Time to toughen up?

How can you want to stay friends with someone who is obviously stupid? No one with any intelligence would do that to anyone else. Text her back. Tell her what you think of her. Then let it (and her) go.

Somewhere I read that you have three types of friend: -
1. For a reason,
2. For a season,
and finally
3. For life.

It seems that your so-called friend was befriending you "for a reason". Now either drop her or let her understand how hurt you were, as well as put out by everything she did.
My blood boils and my heart goes out to you [to mix metaphors].
Good luck - and I hope that you get a thicker skin! [I'm a fine one to talk, mine is as thin as cigarette !paper]

I found this on Facebook, and it is just so true!

UPDATE. Got home after a lovely lunch with another friend to find several messages from the friend from yesterday demanding I ring her right away. It seems her problem hasn't been sorted after all and she wanted me to meet her in the same place as yesterday. When I pointed out that she had left me hanging around she said that it was because she thought the problem was sorted and that she had to go shopping for a new dress as she is going out at the weekend and anyway she knew I wouldn't mind!! Told her I was busy and couldn't meet her and she then asked what I could possibly be busy with!!! At this point I'm afraid I lost it a bit and told her I was catching up with everything I couldn't do yesterday because of her. It ended with her shouting at me that I was a bad friend, I was being unreasonable and her slamming the phone down. I am now going between two emotions, first feeling guilty about letting her down and being angry that she is trying to make the fallout all my fault. Reading the replies from you all has strengthened my resolve - I will not ring her. If she makes contact again it will definitely be on my terms. I really see her now for the taker she is. Thanks for all your kind words.

She is obviously a 'user'. You mustn't allow yourself to be used and your response to her was exactly the right one. Good for you. What a nerve, calling you 'a bad friend' - wonder what her definition of friendship is!

"anyway she knew I wouldn't mind!!"

See NonnaAnnie's post above.

And dont feel guilty

Heavens, sunseeker, you can do without 'friends' like that! Please don't let yourself feel bad about it - you probably did her a favour by making her realise she can't treat friends like that, that is if she wants to keep them.

Sunseeker, you should be feeling relieved that she, out of your life. You need friends like that like you need a hole in the head! I'd rather be a bit lonely than still have people like that in my life.

Remember: If you make yourself a doormat, people will walk on you!

For those people who instinctively listen and say yes, here is a strategy I used to use when I was a supply teacher and a school would phone to ask me to work on a particular date. I used to say yes quite automatically if there was nothing on my calendar for that day but some schools were very tough to work in and I wasn't that desperate! I simply developed a habit of saying, hang on, let me fetch my diary. This gave me breathing space to formulate acceptance or not. I wasn't lying when I then said, I'm sorry, I'm busy that day (nothing more than that was needed).

So, for the friends you think might want to 'take a lend' as we say in the north east, you can have a few instant, delaying tactics at the ready before they even embark on their sob story. Have a sticker on your phone or a note beside it that simply says hang on a minute! Say that and walk away from the phone and count to 30 to give yourself time to strengthen your resolve (you can invent a reason if you like, kettle, cake in the oven, pot boiling over, someone at the door) then you can come back ready to listen. You can then use the calendar/diary delaying tactic if there's a date they need you. You can be busy that day, the same afternoon etc. if necessary. If you don't mind a white lie, you can have a fictitious appointment but saying no without explanation should be enough. It would be a very rude friend who asked what you'd be doing so they could decide which was more important, your dental appointment or their problem! Also, it puts the other person on the back foot if you disappear for 30 seconds before they get going and again to fetch your diary. I don't keep a diary but I could start at any time ?

A phone with caller ID is also a help so you can see if it's family, real, trusted friend or potential user! You can then decide whether or not to answer. If the problem is urgent they'll leave a message. Sounds harsh? I don't think so. There's nothing wrong with being assertive. A bit of practice and you'll get better at saying no.

Some friend.She didn't let you know her problem was solved.She didn't even meet up with you but went shopping instead.She is no friend just drop her.Don't contact her.See how long it takes her to contact you.I understand how hurt and upset you must feel.Don't allow this woman to treat you like this again.You are worth more than that.When things like this has happened to me in the passed I have completely dropped them from my life.Enjoy your life with your real friends.Hugs.

I'm like you sunseeker DH and I are constantly helping friends and neighbours out. A neighbour had a stroke last year and as his wife doesn't drive, DH offered to take them to some hospital appointments (although they have a large family themselves). They accepted our offer and we took them several times. The wife was telling me a while later about the big party they were having for their 50th wedding anniversary. Gues who wasn't invited? Us. I also have a friend who was widowed a few years ago and is quite lonely. I go for a drink with her about once a month and DH picks her up, drops us off then takes her home afterwards. Why does it make me cross that she keeps calling me by the wrong name?

