Stunned and sad

(hugs)to fabnan and sewsilver. thinking of you.

Hugs and support so helpful. Naively I thought things would get better.... They don't or not yet.think it would help if I were more mobile.

It's very early days, Sewsilver! You're on a journey, and you will get there in the end (and you'll soon be on your feet again)

Sewsilver, my heart goes out to you. My ddh passed away in April, I still find this new life I have been forced to live so very hard. I miss him as much today as I did in April, life will never be the same....But in the last couple of weeks I have decided to take the bull by the horns and do what he woukd have wanted me too....I have flownbto Holland on my own to see dgc, and survived the sheer panic of travelling on my own.
I feel his presence in everything I do, an this week that furst feeling in the morning has not been that sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach on waking, The happy memories are beginning to shine through rather than just the horrendous last week of his life.
it would be our wedding anniversary on 16th November, I know that will be really hard, but I will get through it.
C.......s is another thing. I am going to one of my Son's - first time ever all the family have not been to us at some pointnover the festive season, just cant face that empty seat. We have decided that I will do a special party day at end of January, when all 6 dc and 12 dgc will come over we will celebrate a family day, I know it will still be hard but I am determined my family and I will do Mike's memory proud and we will learn to enjoy life and be so thankful he was such a big part of our family...and always will be. I do hope that you will see this glimmer of light atvthe end of the tunnel in the not too distant future.
please pm me if you would like a chat, or just someone to vent your anger on...I had a friend that I used to rant about the injustice of his life being taken, it did help.
love and hugs and to you. Lynne xxxx

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband sewsilver, Lindy, Fabnan and all you other lovely ladies who have recently lossed their partners. My daughters father died very young and very suddenly which was terrible and I still (after many years) feel terribly sad thinking about him. We were only together a relatively short time so I cannot imagine the pain of losing someone after being with them for 20-30 years or more. to you all.

Lindy, sometimes we go to places where we went with my husband, and our grandson insists on having six chairs round the table, one for Grandad.
We have a seat in Beamish where we go whenever we feel like it, and talk to Grandad. Last month I met my other son there, and was crying when he arrived after I realised it was the first time I'd been to the seat on my own.
We also have lots of trees in the Yorkshire Dales and in Woodland Trust woods in his name, places we used to go and walk, when he could.
One of my brothers-in-law thinks I am daft going to places we used to go to. If I avoided them, I would never be able to go anywhere.
Anyway, even though he was ill for over fifteen years, the memories in most places are good ones. The bad ones are in the house I now live in.
Can't say it gets better after the first lot of anniversaries are over. We were married for 45 years so there are lots of memories.

I can imaginie it is extremly hard though Jendurham especially the first time you visit a place that was special to you both. You have made me feel quite sad. to you too. 45 years is a very long time to be with someone and I can imagine life could never be the same again.

Jendurham, we are all very different, I feel my dh all around me in our home, I just feel that C.......s is one step too far. Mike would dress as Father Christmas for the gc, would always sit atvthe head of the table and always rinse of all the plates etc, just feel it is too soon for that at the moment.
I too go to all the places we used to go to, mixed feeling of sadness he is no longer there with me but happy memories of all the good times we shared.
my younger gc believe Mike is living on the moon and they regularly tellvgrandad what they have done during the day, saying goodnight to him every night. It is little things like that that bring a smile to my face and make me realise that we will all enjoy life again.
we keep him alive everyday and always will hy talking about him and remembering his wonderful nature and silly jokes!
I truly believe you never get over losing the love of your life; you just learn to live with it.

My grandchildren talk to their mums beautiful old horse that died last year Lindylooby. They say he lives on the moon and rides around the sky with wings like Pegasus. It makes me really tearful when they talk to him as though he can hear them and I can only imagine how it makes you feel hearing them talking about thier grandad in the same way. I do love the way children deal with such sadness in this way. Did your late husband ride by any chance?

