Anyone else on their own for Christmas?

From Balmoral: Hey I got here with GN magic It was easy - get over here!

I'm on the way, just sorting out a decent cardie to put over the dress.

Get yourselves over to the new year party thread!

Can I come I've got some twinkly antennae things. I feel like dog pants today got the heaviest head cold you can imagine tummy bug Christmas day cold for New Year so doing really well Need something to cheer me up feel really down in the dumps so want something daft to make me smile xx

I have got the tinsel, should I staple it round or just try some glue on the wellies currently I am trying tinsel tied like a Roman sandals, now that does look glam.
See you there, May need a lift home, CharleygirI might pull and then I will be a gooseberry, can you still make gooseberry wine? Would it mix with champagne?

Sorry I didn't know about access but I was worried. Ps has good advice. BTWtinsel slung casually round the tops of wellies is a good look. My Indian carpet Is wriggling across the floor raring to go and I can bring lots of champagne as weve got a surfeit. Anyone need a lift from NE?

withany you will need at least one jumper over your party frock and wellies will be fine. I will be wearing my sensible shoes with my trousers and comfortable tops, a few layers. My tiara will go nicely with that lot. Do not worry if you do not have a tiara, you can borrow mine if you wish. I cannot dance with it on anyway. Enjoy yourself and forget about that b*****d for a few hours, he is not worth it.

Well decorations and cards down, dogs walked so I am ready for 2014.
Yes PS I did remember but only just, to put up new alarm code,did it when electrician came to do outside security lights, my place is beginning to sound like Colditz, it was already installed when we moved in, and here on my own it's a precaution I'm glad of, mind you everyone has to come past neighbour further down who's Nick name is Checkpoint Charlie, he will even flag down the car and ask who you are visiting...one neighbour used to tell him outrageous lies, about where he was going on holiday, like he was going to let out rooms in his house, I thought that was cruel poor old boy, on his own, no family at all, he is just trying to live his life through yours, sad really because he tells a good tale.
Anyway trying to make up my mind what to wear for our gransnet New year party, thought I might put my head round the door, but there has been talk of really posh frocks and even fancy headgear, I will need to wear wellies to get there, will it be alright to keep my thermal vest on under the frock, you know what a dreadful chest I have had. Come on, I am trying to get into the spirit of things. Yes Charleygirl nothing will give me more pleasure, my bed is king size and the spare is a double, accept for one sheet and what is on the bed I gave all the double bed linen to my DS I disposed of all single bedding a year or so ago. Towels vanish don't they a bit like the odd sock syndrome, well they will if DH calls.
See you at the party!

withany you stated earlier that he has little in his flat. Once he moves in as you said, he does not possess a fridge or a cooker. He will also realise that he does not own a tea or a bath towel. Bed linen will also be a problem for him so beware, he will be around looking for his "rightful" share. It would be good if you had towels that were fit for tthe bin, they would suit him nicely!

You do sound stronger and will be ready for him when he does appear. I agree with ps you should change the alarm code asap.

withany I was also told they have access rights to the house if it is joint ownership even if they have left. In fact they can force entry as it is still legally their home too. What I did however is change the back door lock myself with a 5 lever mortice security lock direct replacement (around £30 or so if I remember correctly) from Wickes. I then leave a key half turned in the front door to prevent access. She did moan and groan about being denied access but I packed everything of hers up and she took it so there was no need for her to call for access. She did try on each occasion I was away but only managed to take stuff fron the potting shed and garage. I wish I had changed those locks too but I didn't. I guess you have changed the alarm code to one he will not guess. Good luck.

No Stansgran, I haven't changed locks, legally he still has access rights after divorce papers served I can, and back that up with a judgement order. Yes I could do it and say I lost my keys and so on, but in the end I just end up with a bill to pay. He cannot get into the garage its on a remote control, which I have, there is no access to the back garden except through a really tall gate which is locked and bolted, no way he can climb over it, no point he doesn't have a back door key anyway. The house is fully alarmed. The stuff he will want from here, he is welcome too I have just photographed everything and made a note of it all, so that if it is missing from the asset list he has to provide I will know. My jewellery is not here and apart from my car I have nothing of any value that would interest him, so I am not worried about that. He doesn't want to live here he has a sheltered housing flat, and the minute he is back the divorce petition will be sitting on his mat, or if it has to be signed for the day after he comes home. Thank you everyone, I think I am probably a bit braver, and I am currently talking the talk, I am determined he will not take the rest of my life, and I will do everything I can to ensure that he doesn't.
Happy 2014 to you all.Hopefully I will be bridge building...

