Paying for a wedding

We gave DS and DDiL a fixed amount and her parents gave the same. The rest was paid by DS and DDiL and they organised and chose everything for their very laid back and idiosyncratic wedding. It was a lovely happy day and very "them".

DD has been with her partner even longer but they have not married and are unlikely to do so. We gave them a lump sum to get them on the housing ladder instead of a wedding. That was their choice.They are a much more reserved and pragmatic pair and are very happy and well suited.

DH and I had our Golden Wedding in July but we have both said that if we were young today we would not bother with a wedding. I didn't enjoy my wedding day at all and couldn't wait to get away from all the fuss to be alone together! I hated being the centre of attention!

Well said, roses. 'A happy day for all' is what it should be. The trouble is when the bride is not happy unless she has spent a fortune on the day. granjura - that's a good question. Some couples seem to spend large sums of money on a wedding that could be better put towards the deposit on a flat or a house - but, there, I'm probably not the romantic type!

Probably most of us agree on this. However, what do parents do, when their 'children' ask for help for a wedding- but then go all 'fashion magazine over the top keeping up with the stars'???

In other words, each wedding is completely different. prefer the low cost ones really, it's just meant to be a happy day for all, not for the bride to act like a princess.

I can't abide these expensive weddings, such a waste of money and so many seem to end in divorce anyway. Two weeks ago DH and I went to a very low cost affair - something like the one described earlier on this thread. The church was decorated with flowers and cuttings from the garden, the bride's siblings provided the music and the transport, the reception was at a campsite and guest were asked to 'donate a dish' (I've since heard that 'donate a dish' is very popular these days). It was a delightful wedding, fortunately with excellent weather. I'm not too sure about the donating a dish part (seems a bit cheeky) but it obviously kept the cost down. When my DD was married, she and the groom wanted to organise it, so we gave her the sum we were prepared to contribute and they added to it themselves. They were both in professional jobs and earning good salaries.

When DS got married, DiL's parents, especially her mum, were bending over backwards to pay for everything - she's their only daughter - and kept thinking of little extras! I wasn't allowed to put my hand in my pocket and as far as I know, my ex didn't offer. As for the happy couple, they were back at work after the weekend! I think their trip to Thailand the previous year was a honeymoon before the event!

When we got married in 1977, ninathenana, my in-laws bought the church flowers, sharing the cost with the parents of a bride who got married the day before us, and my parents paid for the reception (40 people at £2.50 a head - I came across the receipt the other day!). We paid for the rest. I hired my dress and veil to save money, the vicar refused to let us have the church bells as it would have been "a waste of money", and we had just enough left to pay for a coach trip to a Llandudno B & B for our honeymoon. Happy days - I need a misty-eye emoticon!

When DD1 got married they wanted a big castle do, but were totally prepared to pay for it themselves, and were in a position to do so. We wanted to contribute and so did SIL's parents, so we agreed that we would each pay a third, which was manageable. When DD2 married, she wanted a much more low key affair, but we gave her the same amount with a little allowance for inflation (it existed then!). I'm sure the in-laws contributed too, but it wasn't discussed. When DS hit 30 with no immediate plans to marry, we gave him and his partner their "wedding fund" to do with as they wanted. I think it's destined for work on their house, which is fine by us.

My advice would be to set a figure that you're comfortable with, and that you can afford to give to the other DC further down the line. I've read that the average wedding these days cost about £24,000, but to my mind no couple should consider spending more than they can afford themselves. Contributions from parents shouldn't be expected as a given. The wedding that HildaW describes sounds delightful.

Forty yrs ago my in-laws bought us a dining table and chairs, that was it ! We paid for 98% of DD's wedding as her and H2B had no money. His parents contributed nothing.
I would offer what ever cash I could afford. I agree with roses don't offer to pay for specific items.

We have given them each the same (or equivalent) amount of money and then let them decide how much more they wanted to add. Some of them had more lavish 'dos' than others but it was up to them how they spent it. I think we bought the cake for all of our DDs but the MoTB was in charge at DS2's wedding so we let her choose (and pay for) that as well! DS1 got married in Japan and the bride's father would have been offended had we offered so they used our contribution for a good honeymoon.

IF you want to contribute, work out a sum of money that you are happy to give and then just let them know how much is available.
Gone are the days when there were hard and fast rules and the parents paid up. Even when I married first time around nearly 40 years ago I quite expected to pay for most of it and was just very grateful well parents offered up an amount of money.

Young people today all live such varying lives....some live together for years, some have quickie weddings whilst some still seem to expect that dreaded 'Perfect Day'. Help out if you want to but let it be an amount that you are happy to give and then let them work within a budget they can afford.
I've just been perusing the wedding photos of a good friend's daughter. Small village church followed by Village hall decorated with hedgerow flowers and home-made bunting. DIY cold buffet that featured supermarket bought salmon poached and served whole with salads. Wedding cake decorated with DIY flowers and the loan of a lovely old classic car for the bride. It was the sweetest looking wedding I've seen for a long time and they were on the tightest of budgets.

I think it depends on your finances and the finances of the other parents.
The bride's Father may well want to host the whole thing. If not ( although I do know several who did just that) then don't worry about the amount others will give, decide on what's a sensible amount for YOU.Take into account the age and finances of your son and girlfriend, they may earn lots between them . Don't feel co-erced into giving more than you are comfortable with.A wedding can cost as little or as much as you want it to.just to say, a friend of ours offered their son to pay for the flowers for the church and reception, and the photography involved. Big mistake! They went for the most expensive florist and photographer in the area and the whole thing upset our friend, both the amount of money and the fact that they did this.So, offer an amount of cash!Good luck.

Not an easy one this. I am sorry to say that the expectations of brides... and at times, grooms too- have become totally out of hand recently, and the cost astronomical. Does anyone have up-to-date figures on the average price of a wedding these days!?