We all do it differently and cope as we can.
I don't feel, well I try not to feel, J around me at home even though we lived here for over 30 years. If I so much as imagine him walking through the hall into the kitchen and calling out 'are you there' which he did all the time (and I would yell back 'where do you b****y think I am?' ) I just crumple. I still have all his suits in the wardrobe and they go in and out like a yoyo but I can't do it yet. I can look at photographs now, but I can't cope with having him in the house, when I know full well he won't ever be here again. It's making me cry just writing this. On the other hand I am finding it hard to make the decision to move or not, because I would be leaving him and all our memories behind - does that sound stupid? DD3 is the same; she says if she doesn't think about him it doesn't hurt so much. DD1 mentions him only occasionally and I know it's hard for her and DD2 talks about him a lot but she is in Oz and feels that she just hasn't seen him for a long time and that time just becomes longer. I am just so sad that the gc's won't remember him apart from through photos.

Gillybob, no my husband didnt ride. The Ellenor (same as McMillan) nurses said they would find their own way with grieving, but Dreamworks films have a boy fishing whilst sitting on the moon, and our 3 year old gc just said 'that is grandad on the moon' so it stuck and has been a real comfort to the younger gc, and me at times, but wgen he tells grandad nanny has been crying, or can he please come back for a cuddle I dissolve into floods of tears (away from gc).
Gally it has only been 6 months for me, sorry not sure hiw long you have been widowed, but everyone tells me not to make any major decisions for a year, and like you my husbands wardrobes are still full of his clothes. That is somethjng I cannot bring myself to clear, not sure I ever will! I have many photographs of him around, with various grandchilrren over the years, formal photos from our various cruises and some of jyst him, it helps me, but I realise everyone deals with grief and loss differently. X

How sad Gally I can picture the "are you there?" scene as my DH and I do something similar. He comes in the door shouting "its only me" and I shout back "hello me" I can imagine how hard it would feel to leave the house you shared together but if it helps, my grandma and grandad were together, married for over 60 years before he died. My grandma moved into her bungalow after his death and tells me that her memories are in her head not in 4 walls. She (and I) can still picture my grandad sat in his chair, pottering around the garden or whatever in their old house even though she no longer lives there.

Yes Lindylooby I think children do find their own way of greiving and picturing him as that boy on the moon fishing is really lovely.

Gally . If I was just that wee bit nearer, it would bring these to your door, see if you fancied going for a coffee and a good blether.

Follow your instincts re moving house. At the moment you want to be there and not leave your memories and that is perfectly understandable, not in the least bit stupid. You do what suits you Gally and what gives you comfort. Leave any decision making until you are feeling stronger. Look after yourself.

Still have most of Ken's clothes and it's 22 months since he died.
I have got rid of a few that he did not really wear much, but my grandson sometimes wears his grandad's jumpers if he feels cold in the house. If I move from here I will have to get rid of the clothes. That's one reason for putting off putting the house on the market.
If my grandson is staying overnight we always have to look at the stars and decide which star is Grandad tonight before he goes to bed.
I still jump when I think I hear Ken shouting my name from the bedroom.
If my grandson goes to the toilet and hasn't come back, I know I can find him lying on my bed talking to Grandad.

Thank you to..

Jendurham, gillybob, lindylooby,

It is so reassuring and comforting to read what you have to say...some days I think I'm going mad with how I feel!

Hugs to you all and sewsilver

ThanksAgus that would have been lovely!

So sad for you all but at least you have had all that love.................

I can only imagine

to everyone who has loved and lost, so much sadness in this thread, but also so much love. We need a [heart] emoticon.

Dear Sewsilver, Fabnan, Lindy, Jendurham and everyone who has recently lost a DH, its been many years now, but I still remember the shock and feelings of almost madness at the time.

Be so gentle wth yourselves, walk through grief in your own way, don't try to be brave and back to normal much too soon. Accept invitations from people who are uplifting, supportive and loving, avoid those who are draining.

And, don't feel guilty at the moments of happiness which will eventually come.

My love to you all

xx

I admire you all for your courage - you may not think you are being brave, but it certainly sounds that way to me. Sending love and good wishes.

Thank you alternativegran....wise words...I will do what you suggest. I just feel totally lost at the moment, some days I think I am getting stronger then another day just so, so sad and lonely. I have a lovely family but they cant be with me all the time. I need my own time as well to just be able to grieve. I am trying to see friends and do things but its a struggle. (Sad)