She is also the same person who said to me 'if my DH hadn't died, I wouldn't be going out with half the people I go out with now - no offence'. Some taken actually - why do I still go out with her? What's the matter with me?

I've just had this post pop up in my timeline that seems appropriate to share here "Ten great things that happen when you set boundaries" in the Huffington Post
www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/setting-boundaries-benefits_us_57043126e4b0b90ac27088bb

Some of these posts make me so cross. To think that so-called friends can take advantage of people's good nature like this. I think annodomini got just the right word for these horrors - they're users, and should be avoided at all costs. Talk about thinking they're entitled

Nothing at all wrong with you, KatyK. To coin a phrase, it's not you, it's them.

Well done Sunseeker for having a " go" at her. She's really shown her true colours now, hasn't she. Hopefully her slamming down the phone was the last you'll hear from her. Till the next time she wants to borrow your ear, but please, please be strong enough to be otherwise engaged. Always. You have other, much nicer, friends so just enjoy their company.

KatyK - she sounds awful too.

It ended with her shouting at me that I was a bad friend, I was being unreasonable and her slamming the phone down
[hmm who's the bad friend then? Not you sunseeker

She is also the same person who said to me 'if my DH hadn't died, I wouldn't be going out with half the people I go out with now - no offence'. Some taken actually - why do I still go out with her? What's the matter with me?
I was so incredulous when I read that that I laughed KatyK! It's not funny, it's just unbelievable.
Everyone puts their foot in it from time to time (me especially) but that is just awful.

I think it was another thread someone called some people 'drains' and others 'radiators' - some people drain you and some people radiate warmth.

Thank you Maggie My sister always says to me 'you're right and they're wrong' even when I'm wrong! Bless her. Jalima Yes it is unbelievable. She said this not long efter her DH had died so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was something she wouldn't have said normally. I hope I would never use anyone.

"Hell is (some) other people. It put me off having friends.

I agree with most of the comments here, Sunseeker. You do need to bring up the subject with her to tell her how hurt you were - then see what happens in the future.

I had a 'friend' who was a new neighbour. I worked from home and had 2 children at school. During the day I sewed jackets for a local company then the plan was to stop sewing at 4pm and devote my time to the children.

This worked until this new neighbor came on the scene. She & her husband didn’t work and decided that dropping into my house at 9am every day and staying until 4 or later was just the thing to ease their boredom! Like a ninny, I put down my sewing (and accommodated them) and consequently had to sew late into the night to make up my quota.

Eventually, I pretended I was out – hiding behind sofas etc! One day, I even opened the door in my coat to say I was just off out and actually had to get in my car and drive off towards our local shop!

But after a long time of this carry on, I decided enough was enough and when she called one morning I opened the door and said that I was really sorry but I had lots of work to do and I really couldn’t be doing with her & her husband coming every single morning of the week. She had tears in her eyes when she left. The next day she arrived again – this time with a pot plant to say sorry and although she never called again, if we met in the street we said hello.

So, confronting someone can sometimes have a positive outcome and doesn’t necessarily mean bad feeling will ensue.

Good luck!

Oh my goodness Sunseeker that makes me so angry and KatyK too. Why do we put up with it. I had a close friend for years a best friend you could say then her and her husband started going to a club run by the place he worked. They made new friends there who all liked a good drink and I saw her less and less. She didn't live far from me so if we met while out shopping she would say,"oh I forgot to phone you and it was my turn. I will phone next week." No phone call. It was always me phoning her. We decided to move house,house went up for sale,never heard from her, house sold,we moved and I never phoned her,she never phoned me. I know she knew all about our house move because she actually said to a mutual friend that I hadn't told her but she couldn't really blame me.
I feel a bit bad that I didn't say goodbye and quite sad really maybe I was being petty but enough was enough. The friendship at the end or lack of it was making me annoyed. It was always about her anyway and her family. Some friendships are not meant to last.

You can't change your basic personality and you are, and always will be, a caring person. If you ever refused to jump when asked you would possibly, wrongly, feel guilty. My advice would be to always be prepared to help, but on your terms. So when someone rings instead of dropping everything just say I can't come right now but could see you later / tomorrow. That way they will realise that you have a life of your own . also are you aware of which friends would be there for you if you needed them ? Good luck ....I wish you were my friend x

It's not just friends that take advantage, families are just as guilty on occasion.

sunseeker I'm glad you eventually got the opportunity to tell her the trouble you had gone to the day before. I would have been inclined, on receiving her original text, to send a text back straight away pointing out that I had disrupted my day to respond to her request.

Given that she has tried to turn the whole thing round to blame you for not being available again because it turns out she hasn't sorted out her "problem", I think I would give this person a bit of a wide berth in future.

It is nice that you are a good friend and a kind person and I suppose everyone is a little thoughtless at times. But when a so-called friend abuses your good heart to this extent, they really don't deserve your friendship.