Viewing the body

I was lucky, in spite of my father's indifference (which extended to all four of his children, at least he was fair), I was a very confident child because my mother and older siblings constantly reinforced my self esteem and this continued at school. I did feel uncomfortable that my mother made it so obvious that I was her favourite - she lost a child whilst she was pregnant with me, and she knew I would be her last child,so I think I got a double dose of love and admiration. Fortunately, my sister, who is almost four years older than me, has just left after a three week holiday with me, and tells me that she was always proud of me and never felt jealous.

Nelliemoser I had a similar relationship with my mother. She somehow always made me feel I wasn't capable and said things like "do you think you would like that?" whenever I told her of some holiday or some career plan etc. She constantly commented on my weight etc. IT does wear down your self esteem and I don't think you ever recover. On the theme of this thread my mum died in a nursing home a two hour drive away. When we arrived in the middle of the night I asked to spend some time with her (body) alone and told her of all the hurts and asked all the questions I never could ask in life. I used to describe conversations with her as me building a bridge to her but she never started from her side so the bridge always collapsed in the middle (if that makes sense). It was good to sit with her after death and pour it all out - quite cathartic.

This is such a personal matter, and its lovely (but sad) to read all your thoughtful posts. In our family, the deceased's body comes home as soon as possible, and from then to the funeral, the house is full of visitors paying their last respects. I have always found it oddly comforting, and for me, it feels like the right thing to do. Something about the age-old rituals, I suppose.

I think you have made the right decision Mishap.

Yes, this thread is sad. It has brought back so many memories and emotions that I have had tears in my eyes more than once. I can remember feeling surprised at the deep sadness that I felt after my Mum's death when I had known she was dying and wanted her out of her pain for a long time.

Oldgreymareyour memory made me smile. My DH says he wants to have a pair of pyjamas put in the coffin with him even though he has never worn them in real life.

Harrigran Yes! I think a lot of stuff like that didn't help. I am not sure about hugging, but not half as much as I did/still do with my kids.

I can relate to what you say Nellie. My mother used to ask me if I was sure I wanted to do such and such, was I capable ? I can never remember being hugged or kissed as a child and frequently told I was a pest even though relatives tell me I was a shy unassuming child.

I remember that feeling with my mum who became very difficult in her last year. At one point my parents were in hospitals ten miles apart. My Dad at 86 from being very fit was diagnosed with a rapidly advancing duodenal cancer which killed him within two months.

My Mum kept refusing food and just after my Dad died was back in hospital very dehydrated She was very disturbed and constantly calling out that she "was dying" so was in a separate room.
The worst thing, and I still find it hard to forgive her for this was when I was visiting one afternoon and was shouting I'm dying "Wake "M (my dad) up and tell him I am dying"
Which a week or so after his funeral I found very hard to deal with.

There was something my mum must have been doing when we were young, which I find difficult to define, but she managed to sap our self esteem in a manner which left with both my sister and I with a real lack of any confidence. She was warm and caring etc but... I don't know I might work it out one day.
So many families have these complicated situations.

I grieved for my lovely mother when dementia took away her entire personality - her death at 91, after years of mental torture for her, was a relief to everybody.

Brenda; it's wonderful that someone like you should be there for people at such a time, doing your best for them. The people that were gone would take the memory with them and the people they left behind probably weren't aware of what you'd done other than feeling more at peace with what had happened. Oh that we all have someone like you in our lives at times when we need them. And Greatnan, I know where you're coming from. My parents had been such a nightmare in their later years that, when they died all I felt was relief, but wanted to feel grief and pain at their passing [that did come years later].

So sad for you Brendawymms I am glad you have been able to share it with Gransnetters

Brendawymms

My grandma always says that good people only ever leave good memories and bad people..............

I think that this is so true.

Brenda

gillybob. That was the first time I have written it down. God bless all Gransnetters.

What a sad post Greatnan it reminds me a little of when my FIL died, my husband could not find a single ounce of grief for a man from whom he had never had any love or affection and suffered both mental and physical abuse during his childhood.

I find that it helps to write down the things that you cannot bring yourself to say out loud. Brendawymms

I was very interested in your post Greatnan I had a very abusive relationship with my mother. Physical and emotional. I coped with it by saying to myself that I would tell her what I thought of her after she died! The anger I felt after she died at 91 made me so ill I was off work because I could not vocalise that anger and others would not have understood.

This may sound strange, but I actually envy your grief, Mishap. You have had such a long and lovely relationship with your dear father and must have such great memories of him. I wish I could remember a single word or gesture of affection from my own father. No violence, just coldness and lack of interest - I think it would be classed as emotional abuse today.
I was invited by my MIL to 'pay my respects' to my FIL in the funeral home. I was only 19, and had not realised the coffin would be open. I was quite shocked - he did not look as if he were sleeping - he looked as if he had never been alive.
I think you have made the right decision for you - you can remember his face when it was full of love for you.

Me too Ella
I was with my Mum when she died.... she did not 'go quietly into the dark night' and as soon as she died I left the room. Perhaps I should have seen her 'at rest' as my memories are of the struggle she had.

I have coped much better when other family members/friends have died, and I have had nothing to do with the process of death or of viewing the body, leaving me memories of the good times we had.

I think you have made the right decision Mishap

The Undertaker insisted Mum could only be dressed in a shroud, I was upset about that as a ridiculous thought came into my mind, that she would be cold (she died in a January) . Mum loved bright colours and my sister and I had planned that she wear her brightest orange patterned 'two piece'. So viewing her in a shroud would have been even more unpleasant!
Sorry this is so long, but it helps to 'talk' about it all these years later!

This is such a sad thread, I'm sure it's brought back a lot of memories, I know it has for me

As a nurse I have been with many as they die and I took great pride in making sure they were laid out well. I have no fear of death at all However the person had left at the time of death and I have no wish to look at a dead person after that. Remember how they were and their life not their death.

At 51 I have never seen a dead body. My previous (late) husband died whilst playing sport and I never wanted to see him in the funeral home as there had been a PM and I was very scared of what I would see If I am honest.

I was with my father when he died but did not go and see him at the funeral home because there had been a PM and I feared they would have changed his appearance. My mother died in hospital and I was called to the ward during the night, I looked at her but there was nothing of her character there. I never went to the funeral home.
DH's mother died young of a dreadful condition and we were all devastated. Father in law had her body brought back to the house and DH would go and see her several times a day. I had loved and cared for my MIL but I could not bring myself to see her in her coffin.

I love your story about falling into a hole whatsgoingon and what a fantastic way to remember your Mum. It is being able to recall these anecdotes and memories that help our loved ones to be able to live on in our lives. My father was always laughing and joking about something and I often recall the funny things he used to say. I was fortunate to be with him when he died very peacefully in his own bed. When I saw him later in the chapel of rest I couldn't help smiling at the way he was dressed. It reminded me of an outing we had just before he died when he said "Your mother's insisted on dressing me up like a dog's dinner". He would have seen the joke.

I didn't go and see mums body because the last time I saw her was the day before she died and the lasting memory I have off her is seeing her standing by the front door, clinging to it whilst crying with laughter.
She had been very ill and housebound for some time so to see and hear her laughing was a rare treat.
And the reason for the laughing, as I turned to say goodbye I fell into a hole that had been dug just an hour or so previously ready to put a fence post into. I knew it was there, I could even see it but that didn't stop me, what a fool I can be at times.
As for my dad. I was with him when he passed away but I found it very hard to go and say goodbye to him. We were more than dad and daughter we were best mates.
I did go and see him but it still haunts me to this very day.

Nanapug that was one of the best pieces of advice I've heard!
*Mishap'