Every time I see this post I want to ask have you changed the locks? Back door front door shed and garage?

withany you have grown stronger with each post - always be aware that if you start to weaken you have supporters here on Gransnet. The idea of packing his things and putting them in the garage or shed is a good one (although if he turns up I suspect you will offer him a cup of tea!).

I suspect that when he comes back it will take a couple of weeks of coping on his own before he realises what he has thrown away - that is probably when he will start the charm offensive.

As others have said it is unlikely he will be allowed permanent residence in USA - and I doubt at the age of 80 his "friend" would be willing to move to UK, so this is not likely to be a long term affair. I also think her family may be concerned about her "toy boy"!

withany so pleased to hear of your determination and a brilliant idea re the decorations. I don't have any up but do have cards on display so I will take your lead and get rid of them by tonight ready for a new start from midnight. Be strong, stay strong and I sincerely hope 2014 is easy on your emotions.

withany well said.Keep strong. Good advice from everyone. Keep him out of the house, stick all his stuff into cardboard boxes for collection.Stack the stuff in the shed so he doesn't need access. Let's hope the reality hits him when he gets back. Life won't be so sweet then. Nor will it be sweet when she's 80 and he's only 74!!! Health insurance is expensive over there I doubt she'll want to pay !
Here's to you for 2014 and hugs

Thank you ladies, you are so right, he will return to his flat, then the fun begins. He only got it about 9-10 days before he went, he said he had a mattress to sleep on, he had bought table and chairs and had been donated 2 sofas and a T.V., and he was happy to start from scratch? But he didn't rough it for long, when he comes back to that, no cooker, fridge etc he may try to use his charm and our long marriage, but I'm afraid the past is just that the past, I am moving forward hell or high water, I have no intention in letting the treacherous b back into my head or my heart.
I am intending to take the few Xmas decorations down tomorrow, so that on the stroke of midnight I really will leave 2013 behind and start 2014 as I mean to go on, on my own. I feel brave and determined today, no doubt
I will have lots of tears yet to cry, but I am human, we are allowed to show our emotions, and the day will come when my first thought of the day is NOT of him. I managed it this morning, tomorrow evening I hope to Skype with my son's and their families, if that doesn't happen I am going to raise a glass to me and moving on. If a teardrop falls that's fine, Cry a river, build a bridge, cross the bridge, 2014 is bridge building time for me. The support on GNs has been wonderful, I was so lucky to find it when I did. Once again thank you for your kindness.

Well said Bluebelle. That b*****d must not get a foot over the threshold, he walked out, he can stay out. I agree, there should be a wall of silence between you unless it is business.

Please do not let your heart melt if he is on the doorstep with a sob story.

Withany I'm new on here and have been reading this thread since you started it First I am truly sorry and realise what turmoil you must be going through I had two husbands cheat on me (bad luck or was it me?) and its b*** devastating but one thing worries me and that is I think as you stated your head is understanding your need to separate your complete self from this piece of trash but I m concerned that if he came back on the doorstep with a hard luck story you would melt. I think you have been very strong and are doing incredible well but the more distance and time between him and you the safer for you I think. I don't think he deserves a second chance he hasn't give an iota of care for you, your feelings, his sick child or even his old dog, a selfish self centred man. Let him stew in his own soup and don't give him the pleasure of arguing or answering his emails unless they are business and please don't torture yourself with seeking ANY information about her or give her the satisfaction of asking her questions, that immediately puts her in a position of power, as to whether she answers or not, whether she tells the truth or not, and back foots you. Put a HUGE dignified distance of silence between you and the two of them ...and huge oodles of Good luck

I'm afraid you are right Charleygirl i am a horder, I had just started to get rid of the clothes I had grown out of... now I've lost 2 stone 3lbs, I wish I hadn't, but now I can be really ruthless none of the, I only wore that twice, I can let it out, take it in, take it up make it into a skirt, that is such a good idea, I have the incentive now, bet I find lots of forgotten treasures.

withany you can start with the simple things such as your personal clothes as I am sure that you will not want to take everything with you. If like me you are a hoarder, I feel sorry for you!

