The Sadness

Phoenix, you are not mad at all, if you are grieving, then give in to the grief and spend some time remembering, perhaps it might help if you could recall good times. Sending you love and healing thoughts. [hugs] xx

I am like you, Gally, always seeming to be happy, which is actually my natural disposition, but the loss of my daughter to her addiction, and her probable early death from it, is never far from my mind.
I am not depressed, just very sad, but I have stopped lying awake night after night composing letters to her and her children.
It is the terrible waste of a life that is so upsetting, just as it must be for Phoenix.
The death of elderly parents is to be expected, even if it causes pain, but the death of a child feels unnatural.
I send sympathy to every person who is mourning for somebody they loved - I think you have to experience the loss before you can understand it.

I'm very touched by the feelings of loss on this thread, and all I can offer is my understanding of such sadness to those of you who have experienced it.

I lost my childhood, and there is not a day that passes when I do not remember.

My sister died after a road accident over 20 years ago and there are still think of her a lot and can get caught unawares when something reminds me of her, music or a book, but particularly music. My parents were still alive then and suffered that worst of all losses the loss of a child. My mother was never quite the same again. My father had strength for both of them and they resumed their normal life but the loss was always palpable.

Today a birthday card arrived for my birthday next week. I glanced at the writing and for a nanosecond thought it was my father's writing. He died 5 years ago, but it brings back the sadness. My dearest friend died 4 years ago and I still ache for one of her phone calls.

I think we have to be philosophical in accepting that for every life there will be a death but nothing can compensate for the loss of someone who was once close and dear to us. If the death of someone dear to us meant no more than loosing contact with a chance acquaintance, then life would be very flat and sad indeed.

I feel that physical pain, too, for my lovely mum and dad. It comes in waves, and often when I least expect it. I don't want it to stop, because it somehow makes them real to me. But Phoenix, nothing can compare to what you, and others who have lost a child, must suffer. Kind thoughts to all who are missing their loved ones

Phoenix, no, you are not mad, those physical feelings of grief you describe are familiar to me.
I think they never go away entirely, but as time passes you are able to experience sensations of joy too. It's important I think to allow yourself to do that and to recognise that it's ok almost to feel happy and sad at the same time, if that makes sense.

If you do find yourself dwelling a lot on past unhappinesses, it might be worth considering a visit to the doc to rule out depression. Obviously everyone misses loved ones who have passed on, and thinks of them from time to time, but it shouldn't colour too much of your everyday life.

Maniac, I do so hope that soon things will change for you and your grandson. Never say never. xx

Baby brother died when I was 4,Mum and dad when I was in my 30's.
Sister died of breast cancer in 1987.All my aunts,uncles,sisters/brothers- in
law and several close friends in last few years.
But none of these losses have given me the gut-wrenching pain of being denied contact with my only grandson in the last 3 years.I feel it every day.His 14th birthday yesterday.I sent a card but not sure he will see it.

For you Phoenix, loss of an almost grown-up child must be the hardest to bear.I often read your poem.

Iam64, you're right. We don't have closure, do we - nor would we want it, because you can't draw a line under a person whom we have loved and lost.
It's all part of life, though.
Riverwalk, . x

So much loss, so many kind and heartfelt words to friends on gransnet. I found it comforting to see so many people acknowledge that we don't have 'closure', we somehow continue to live our lives. I count my blessings for the life I shared with my parents, and with some very good and much loved friends, who are no longer here. It's the relationships and love we shared that help me with the sadness. That, and a growing recognition that love is a great sustainer.

....... "There's not one day that passes that I don't think of J, my baby boy who I found dead in his cot one spring morning when I was 18" ......

Marelli how young you were to have suffered such a loss.

Big hugs and to you all.

to all of us, I think.

No one is mad to miss loved ones who have died. But it is almost unbearable at times. Very difficult, too - trying to be jolly when you are hurting inside. As we get older friends get fewer I remember my dear mother saying that, but its just as hard to take and loss changes our lives for ever. Dara XXX

Most of us have been touched by sadness and to a certain extent can identify with those who have posted of such great losses in their lives. When a large part of your life has been taken away, the change is unimaginable to those who have not experienced it.

The loss of a child must be just overwhelming. The loss of a husband/partner equally so. to all those suffering "The Sadness"

phoenix. No you certainly are not mad. I have lost many people, as most folks on here have. My mother and in-laws (all in their 50s), my father,
my nephew at 16 from leukemia (I was visiting him when he passed away), my sister-in-law (his mother) at 49, my brother at 24 (suicide), every one of my uncles and aunts, many friends, the most recent of which was a month ago aged 52. Many days I have not felt like getting up in the morning but somehow we do.
I can remember years ago when they used to visit childrens cancer wards on TV on Christmas morning, watching from my cosy living room thinking 'how awful' but it seemed like an alien world to me - something that happened to other people. Never in a million years did I ever think this would affect my family but it did. for you phoenix

phoenix, by the time we get to our age, I suppose it goes without saying that some, or most of us will have lost parents and other extended family members that we really, really loved and who loved us back.
There's not one day that passes that I don't think of J, my baby boy who I found dead in his cot one spring morning when I was 18. More children have come for me, and their children and in in the case of one of those children, her child as well. Some days for a short time, I can feel so bereft I can hardly bear it - but then, you just do, don't you? No understanding how we manage it, either. It's a clutching in my heart (and soul, probably) that I feel, and that will never, ever go away. That I do know.

(((hugs))) To all feeling sad about lost loved ones at the moment.

My Dads birthday is on the 19th. He died in 2002 at 86. Even though he was of a good age he was still fit and physically well until he got a very aggressive duodenal cancer.
He was so active for his age he had seemed to me to be indestructible.

sunseeker, Galen, Gally, (((hugs))) No-one is mad - just very sad.

Galen
I am psyching myself up, gradually, for what would have been our 40th Anniversary in December. It is hard hearing how friends are planning to celebrate theirs but I try to rise above it!
Phoenix you aren't mad, of course none of us are; we are just desperately sad. I have had that awful physical feeling since John died. It's a combination of pain, hurt, disbelief, guilt and everything else rolled into one. If I think about my situation too deeply, it becomes even worse which is why I rush about trying to be jolly and happy, filling my days with anything and everything and pretending all is well when it damn well isn't but that is how I try to cope. Just thinking about your situation, losing a beloved son, makes me reconsider my grief and in a way puts it into perspective.

29th August would have been my darling husbands 70th birthday. It is just over 10 years since he died. I do wish we were celebrating it together!

I'm sure that's why the heart is a symbol of love, because the emptiness is in that area.

A very close friend lost his son of 5yrs old through drowning and his wife died when she was 38. I can honestly say that he is the most upbeat positive person I know. How do they do it.

phoenix I think it is normal to feel these sad times. I am going through it myself at the moment. 1st August would have been DH's 65th birthday and 22nd August will be 2 years since he died. I think it is best to just accept what you are feeling and know that it will pass. I find trying to think of all the happy times we had does help.

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child and (((hugs)))

phoenix - mad - not you How you ever cope with losing a child I can't imagine and it must be awful when 'The Sadness' hits you. (((hugs)))

I am sometimes overcome with sadness for DS1, for what he has lost and how awful his life has become but we still have him with us and he is moving on with his life.