Pre Christmas support thread - if full of seasonal joy, please start your own threads

Jess what a wonderful thread, thank you.
This time of the year is so so difficult for so many people for a variety of reasons.
I have reasons to dislike this time of the year, but I am also so thankful for what I can be joyful about.
In recent weeks we have witnessed some tragic accidents from all over the world, all of these tragedies as we know have real people,families at the core.
When I am feeling down I will try and keep all of those families who are facing a very difficult time.
Support someone close to you.
x

Should have re-read my post!
I meant to say that I will try and keep all of those families who are facing a very difficult time in my heart.

Some very sad posts here for you all. A special bunch for positivepam

I'd like to ask a question. It is meant as a way of provoking thought and not in any way to dismiss or be unsympathetic towards the feelings others have spoken of on this thread. Here it is:

Why is not seeing one's loved ones on Christmas Day/at Christmas worse than not seeing them at any other time of year?

I ask because for me it is no worse, nor would seeing them at Christmas be any better than seeing them at another time. DD and grandsons are hoping to visit in February. What suits them suits me and I am looking forward to seeing them then. The between times, barring illness, accidents, etc., my feelings about my far flung family members will be no different from usual.

If I ever said I couldn't help how I felt about something, my mum would always say "perhaps not, but you can help how you behave and how you behave may change how you feel." I don't know much about cognitive behaviour therapy but I know it can be effective. I do wonder if there is an equivalent that helps people deal with feelings they don't like?

I understand what you're saying, Christmas day is just 24 hours like any other day. I see GC at least once a week and am very happy for them to go off to their other Granny at Christmas or for them to spend time with them at home. What pleases DC and GC pleases me.

BAs far as I'm concerned, it isn't.

I don't think this thread is just about missing children/grandchildren/extended family.

Bags What excellent advice from your mother.

Luckily, I see my children and grandchildren often. I would hate it if I didn't but I imagine that Christmas would be worse because one would imagine that the rest of the world was having a really lovely time with the extended family.

As it is, because they are around a lot, I can take or leave whether they are actually with us on the day. They are not with us this year and it's a chance to have a really relaxed day. It's their life and, I hope, because I don't demand their attendance, when they do come here it's because they want to.

Jane, I agree!

ffinnochio I agree with you too.

I like to take the long look at problematic things. The xmas decorations (e.g. tree but others too), the 'typical' family get-together over a midwinter feast, the present-giving, lavish or otherwise, are all quite modern 'tradition'.

Further back from their introduction in the ¿19th century, it was more about the religious aspect of the birth of the christian messiah. So devotions would be in order and a celebratory feeling, i suppose.

Further back from that, in the northern parts of the inhabited world, there would be celebration (if only a feeling of relief) that the shortest day was over and that the world would lighten up again. Feasting if possible, no doubt.

We don't have to 'buy in' to any traditions that make us feel sad or miserable, so it would seem I haven't understood what the thread is all about. Or I have but I'm just lucky enough to be able to keep out of it for the most part. But it is a choice I've made in order to preserve my equilibrium and not feel and not feel that December is any more "difficult" or sad than any other month.

Bags the reasons that it is harder at Christmas are many and varied. I won't go into them all as it would be too upsetting. Just believe me it is. Especially for all of us who lost children and grandchildren at a time of year which us magical to children.

That I fully understand, aka, but you would feel the same about whatever time of year a family tragedy happened, wouldn't you?

I didn't get the feeling from the OP that that's what she was talking about.

No you do not fully understand bags or you would not say that.

OK, i don't understand. But i still don't think the OP was talking about what you're talking about. If she was, no doubt she'll correct me.

As you wish. I'm out of here.

