Time to toughen up?

I have a lovely friend who has spent the afternoon with me so DH could have some time off. She came with an enormous cottage pie and a tin of home baked biscuits, she comes every week and brings a meal every time, a true friend.

sunseeker It is a sad thing when the realisation hits that those you thought were your 'friends' are not and are merely using you. It often takes a reaction from someone outside the situation to make you think about the dynamics which are going on. It can be life changing when you start saying 'no' or even 'not yet' and always for the better!
There are nicer people out there for you to be friends with.

TBH, a friend in need can be a pain in the neck but decency compels us to help them. Good friends would return the ,favour,. So I just put on a happy face and do my best.

I said "No" for the first time recently to a close family member who wanted me to drop everything to drive 200 miles to slave after her & kids. She was evidently amazed as I've always done it in the past. Now I'm an arthritic 72 year- old I just don't have the stamina I could once call on. What a relief not to have to wear myself out with housework & cooking. I still felt mean, though, as my mother was disabled and couldn't do it for me.

I wouldn't change if I were you. No need. Not enough nice people in the world. I agree with the fuming bit. I would be tempted to tell your friend though :-)

This woman is one of the world's blamers! It is never their fault, always someone else is to blame. They are people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions. Immature and self absorbed! You were perfectly correct in your response to her and not to blame in the least. She needed that feedback. Perhaps she will learn from it and not treat others that way, though I doubt it.

Ex SIL is a perfect example of this. Makes DD miserable with his constant 'it's your fault not mine' texts.

Recognise this woman for what she is.....and refuse to play her game. Remember the aeroplane safety analogy. Put on your own oxygen mask before you help others with theirs!

Some people live in their own little self important world and do not even realise they are selfish and would probably be amazed if you told them so.

I'm a doormat too

sunseeker I used to be treated like this but now put myself first and my plans and unless someone is phoning from a hospital bed, then an arrangement can be made for another day. I have had to toughen up, I was a walk over. One "friend" used to call on a Sunday for me to take him to work in the car and ever since he moved house, I've never seen him! Taker! My ED's friends would want a party at our house at the drop of a hat and I always gave in regardless of what I wanted to be doing.

No, not like that now. My DS doesn't get away with the same as my plans come first and if I want the house to ourselves then he is not allowed friends back, just for that night or whatever. I'm getting a new car soon and apart from me and my own family using it, then I am not a taxi for anyone else from now on. Saying no is the best thing to do, probably not all the time but enough so that people know that you are not a walk over and will do whatever they ask. Put yourself first from now on. You are worth it.

That's really not nice sunseeker, not nice at all. I would be giving a very large berth from now on....

I agree with others that you are obviously one of life's good Samaritans Sunseeker, and, goodness knows, we still need you about BUT again as others have said you mustn't have "doormat" on your forehead (which only certain people can read).
You need to develop discernment and wisdom as well as your kindness too. I should let this person know that you put yourself out to travel to her and the least she could have done was let you know and next time don't be so hasty to jump in and just give things some thought-it's amazing how things get sorted.

I can think of several 'friends' who have treated me badly. I operate a '3 strikes & you're out' policy these days. Not once when I've stopped contacting one of these 'friends' have they been in touch themselves to ask why. I'd rather have a few good friends than lots of users in my life.

sunseeker I'm glad you eventually got the opportunity to tell her the trouble you had gone to the day before. I would have been inclined, on receiving her original text, to send a text back straight away pointing out that I had disrupted my day to respond to her request.

Given that she has tried to turn the whole thing round to blame you for not being available again because it turns out she hasn't sorted out her "problem", I think I would give this person a bit of a wide berth in future.

It is nice that you are a good friend and a kind person and I suppose everyone is a little thoughtless at times. But when a so-called friend abuses your good heart to this extent, they really don't deserve your friendship.

It's not just friends that take advantage, families are just as guilty on occasion.