I also doubt if this woman will want to pay for private health insurance for that b*****d and that is something that he will need if not now, in the future. I think that he will be back, especially once his money runs out.

Well as far as I know he is staying with her on their own in her house, as I say he is trying her out!
I need him to come back to start divorce, what he does when that happens is up to him, he may want to go back to her, but he can't for 90 days, if he wants to move out there, I suspect he wouldn't pass the medical, and she would have to say she would support him, his state pension won't be enough, all of that takes time, she is 72 he is 66, but I really have no idea which way he will go. I have no intention of staying here in Wales, I want to go home to Buckinghamshire.
You are quite right about starting now with the clearing out, but I am going to get clarification from solicitor what I can dispose of safely, without DH having a say.
My list of questions for her gets longer by the day, let's hope she has the answers.

withany i find it telling that the love of his life has not invited him to move in with her or has he?

What do you want, would you prefer that he stays out there or if it all falls apart, he comes back to this country and lives in the flat he acquired? Would that not be too close for comfort?

It takes ages to sort through paperwork, items, clothes etc. so if you can bare it, now is the time to start. I am well aware that it is not easy and a few tears will be shed en route.

Whatever you decide, with the help of your solicitor, we are all behind you.

Thank you both for your kind thoughts, I walked the furry monsters and came home and felt a little more orientated. You are quite right Sunseeker, we didn't introduce the dogs to GD because she had met them both individually, she is quite a petite little thing and as time passes she will grow bigger, it was the noise of them barking that seemed to be the problem not that they were aggressive in anyway, and I'm sure everything will be o.k. but I will bear in mind that suggestion Sunseeker.
My DGD missed her granddad and said he was very naughty, she loved me very much and she would live with me if I wanted her too, lump in throat time She drew me a lovely picture I am stood underneath a rainbow, she says that is what I am like!when she thinks of me she thinks of a rainbow...
As for DH, who knows this all seems more and more contrived, he didn't have to rush off to America he could have got divorce started and so on but he ran, and in effect he has left me to dangle in the wind. I can do nothing until he is back in the country, in the meantime he has his new home, he is spending our money giving her a good time, and he is having the 3 months trial with her, as it were to see if things would work out. I do wonder that if it doesn't, if he is going to come back and try the nervous breakdown card? I think the next few weeks will be the telling time after meeting, and the festivities life goes back to normal, DH may not like her normality.
In the meantime, I am making lists of things I cannot be parted from and have to come with me when I move, I will have to be brutal and that will be the hardest thing ditching the 'thing' and the memories attached to it.PS you know exactly how the dog comment felt, every tiny thing becomes magnified, as you so rightly say there is no quick fix I am only 9 weeks in and no doubt there is a lot more to come, it is a real comfort to know someone somewhere is hearing what you are say, and listening.

withany sunseeker has echoed exactly what I was thinking. Can I respectfully suggest that your emotions and trepidation are possibly hindering your ability to see the bigger picture and what needs to be done. If the problem is dogs or grandchild then there really is no contest. You can lavish all the love and affection on the dogs after grandaughter has left. The dogs will not mind. Unfortunately I do understand that because of how you feel the minutest of problems will appear to be major issues with no resolution seemingly possible. It's symptomatic of how you feel and sadly there is no quick fix I'm afraid other than to conciously sit down & try to focus on each stage of the situation and possible solution. Far easier said than done if at all possible without help.
The only reason your husband has appeared to be able to put aside the last 45 years is because he has a distraction, he has not had to dwell on what he has lost or what he has betrayed. Sadly you are laden with all that burden and will be for many months to come just remember that a problem shared is a problem halved so do pour your heart out to any one or all of us, the least we can do is lend an ear and support.

withany You say your husband has moved on, but has he. At the moment he is in a different country with a new woman with all the interest that entails, but once he returns to UK he won't have that excitement and when he is sitting in his flat all alone, having to cook his own meals he may feel very different.

If your DS feels uncomfortable bringing your DGD for visits, perhaps you could arrange for the dogs to be in another room when they arrive and then gradually introduce them to her. She was probably startled by them when they were so boisterous when she arrived and it made her nervous. If they can be introduced to her gradually she will get used to them and they will get used to her. Do talk it over with your DS as I am sure he doesn't want you to feel left out and he wouldn't want your DGD to grow up afraid of dogs.