It's the media and hype and adverts of happy families and enforced jollity and ho,ho,ho and Father Christmas's everywhere that rub in what we should have (they say) and the fact that we might not have it as perfect as (they say) it should be makes us feel worse than we might otherwise. The rest of the year it's just the routine adverts telling us of things we really, really want - and still have no use for (does any of that make sense, I'm listening to the Radio Four afternoon play and have lost my multitasking ability)

bags I note that you have started a can't be arsed about Christmas thread and that's fine. I'm with you on that one - but feeling sad and lonely at this time of year is, for some people, more than not really being that keen on the whole shebang. Some people love the whole shebang but have no one to share it with.
I do get a bit fed up with you wading in and recommending the rational approach to emotions. Many of us have been brave and continue to be brave about events and losses that you have not (I believe - if you have, you've never mentioned them) ever had to deal with. For many people this is the loneliest month of the year - and made worse by so many factors such as adverts, normal activities stopping for two weeks etc
Please bags give it a break. If you don't understand, you don't understand and I hope you never have to. I know it is very well meant but I think it is misjudged on this occasion.

jess, actually I think I do understand and, no, I haven't mentioned tragic events in my family. I agreed with the remark that said I didn't understand because it seemed simplest – not that it's a sin not to understand something someone won't/can't explain.

I'm surprised you have such a problem with a rational approach to dealing with emotions since, of all the gransnetters, I seem to recall that you speak most often about CBT and other helpful approaches to various things that impact people's lives. To me there isn't much difference between that, which is also rational, and trying to deal in a rational way with upsetting emotions. However, it's fine that you disagree.

I will bugger off now, mean rational bastard that I am, with never a life problem to deal with, and leave people to wallow. Enjoy.

PS I said what I said because I have found it helpful and, you never know, someone else might. Worth a try.

Really buggering off now.

It was indeed v. helpful, B. I was beginning to slide.......
Thank you.

It will always be hard for me as 5th Xmas without my daughter and. Own3 granddaughters,
Phoenix so tragic to lose a son at that age,

I am lucky I have wonderful husband and so. But it will never take away the
Ian of what I am. Missing, we have bought small gifts for thenlittlengran daughter including new one but not sure if hav e courage to deliver them I. View of past upsets. When feeling better will wrap gifts and make effort. Not spent so much this year as to be honest we never get acknowledgement and have no idea if gifts are received,

I enjoy decorating tre and cards from loved ones and the we dont see often, I do not enjoy all the commercial hype.
this Xmas also estranged from niece and little great nieces due to trouble caused by her ex. Hey oh life goes on!

Jess very well put.

bags people can't help how they feel and maybe they wish that they could be as rational as you are.

We are all different and feel things differently.

One thing I picked up from Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is that you can't help the things that happen to you, but you can affect how you react to them, similar to Bags' mother's advice above.

I'm a bit uncomfortable too with the implication that there's a sort of hierarchy of suffering and tragedy and our position within it makes us more or less qualified to express our opinions. We have no idea of what our fellow posters have gone through in their lives.

I'm sorry if that sounds hard-hearted, but I'm in the mean and rational camp with Bags.

Well why don't you have a Christmas "rational" thread and let others who feel upset discuss their feelings without being accused of wallowing! Surely there is room for rational and occasionally irrational people in Gransnet. I can't begin to imagine what some people have gone through but I know that when my (then) only grandchild was in Australia how much worse Christmas was than any other time of year. There was an advert at the time for American Express cards which said that "Christmas with your first grandchild is priceless" . Every time it came on and took me unaware I had a wee greet. Irrational is ok too.

Yes my grandkids have been abroad for a long time and I have only once been with one of them on Christmas morning. I don't feel sorry for myself and make the best of it, but occasionally something pokes me below the belt. I'm happy that my sons will be together for the first time in years this year and hope they enjoy each other's company.
I certainly would not presume to say that I had my emotions all sorted out. Or that there was a hierarchy of suffering.

So yes irrational is fine and I think sometimes it can help to know that you are not the only one with family far away, or family that don't want contact, or have lost a loved one that will always be missed at this time of year, how ever much you distract yourself.
Or just having a down day in this darkest of months. to all of you brave grandparents.

Not wallowing but sometimes feeling as if drowning. I almost stride through December not allowing myself to think about how I do so try not to feel as 17 December approaches. I try to close my mind and not dwell. I tell myself that I am truly blessed because I have other children and now their children - who may never have been if J had lived. However, I know I'm going to struggle very hard indeed as the day gets closer. Just maybe though, this year, I'll manage myself a bit better.
to all those who do struggle - and not merely because it's Christmas. xx