You can't change your basic personality and you are, and always will be, a caring person. If you ever refused to jump when asked you would possibly, wrongly, feel guilty. My advice would be to always be prepared to help, but on your terms. So when someone rings instead of dropping everything just say I can't come right now but could see you later / tomorrow. That way they will realise that you have a life of your own . also are you aware of which friends would be there for you if you needed them ? Good luck ....I wish you were my friend x

Oh my goodness Sunseeker that makes me so angry and KatyK too. Why do we put up with it. I had a close friend for years a best friend you could say then her and her husband started going to a club run by the place he worked. They made new friends there who all liked a good drink and I saw her less and less. She didn't live far from me so if we met while out shopping she would say,"oh I forgot to phone you and it was my turn. I will phone next week." No phone call. It was always me phoning her. We decided to move house,house went up for sale,never heard from her, house sold,we moved and I never phoned her,she never phoned me. I know she knew all about our house move because she actually said to a mutual friend that I hadn't told her but she couldn't really blame me.
I feel a bit bad that I didn't say goodbye and quite sad really maybe I was being petty but enough was enough. The friendship at the end or lack of it was making me annoyed. It was always about her anyway and her family. Some friendships are not meant to last.

I agree with most of the comments here, Sunseeker. You do need to bring up the subject with her to tell her how hurt you were - then see what happens in the future.

I had a 'friend' who was a new neighbour. I worked from home and had 2 children at school. During the day I sewed jackets for a local company then the plan was to stop sewing at 4pm and devote my time to the children.

This worked until this new neighbor came on the scene. She & her husband didn’t work and decided that dropping into my house at 9am every day and staying until 4 or later was just the thing to ease their boredom! Like a ninny, I put down my sewing (and accommodated them) and consequently had to sew late into the night to make up my quota.

Eventually, I pretended I was out – hiding behind sofas etc! One day, I even opened the door in my coat to say I was just off out and actually had to get in my car and drive off towards our local shop!

But after a long time of this carry on, I decided enough was enough and when she called one morning I opened the door and said that I was really sorry but I had lots of work to do and I really couldn’t be doing with her & her husband coming every single morning of the week. She had tears in her eyes when she left. The next day she arrived again – this time with a pot plant to say sorry and although she never called again, if we met in the street we said hello.

So, confronting someone can sometimes have a positive outcome and doesn’t necessarily mean bad feeling will ensue.

Good luck!

"Hell is (some) other people. It put me off having friends.

Thank you Maggie My sister always says to me 'you're right and they're wrong' even when I'm wrong! Bless her. Jalima Yes it is unbelievable. She said this not long efter her DH had died so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was something she wouldn't have said normally. I hope I would never use anyone.

It ended with her shouting at me that I was a bad friend, I was being unreasonable and her slamming the phone down
[hmm who's the bad friend then? Not you sunseeker

She is also the same person who said to me 'if my DH hadn't died, I wouldn't be going out with half the people I go out with now - no offence'. Some taken actually - why do I still go out with her? What's the matter with me?
I was so incredulous when I read that that I laughed KatyK! It's not funny, it's just unbelievable.
Everyone puts their foot in it from time to time (me especially) but that is just awful.

I think it was another thread someone called some people 'drains' and others 'radiators' - some people drain you and some people radiate warmth.

KatyK - she sounds awful too.

Well done Sunseeker for having a " go" at her. She's really shown her true colours now, hasn't she. Hopefully her slamming down the phone was the last you'll hear from her. Till the next time she wants to borrow your ear, but please, please be strong enough to be otherwise engaged. Always. You have other, much nicer, friends so just enjoy their company.

Nothing at all wrong with you, KatyK. To coin a phrase, it's not you, it's them.

Some of these posts make me so cross. To think that so-called friends can take advantage of people's good nature like this. I think annodomini got just the right word for these horrors - they're users, and should be avoided at all costs. Talk about thinking they're entitled

I've just had this post pop up in my timeline that seems appropriate to share here "Ten great things that happen when you set boundaries" in the Huffington Post
www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/setting-boundaries-benefits_us_57043126e4b0b90ac27088bb

She is also the same person who said to me 'if my DH hadn't died, I wouldn't be going out with half the people I go out with now - no offence'. Some taken actually - why do I still go out with her? What's the matter with me?