 4 children and are suffering from Empty nest syndrom. Believe me this feeling will pass and you will begin to do other things and then forget the question Who am I? t Finding yourself is Phsycho-speak. You could pay a therapist alot to find yourself but really you have not lost yourself you are just feeling unwanted and a bit down.
You have had plenty of suggestions but in your present state I would not be visiting lonely old people, they want really cheerful visitors.
The u3a is a good beginning and many have found a new life and friends there. Just to put a bit of lipstick on and leave the house will do you good.
If you like dogs and live in a country area a dog is wonderful for getting to know people. He will love you and comfort you and get you out of the house.
I understand that you may not like dogs but I can assure you. Many of us who wept buckets when the dear children left home are now very happy without them and sometimes never think of them from one day to the next. It is stage in your life and as you startet at 17 then you must be young enough to make anther start. Take care of yourself!

Ana

Suzz , just keep posting !!

I hope you find a happy balance in your life soon, Suzz - and that you haven't been discouraged from posting further.

Hmm...you may be right, Bags. Perhaps no one should ever pass comment on perceived rudeness in posts. A lot of trouble could be avoided...

No prob, gorki. No need for sorry

I've been thinking off-thread too, though the thoughts are relevant to this thread all the same

I think it would have been better not to have 'highlighted' jings' post, but for subsequent posters merely to have carried on with sympathetic and useful comments.

I hope you find something interesting and/or useful to do, suzz. There's plenty out there from which to choose exactly what will suit you and which you can do at your own pace. Good luck.

Perhaps I have used the wrong word. I know who she is because she posts so often . Do I mean "esoteric" (intended only for the initiated )? In ancient thought, to know and use someone's name gave you power over them and this is still true today. Thus ,names are very important and should be used with care. BUT that has nothing to do with this thread. SORRY !

Sorry, suzz, I can't find the thread I was referring to. Perhaps someone else will do a link to it.

Wanders back...

Since you knew who was being referred to, gorki, what's secretive? Just asking

suzz; I've just been to a gym for the first time in my life. It's one of those where the machines do a lot of the work for you but you still have to work hard as well. I haven't joined up yet [it was a trial session] but I'm seriously considering joining as you can go as many times as you like and they also have exercise classes as well. It's part of my 'planning for retirement' because, like you I've hit a crossroads of my life and am working out where I go from here.

That's true, jess.

The OP's problem sounds a bit like a "retirement relationship" (or should that be "relationship retirement", as in kids moving on/out) problem.

I haven't read that thread but will go and get a link (if, on scanning it, it looks useful).

<Wanders off thread>

Point taken Tegan. You are right to bring it back to the original poster'sproblem.

Hadn't thought about it like that Gorki, I'll try to use 'Jo' and forget the number in future.

Yes. That was the only reason I made my comment earlier.

That's the issue bags where some of us know jo... of old and may take some of her comments with the proverbial pinch of salt, a nervous first poster could be really taken aback.

Referring to jingle's name