Joke corner

Brilliant, elegrans.....the faux pas!

I love Bob Monkhouse's joke: 'They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.'

An Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the elderly man replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

What do you call a flea in the moon?

A Luna tic :-)

We ought to give these jokes marks out of five. I would give ann58 a 4 and Nankate a half.

I haven't worked out merlot's yet. It could well be a 5. #letyouknow

I don't read the long ones.

Have you heard about the prize winning farmer?
He was outstanding in his field.

Well, has made this grumpy old bat ?!

Oh I get it!

5!

I said to my husband "let's run upstairs and make passionate love"
He replied "I can't manage both"

A married couple are enjoying a glass of wine each, when out of the blue the wife says, "Oh I love you".
Husband asks, "is that you talking or is it the wine?"
Wife replies, "It's me. Talking to the wine."

I changed my password to "incorrect," so whenever I forget it and type in something else the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Merlot's too good for me, still don't get it and tried saying it out loud

Have another sandwich, Mrs Finkelstein.
Oh, I shouldn't, I've had three already.
You've had four, but who's counting?

Love it, chicken!

ajanela 'weak heart' - try transferring the final sound of weak to the beginning of heart.

There are four cows in a field. Which one is on her holidays? The one with a wee calf.

Two old ladies, long-time friends, having lunch, 'My dear' says the first, 'I'm terribly sorry, I know we've been friends for decades but I've completely forgotten your name, could you remind me?' The second sits for a while, then replies 'How soon do you need to know?'

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.....

An Englishman, Frenchman, Italian and a German were strolling through a meadow one day and a butterfly goes fast.

The Englishman says Ah what an appropriate name for such a beautiful creature, flutter by, flutter by.

The Frenchman says Oh not Pappillon is much better

The Italian, waving his hands madly, say Fafalla is a wonderful name.

The German says And what is wrong with Schmetterlink?

Always gets a laugh whatever language you tell it in.

My favorite "short" joke and the only permissible Irish joke in my house is: -

A rather well educated Irishman really needs a job. He goes to a builder and asks for one. The builder is appalled, and says "I can't possibly employ you, you don't even know the the difference between a joist and a girder"! "Of course I do", retorts the Irishman, "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"!

A young chap gets a job at a zoo. The first day he was told to feed and look after the fish. Next morning all the fish were dead floating on top of the pool. "This is terrible" said the zoo keeper, and threw the fish to the lions. Next day the zoo keeper put him in charge of the monkeys. Next morning, same thing, all the monkeys were dead. "This is terrible" said the zookeeper and threw the monkeys to the lions. "One last chance" said the zookeeper. The next day the chap was put in charge of the bees where the zookeeper thought nothing much could go wrong. Next morning all the bees were dead. "That's it" said the zookeeper, "you're sacked" and he threw the bees to the lions. Meanwhile a new lion arrived at the zoo. "What's it like here" he said to the other lions. "It's OK" said the chief lion. "What's the food like?" said the new lion. "Usually it's fine" said the lion " but the last few days all we have had is fins, chimps and mushy bees"

Did you hear about the man walking down the road stealing garden gates? No-one said anything to him in case he took offence! (Say it out loud)

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!