Christmas blues.....? Am I the only one?

Rockgran



x

Thanks Nonu

Me too Rockgran. I am always saying to DH 'do you think he/she took what I said the wrong way' or 'did that sound right' or 'what do you think so and so meant by that' or 'am I horrible/hopeless/embarrassing/do I look ridiculous in such and such an outfit.....' the list goes on. Glad I'm not alone

Forgot to add my DH's answer is usually 'it's not all about you'. He is SO right.

To push that theme a little further Katy we were on some holiday or other .
I said to himself is this alright ? His reply , yes no-one will be looking at you . WHAT !!!
din"t speak to him the rest of the day .

Now , if he says to me is this alright ? I can I think quite fairly say , yes no-one will be looking at you.

We have a good old laugh about it , still he NEVER said it again !

I've read all the messages on here with such interest and can understand and sympathise with every one of you and now I'd like if I may to tell MY little tale because I too suffer terribly from these low, depressive mood swings.Please bear with me as I have to explain ALL the story.
I have a wonderful wife and after working all our lives in the UK we moved abroad to Cadiz,Spain where we bought a house, nothing 'grand' just a simple retirement home we could afford with what money we had, my wife being Spanish.We needed to be somewhere with a hot climate as my wife suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis.
In keeping with thousands of other UK Property Buyers in Spain we discovered that our home was 'illegaly built' even though we used a Lawyer Independent of the Builder, NOT recommended by the Bank. The Lawyer we discovered was both incompetent and corrupt. The Agent of the UK Property Company - (who were completely unaware and innocent) -was taking interested buyers to local properties built by local builders she knew and was in league with, NOT the Companies Properties she was supposed to! SHE was also in cahoots with the Bank Manager who gave her a 'back-hander' for everyone she brought to the bank who took out a Mortgage or opened an account. She got as much as 15,000€ from the builders for every house sale she got completed. She also got back-handers' for other recommendations she made to Kitchen Fitters etc.She is of dual English/Spanish parentage.THIS or similar was 'normal behaviour by many hundreds or thousands of Property Sellers throughout Spain from 2003-2008 and the very reason for the collapse of the Property Market in Spain.
We discovered 8 months after the purchase that a Major Road was taking half our land and possibly the house.The Lawyer said it was our problem, we should have checked-up on local plans - we didn't admittedly because we were NOT in Spain once the actual sale was completed and did wrongly think the Lawyer did the searches as they did in the UK, BUT they do NOT! As my wife had lived in the UK for more than 30 years she was also unaware of our responsibility.
Then the 'General Building Plan' which governs the local laws was altered and 'THE road' was miraculously and without explanantion removed although we never really believe ANYTHING the Council or Government in Spain say so it has been like living for 9 years with "the Sword of Damocles" hanging over our heads.
Then the WHOLE plan was removed, so NOBODY could legally build anything or even paint the outside wall of their property without a Building Licence without fear of enormous fines,and the local council were NOT interested in issuing any licences only fines - unless of course you were a Councillor, knew a Councillor etc,etc.
NOW, sure enough we have found out that 'THE road' is back in the New Plan to be issued next year. The little savings we had have been depleted one way or the other and of course our health has suffered greatly as a result. I now have a heart disease, the stress is palpable 'though my wife ALWAYS helps others and NEVER thinks of herself. I always say to her she is a good nurse but a bad patient.
I have continual thoughts about how we are going to pay for a proposed 'Council Urbanisation Plan' where they plan to charge every home owner 60,000€ simply to provide mains water and sewage connections which can apparently be provided at a much lower cost but the Council have to have their 60% percent rake-off.
I think of 'Death-Duties' because we live in a 'Community', no longer a Province, where they are among the highest in Spain and the Council will seize your property if you can't pay them!
I think of my son who lives in the North of Spain who I love dearly but have not seen face to face for over 4 years because he has to work so hard to hold down his job, with so many unemployed ready to take it from him, and who I will NOT see again this Christmas.

Spain is in dire straights so I doubt the road will be built for a long time. But it may stop you selling. I'm very sorry for your predicament but I imagine that you all would have plenty of power if you united with a strong leader.

