Are you a good mother?

I was a fantastic mother! Well on some days I was but on others I was bloody awful! Most of the time I guess I was OK! My 2 DDS are bright, sociable young women, have a level of education and skills that enable them to work and have a positive outlook on life. They take an interest in community and political events and parent their children as well as I did

They trust me with their children and are happy to spend time with me so, touch wood, I have done OK so far.

I had my first son when I was 20 and my second just two years later.

I did things by the book, but 'the book' back then was very different from the one they use now, so from a modern viewpoint it is easy to wish that I had done things differently.

For instance, once I had tried everything I could to comfort my eldest son (who spent almost every waking moment crying for at least the first 12 months), I would put him in his cot and leave him to it. Nowadays, that would probably lead to accusations of neglect, whereas back then it seemed appropriate and even 'normal' with such a difficult baby.

Also, as my boys got older, I was too quick to smack them for being naughty, something which I now think was, for the most part, pointless and unproductive.

Looking back , I definitely wish that I had dealt with those things differently.

However, both boys have grown up into loving, confident, responsible young men. and they have very fond memories of their childhood so I must have done something right.

One thing is for sure, I very different as a grandmother from how I was as a mother - but they are two different roles, aren't they!

Sure are, Mama .

I'm not at all convinced by the "all you need is love" approach when I think about a friend who has never doubted her mother's love for her but who grew up without much in the way of practical care – such as regular meals, or, indeed, any sort of meals some weeks, – whose education was constantly interrupted and who spent quite a lot of time caring for her mother during bad trips and emotional breakdowns. Truly not a good mother by anyone's reckoning but she did love her daughter.

Btw We are still mothers – after all, it doesn't stop once they leave "home". Are we any good at it now?

I was good at Breastfeeding too absent and pretty good when they were little. As time went on I made a few or maybe a lot of mistakes. Be difficult not to I think. But we never know we are making them at the time. Biggest mistake of all was not picking better when selecting the other parent!
Now? How do we know what being a good mother to a grown up man (on the other side of the planet) looks like?

I've already said, I think I'm a good one now. [halo]

Jing, maybe we're most of us better mums than we were when we were younger women. We don't have as many responsibilities in the mum department either thankfully

It is a transition some don't make as well as others..from parenting children to being a parent of an adult.

My aunt could not do that..she still tries to run her sons lives (and mine and my brothers) and that just makes it harder to visit! I know she is going to lecture me about something, complain that my brothers /cousins have not been to see her enough etc etc and then tell me in detail of how poorly she has been and drag u issues that have been done and dusted for years! Both her sons live overseas with their families. I do not think that is accidental! I accept that as they are bi-lingual overseas jobs/lifestyle were easier for them to be drawn to but think if their Mum's attitude had been different they would have been back more often or arranged for her to live nearer to them!

She is not in top health but she is well enough to live in her own home and not need care. Understandably she gets lonely and I try to go to see her once a fortnight and my cousin does the week I don't go and then we take her out for a meal every so often. She can be great fun and has a GSOH & I love her very much BUT she does not make it easy...
I feel guilty not going more but as my parents (her brother & SiL) died a long while back I filled that gap with my DDs, friends and now my DGC.

I tried my best as a mum, and have a really good relationship with all my children , despite not having a clue what to do with my first baby at 19 ! When DS2 and his GF decided to decamp to Camden and live ( squat ) with DS1 he was having a right old moan at me, saying DS2 was like having an exotic pet, and why wasn't I seriously worried about him - we had a bit of barney, which ended in me saying ' Sorry Im such a crap mother' and hanging up... I had a text from him which I still have 10 years later

' your not crap you're just different and we love you for it '

I think i will have that on my tombstone....

What can I say? My two are still speaking to me, they are both in stable relationships and they both have jobs. How much of this is down to me is any one's guess. My daughter has handed both her children over to me and they all automatically descend on me at Christmas so I presume they think I'm all right

absent perhaps that should be all you need is love andcare. As for me I have no idea how you do one without the other. Otherwise, it's "in her own way, he/she loved me". Which I've always thought is just another way of saying he/she was actually a crap parent.

And we don't have to live with them day in, day out I am64. Thank the Lord.

I can't take the credit but I am content that my 3 DDs are beautiful (well I would say that) successful women who have achieved a degree of success in their careers and private lives. They have shown great taste in choosing (or being chosen by) 3 lovely men and I know that they will be cared for and cherished long after I am gone. Was I a good mother? Maybe sometimes, often I could have been better but I did my best at the time and we are all human. All I can say is they love us, they love each other and they love the 2 darling little DGSs DD1 has blessed us with. She is a wonderful mother - patient, energetic, stimulating and practical, but I don't think we necessarily become who we are because of our parents - it may also be despite!

I was very happy once though to hear her tell DGS1 that something was so because "her Mummy ( Granny) had told her so and Mummies always know best" I also feel a warm glow when she scrounges a babysit or a sleepover and says that I am the one person she would trust her precious little boys to. (Flattery gets you anywhere!)

We do what we can for our children but the main thing in my opinion is to prepare them for independence in the world, to let them fly without "strings" and rejoice when they choose to fly back.

One thing I was determined not to do: make my children in any way feel guilty if they did something to upset me My mother, if we had somehow offended (usually by quarrelling with each other) would say, 'What have I done to deserve this?' And I never said that to either of my sons, no matter what the provocation.

Anno, my feeling is we learn lots about life, and parenting, from our parents. One thing that neither I, nor my sisters, ever say to our children is 'go upstairs and put your happy head on". Mum struggled with arguments and anger, because in her family, there were rather too many. So, she was focussed on conflict avoidance wherever possible. That can be a Good Thing, but mum took it to extremes at times. We all need the freedom to express negative feelings, or to be cross at times.

Yes, I'm a good mother. Next question.

Seriously though, how could one not be if one starts from good principles, as I'm sure most, if not all, of us do/did? That doesn't mean one won't make mistakes, or do things which, with hindsight, one might have done differently. We're human and imperfect. I'm happy with that.

And so, apparently, are my kids.

I held back from being so forthright but then I thought, Hell! I am a good mother. I'm proud of the way I brought/am bringing my daughters up. Why shouldn't I say so straightforwardly?

Do we think there is a certain amount of luck in how things work out? We are not the only factor in how they turn out, are we, no matter how good we are as mothers?

Thank goodness for luck!

Iam64, 'conflict avoidance' is what my mother was all about. When the three of us had a shouting match she would run round and close all the windows. What would the neighbours say? It was only when I went to university that I discovered that other people had families who shouted at each other. What a relief that was.

Well, I was a loving and very involved mother but I had a tendency to lose it and shout, if I'm honest. And when I think of some of the things I let my kids do my hair stands on end now.
Maybe a good enough mother, as they turned out fine. I'd never claim not to have made mistakes.

Yes, luck helps, and their having a good father/the mother having a decent partner, and agreeing on the most fundamental principles, e.g. honesty, kindness. Luck helps with everything probably.

My daughters say I was a good mother so that,s some proof I guess. My youngest says it all the time now she,s an adult and has always been very close to me, I have a good relationship with my older daughter too but she is not so demonstratively affectionate. I think I,m a great grandmother to my lovely 4 year old twin granddaughters and they are always telling me they love me which makes me cry with happiness. My own mother was not nice and I have always tried to be very different to her I hope I have succeeded. My children/grandchildren mean more to me than anyone.