Thoughtful Posting

Unkind remarks to someone who posts clearly in distress is not acceptable in my book.

Threads that are sabotaged by provocative posts that get us nowhere are simply a pain, but part of the cut and thrust - it is a shame that a thread goes pear-shaped and that those who wish to continue the debate in a reasonable way have to give up, but it is not in the same league as deliberately trying to cause pain to someone already in distress.

I think that HQ should be on top of that and make sure it does not happen, or it is deleted - very hard for them, I acknowledge, with so many threads. But it should be a basic rule - do no harm.

I too have had pms from those who have been kicked in the teeth when they were clearly in distress.

Just to make it clear, t'was not I who ask for it to be deleted.

I'm not such a wimp....and besides I know jingl loves me really

I posted on the missing thread it honestly as was the expectation I hope.

I can't stand all this excitement on GN. I need to go and lie down in a darkened room

I am super-bored by by the phrase "robust discussion". It's just code for what often occurs on GN (for more information, refer to OP).

I'm one of those that no longer get involved in "robust discussions"- you'll find me on Arts and Crafts, Home and Garden, Food etc. etc.

I don't even know why I've posted on here!

Oh that's a shame. It was a bit of fun. Sigh!

Better check my email. See if I've had my knuckles wrapped.

No. I know it wasn't you reported it Anya.

Actually it might not have been reported. I did put it on Site Stuff. Asking for it really.

Was it really Jingl?

Or were you 'stirring the pot'?

Bit of fun....

Oh well, each to their own I suppose

I think that jings proves my point about getting used to the site before complaining. Most of us know that we have to take jings with a pinch of salt. Surely, everyone knows someone in real life who is like her (kind and lovely!!) and manages to 'cope' with them without causing a major incident.

No offence intended jings.

I think you have to trust someone if you PM them. After all, it's supposed to be private and can always be ignored if its not liked. I personally think its good to get to know some people better through PM ing.

jings' thread was making an important point though: it's not very nice to allude obliquely to posts or posters whose style one doesn't like. jings has mentioned before (yes, we've been here before a few times; same kind of complaints, same kind of responses) that it makes people feel a bit paranoid. It would be much better to 'tackle' what one has trouble with on a thread (which, to be fair, the OP of this one has done) or just to walk away and talk on other threads about other things.

I suppose starting threads like this has a feel of bearing grudges about it even when that is not the intention. I knew jings' "list 'em here" thread would be deleted but I got where she was coming from with it.

One can violently disagree with someone one one thread and yet find one has a lot in common with them in another. Resentments should not be taken across thread boundaries.

Imperfect27, I'm not sure why you think you may have offended me, but it must have passed me by! You haven't been rude in any way that I can see

What is all this about a missing thread that I've missed though?

I do hate to see crass insensitive posts in reply to OP's that have a problem,even if it sounds a trivial one, I try and answer it with advice as to what I would do, but in a gentle way, not knowing how upset the poster actually is.
Other, more general subjects like politics, can be answered in a different way.
In the main, I think Gransnet is fine as it is, certainly it's the politest one I have seen ( had a quick look at Mumsnet.... Shudder!)
sometimes threads like this ( we have had one or two before) while maybe started with good intentions, end up badly.

The conclusion I have come to is that none of us (well, very few) is perfect
We can keep trying

Maggiemaybe too late, it has gone, you missed it

Thanks thatbags - I didn't see jings other thread, but the point you make about not bearing grudges / carrying 'differences' over between threads is in itself a really good one and you have embodied that.

There isn't a 'grudge' here however, but I do think there is a problem if so many potential GNetters are being put off. I am simply going by what I have encountered for myself and what I have been told which is people find some replies too strong and abrasive. Unfortunately this can cut across several threads so it isn't a case of people harbouring grievances or holding onto 'differences' between threads so much as deciding they will keep themselves out of harms way.

This thread contains all the elements that people find problematical.

Maggiemaybe , glad to know that - it may have been overlapping posts that caused the concern!

So why carry on reading a thread that one finds "problematic"? I expect people will find that question too blunt, but it is, quite simply, what I think.

It's also what I do, so I'm not suggesting anything that I don't do myself. Everyone has problems with something. Gransnet is big enough and broad enough, surely, to fit everyone. Just find your level and go with it: if you don't like arguing, don't argue; if you don't like what you read when other people are having a robust discussion, stop reading that bit. Seems simple enough to me.

There are quite a lot of political threads, for instance, where I feel out of my depth, so although I might dip into them, and even sometimes compose posts, if I'm not comfortable with what I've posted or if I feel what I've said will be misinterpreted (my fault for lack of clarity as likely as not), I delete my 'composition' and wander off elsewhere. Likewise of I feel I can't cope adequately with what seems to me like a sharp retort from a poster. I just quit.

Seems to me these options are the same for everyone and it is worth considering that those posters who may always appear strong or opinionated or well-informed or forthright, are only showing that side deliberately precisely because this is a public forum.

But GN is what it is, and you don't have to join if you don't like it. I do think it is rather rude to keep complaining about things going on in the same way they always have - either join in as things are or don't.

Why would anyone join a forum when they object to the way things are? Why not try to find one that is a better fit?

x posts, kitty, with you saying the same thing as me only much more succuinctly ?

cross out that second u

imperfect re 'strong and abrasive' - sometimes a poster comes on and asks AUBI ('cos that's the forum she's posted under) and proceeds to outline a tale to which the only reasonable answer is 'well yes, you are'.

Granted, there are ways to point this out to her, but often there is such an outpouring of comfort and solicitude which only adds to the OP's sense of being wrongly done by. So when someone perhaps puts the opposite point of view then!!!!!

There is a huge difference between threads where someone is feeling aggrieved and those where someone is in real need of comfort. In the latter I have never read a post which could be described as anything but kind and caring.

Just don't get me started on the political threads though

I have long since given up thinking that threads or sites can be policed, other than by the owners of a site.

"There is a huge difference between threads where someone is feeling aggrieved and those where someone is in real need of comfort. In the latter I have never read a post which could be described as anything but kind and caring. "

Unfortunately I have - there have been times when someone is clearly distressed and needing a bit of care, and there have been flippant or even cruel answers. I find this disturbing and unacceptable. We do not know the detailed circumstances of the person posting, how much on-the-spot support they have etc. and we need to err on the cautious caring side. A flippant remark can be the last straw for someone feeling really down.

The sabotaging of useful discussion by flippancy is irksome but not dangerous and we have the option to abandon that thread.

Unkindness when someone is in distress is not irksome; it could be dangerous.

Like many I abandon threads that seem to be heading down the pan.

I've been around for about 6 months now and have a good idea of who the posters are who are likely to make others bridle. I do wince at some of their posts because I think when someone has decided to share their feelings on here, a bit of thought about your reply if you don't agree wouldn't go amiss.

Dismissing someone's feelings is not a nice thing to do full stop, especially if they haven't been able to share them before. Sometimes a poster will say it's their first post and quite honestly there's times when I don't blame them for not posting again. Often other posters say they think the thread was a wind up because the OP hasn't posted again and I bite my tongue from saying I doubt if that's the reason.

As always it's not about what you say, but how you say it.

Oh and comparing forums is pointless.