Wretched ipad I meant straits

Rowantree - I so identified with what you wrote. As Christmas approaches every year I resolve that it will be a non-event in our house - I tell them all I can't do with a tree, don't want the cards displayed etc etc. I think everyone else but me is out partying, meeting up with friends - just exactly what you wrote. I have a good husband, two lovely helpful daughters and two delightful grandchildren. Added to this I'm a serious churchgoer! So this should be a joyful time. Although most nights I usually get to sleep pretty quickly, within two or three hours I'm always awake and then doze on and off until it's time to get up. Sometimes during these sleepless hours, if I'm not careful, I mull over everything and all my resentments come to the surface. Usually these evaporate when I get up but the resentments can be quite venomous. I sort of imagine myself as a sump or petrol tank and my negative thoughts as gunge that settles on the bottom and isn't usually a problem but then I hit a bump and it shakes up the gunge which clouds and dirties my feelings. Eventually it settles again. It was a great comfort to find I'm not alone, thank you for sharing this Rowantree. These days we are assailed on all sides about creating a perfect Christmas (I'm just about to watch Alex Polizzi's Perfect Christmas on BBC2). Bah humbug! But I send every good wish to you, Rowantree, and to all the other Grans for Christmas and the New Year. As I always tell myself, it will be all right on the day (and it usually is!).

Just think, in a week's time it will be over, we won't have to feel anxious about shopping/cooking/presents for another twelve months. I do hope all Gransnetters have a good Christmas despite everything, and for those of you who could feel better, I wish you all the best for 2014.
Here's to you all, and I raise my glass (port and lemon, if you want to know).

Dahlia , it will not be in in my house I am glad to say.

I wish my anxiety began and ended with Christmas - unfortunately it's a millstone I drag around everywhere, dagnabbit! Of my own making, from my disfunctional brain. Grandmama, I watched the Alex Polizzi programme and it just made me irritated. Television seems to be all about The Perfect Christmas, where people have huge social lives (we don't!) and spend much of the time effortlessly entertaining, throwing parties and dinners. That taps into my feelings of inadequacy even though I KNOW it ain't for real! I still imagine most people are doing all of this except for us.
I love your idea about the sump or petrol tank with the gunge at the bottom being stirred up (wink) - that is a very good way of describing uncomfortable and unwanted feelings.

I should be looking forward to seeing our lovely daughter tomorrow when she comes down to stay - we don't see her much. I am, partly, but it's all clouded by feelings of anxiety and comparisons AND I WISH THEY'D BOOGER OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE so I can live my life!

Thanks to all for the comforting messages. I do worry about a lot of things: some of it admittedly not worth worrying about, but my mind doesn't seem able to distinguish between what's major and what isn't - it all tumbles into one heap of tangled anxiety. NanSue, Rockgran, Tegan and others - wouldn't it be lovely to take things in our stride more and step back from worry/anxiety I wish I could banish mine - it's a demon!

I can't believe how incredibly selfish you all are.Someone who has a perfectly sound,stable homelife with no 'real' cares other than completely imaginary ones on her own admittance makes a post and everyone fawns over her yet when someone makes a post that would give any normal person genuine reasons for jumping in front of the next train that passes,no one gives a hoot!?

Not true, Invictus People with big problems get as many replies as people with ones that some (you) think are minimal, usually more. Does it hurt less to stub your toe because a neighbour has broken a leg?

Have you posted a problem which was ignored? If so I don't remember seeing it. Perhaps it was at a time when no-one was around, and it moved down the list before anyone saw it.

I am sure people do sympathise invictus, I for one feel, very sorry for your situation but you actually put yourself in that situation, caveat emptor. Properties in Spain have featured in television documentaries for years. Sorry if this sounds negative.

Invictus I have searched the posts and found your question on the thread about pensions.

( It was HERE )

You are wrong to say there were no answers to your post. There were two, but you did not return to the thread to read them and post again. Remember that you asked if anyone knew anything more. We are not a panel of experts, we are just ordinary people. If anyone had been able to answer any better, they would have done.

Do you mean a works pension, not a private one? Did you go for a works pension and opt out? That would affect your pension under the new proposals. I searched on Google for you, and found this:-

“Reading the Single-Tier State Pension Fact sheet it sounds to me as though you may get less if you have been in a contracted-out scheme.

It says "If you have previously been contracted out of the additional State Pension, a deduction will be applied when we calculate your foundation amount. This reflects the fact that, whilst you were contracted out, you paid lower National Insurance contributions and your employer received a National Insurance rebate to fund your workplace pension. Therefore, you could have 35 qualifying years and not receive £144 per week.

