Bereavement Cards

I'm not sure, but I don't think a card was needed here - but I would always write a letter rather than send a card anyway.

No, you didn't get it wrong really, but it has clearly upset her. I wonder why? Is she touchy? Or maybe she has some residual guilt about their relationship and is using this to vent her feelings.

It's not pleasant when someone appears to have been holding a grudge for some time and then tells you.

You did what you thought was right at the time. I'd be very wary of this person in future.

I'm astonished that people tot up cards in bereavement terms. And store up resentment. Why not look mildly astonished ? And remain mildly astonished if she brings it up. I tend to write letters as I find the cards OTT when you barely know someone but know the bereaved quite well.

Dear dear - she does sound a bit touchy. Maybe she feels guilty about her poor relationship with her MIL and is projecting it onto you. I cannot see that you did anything wrong.

The choice was yours not hers and you made a perfectly reasonable one. Do you need this person as a friend?

I usually send one and am pleased when people send them to me but I don't feel that it really matters. I certainly wouldn't take someone to task over it. To be honest whenever we have suffered a loss, I wouldn't remember who had sent one and who hadn't.

To my mind there are two scenarios to consider.

One , she is not a particularly as close a 'dear friend' as you think.

Two, is she suffering bereavement and was hoping to extract a hearty conversation with somebody she values as a 'dear friend'? Did she mean something other than coming over as being cross with you, it could be she is sitting at home beating herself up over how she spoke to you!

Just because her MIL was aged, died 18 months ago and she had a tenuous relationship she could still be suffering from bereavement, guilt issues. Maybe you could try to contact her saying how hurt you were over this matter but as you respect your friendship you are wondering if she is OK or needs a chat. If she blows your head off again then I would say you need to reassess the strength of your friendship.

Good luck, I fully understand where you are coming from but taking things at face value can sometime cause us to be hurt for little to no good reason. I would certainly find out rather than let things fester though,.

Some people are much more card-orientated. My mother believed a hand written note was the only "correct" thing to do, I compromise with a "Thinking of you" card with a flower on the front, but from the Saturdays when I worked in a stationery shop I know how many people (often the elderly) take time to choose the "right" words or verse. Hard to make everybody happy, you were right to do what was right for you.

Sorry, but what ever her reasons we're I find it rude to confront you like this. I'd rather a friend was there for me at the time and not just send a card. As you say, you expressed your condolences face to face, rather than avoid her as we know does happen.
IMHO you have nothing to feel bad about.

I agree, it's the amount of support you get, and not where it comes from, that matters. I would think cards would usually come from people I didn't know as well as a good friend like you.

My sister was like this for a while after her OH died, I just had to sit it out, it's part of the anger phase of the grieving process, I think. She started listing all the people she thought had deliberately crossed to the other side of the road or popped into shops rather than greet her. Maybe a couple of them did, but I suspect the others simply hadn't seen her.

I always send a notelet with a message to the close family but I don't think I would send anything to a friend on the death of an Inlaw.If she was a close friend I would ring or call and express sympathy but that is all.I do think you should bring it up with her and find out what other grudges she has been harbouring.

I have got to the point now, where I send a card.
You sort of cant go wrong with sending one, but can go wrong by not sending one.

Having said that, it is always up to the individual whether they choose to send one.
And I can see why you didnt.

But there again, she is your best friend.

But there again, I am surprised that she is brooding about this.
Maybe, she wouldnt have said anything, but happened to have a bad day?

Hope this helps!

Sounds like a guilty conscience on her part. I had a "tenuous" relationship with my ex mother in law but after she died I kept remembering happier times and wishing I'd been more patient. I think the "card" issue is just a peg to hang that on. She shouldn't be taking it out on you.

When my very dear friend rang to say her son had died, I expressed my sympathy and asked if she was ready for a visit. She said she would welcome one and I went the same day. She cetainly would not have expected a card as well. In the same circumstances neither would I.
I really don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for nor let it interfere with your relationship with your friend.

If I'd seen someone face to face and expressed condolences, I would see no need to send a card or letter, though I would always prefer to send a personal letter anyway.

I don't think it would even have crossed my mind to send a card to someone in those circumstances.
To me personally, the spoken word and personal contact/support is much more valuable.
I would have been more likely to take them some flowers or a plant than a card.

Sorry to have gone AWOL. Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it. Quite reassuring to have an anonymous sounding board.

I called in to see my friend earlier and we have sorted it out. She has no recollection of my visit after her MIL died, fortunately her DH could remember , he was a little bemused by the fuss! We will remain friends we go back too far to end a friendship that has endured for this long.
In the future I shall take the advice that soontobe gave, just send a card whatever the circumstances. Thanks again.

That's great the friendship has been saved.

I write a letter, rather than send a card - just my preference. That way, I can choose the words I use and make them personal.

But I don't think I would do either for someone's in-law, unless there were special circumstances (for instance if the bereaved person was their carer).

My DD1 asks me for Bereavement cards , her generation have the misfortune to be losing ancient relatives at quite a rate . I do an embossed card with a flower glued on and blank inside as she prefers to write a message in her own words . Here we have prayers cards also called mass cards with "Holy" pictures on , very nice for religious people . I the OP case I doubt I would use either

I agree with ann and elena, I wouldn't send a card if an in-law had died - if you were to have sent a card juliette it should have been to your friend's DH.
Not suggesting that you should have done, only that the DH would have been the appropriate recipient.
Glad you have made it up with your friend, anyway.

I would have thought that saying it face to face was much better-sending a card is generally done by people who you won't see, or prefer a card because they don't know what to say. I wouldn't worry-it isn't as if you ignored them and didn't contact.

I send a card with a flower or a peaceful landscape scene on it, but blank inside so that I can write my own message, and I don't ever choose cards with verses, even for birthday cards, as I don't usually like the verses. However, when my parents died, I got cards of all sorts from friends and work colleagues, and was very touched by them all, including the ones I would never have chosen to send myself, just because someone had thought kindly of me and the person who had died. On the other hand, I can't remember thinking of anyone who "should" have sent one but didn't, and I wouldn't have expected any from people who had spoken to me face to face.

So glad you've sorted it out with your DF, Juliette.

Thanks for answering a question I had, aggie. I was just wondering the other day, while looking at the Deaths in the Herald, what mass cards were!

I never send cards with verses for anything. They have to be very simple or blank.