The deduction is broadly equivalent in value to the workplace pension the rebate funded. This is consistent with the rules of the existing pension system. "

And Janeainsworth said “This has all just been discussed on Money Box Live
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b03lpjxy

It did say that if you had contracted out of the second state pension, you wouldn't get the full single-tier pension, but there was no reference to people with private pensions being penalised. “

If you click on Jane's link, you can hear what they said.

Why is it selfish invictus?

I can only say that I am really sorry to have upset and angered you, Invictus. I can totally understand why you feel as you do. In my own defence, though, I want to add that my issues are far from 'imaginary' as you say.... I just needed to share my feelings, feel less alone and not feel judged, that is all. Maybe in hindsight it was a mistake and rather selfish of me to post in that way and I will think twice about doing so in future as the last thing I want is to drag anyone down.

I did read your post, and wanted to return to it when I could give it the attention as it deserves, rather than skimming through it and giving a brief reply.

Apologies to all.

IF you read my thread properly Harrigran I don't really see HOW you can say WE put ourselves in the situation we found ourselves because we were NOT in Spain once the initial deposit for the property was made and we left the lawyer to complete matters which is what he was paid to do and charged a high bill for. We did find out some months later that Lawyers in Spain do NOT carry-out searches on properties, local land or buildings or constructions as they do in the UK, BUT that was after we were able to do anything about it and all with hindsight.
Elegran, the problem I posted is on THIS page.
Rowantree, to you I apologise because I don't and didn't mean to minimalise what you go through. I know also what it is like to have visits from those 'demons' on a regular basis and have actually spent time as an in-patient in a hospital in the UK for 10 weeks about 11 years ago when I was suffering from extreme depression and am still on meds daily so ALL these problems are pushing me in a downward spiral.
At the moment I am having episodes where I continually feel lonely and alone, think of death and dying, what it will be like if I am left alone without my wife, what it will be like for her if I die first, how will she cope, all these things are going through my mind at certain times of the day and night and if when I wake-up these are the things I start to think of.

Sorry, Invictus I did not see your post on this thread - it must have slipped down the list. I knew I had seen your name somewhere, so I searched and the one on another thread came up. The one on this thread did not.

You are now posting about your feelings and you wil get replies in sympathy for them. That is what the replies to other people were doing - trying to make them feel better about the way they felt depressed and negative about everything. I think you know how they feel, and what it is like.

Your first post on here (and on the other thread) were on practical questions. People did try to answer the one on the other thread, but it is rather specialised.

So is your practical problem on here. I think you need a legal opinion on whether you can get compensation for this mis-selling. Good luck.

Rowantree it was not selfish of you to post about your feelings; you needed comfort and help and affection and that is what GNetters are good at providing - we are here for one another. Please carry on posting. You know you are not alone.

Invictus I can read your despair and anger at what is happening to you; it must be dreadful. We will listen, if you let us.

Thanks Ariadne and all. I'm sorry that what I put came over as 'an attack' on Rowantree, it really wasn't meant to but I'm afraid that after 9 years of living with this problem day-in-day-out and having had our retirement ruined by the greed of a few people, seeing our hard-earned savings dwindle to nothing and finding now that we have 'inherited' health problems almost certainly as a result of the constant stress it's almost impossible NOT to think about no matter how HARD you try. Of course you DON'T WANT to have it on your mind constantly but like others with similar problems it's 'the unknown', the 'not knowing' and the fact that the Spanish Govt. troll-out lie after lie to the press that they are and have taken action to 'resolve problems for people who have been taken advantage of by these Spanish Thieves, simply in-order to persuade yet MORE poor unfortunates to invest in Illegal Spanish Property which the authorities themselves lie about when they say they are a 'safe investment'.

invictur; please don't call people on gransnet selfish. They are far from it. This isn't a thread to be angry on, it's one to empathise with people.I do sympathise with your problems but I think your tone is very hurtful.

Invictus I sympathise. What a terrible situation to be in. I can tell you're very angry.
GN is like any community. There are kind people, selfish people, gentle people and harsh people. Some are well off, others struggling to make ends meet. And so on. We are all very different and that is our strength and occasionally cause for dissent.
What I do know is that the majority respond to a cry for help and support, so as Ariadne said, if you tell us more about what is hurting we will try to help and if we can't help we will listen.