Partners and step grandchildren

I sympathise as I had a few problems when my GC started to arrive as my DH had no children of his own so not at all good with children & resented what I spent on them (always out of money I had earned myself & now my pension).He would do childish things like taking all the nice biscuits for himself- so petty. However as they got older & became more 'interesting' he is brilliant with them & they adore him. It was tough going at times & he also bowed out of family gatherings at times. To be fair he did always try to relate with them but it took them getting a sense of humour for them to start to click. He has them in stitches (sometimes not totally appropriate jokes etc but just a bit cheeky which they think is hilarious especially as I always tell him off for it).
Just do your own thing with your children & he has the choice to be left out or stop behaving like a child himself & join in & have fun.

Nanacool Sorry to hear about your impossible situation. If you are already giving him quality time then this is very simple. You need to sit down and put the question to him as to how he wants his life to be. You can then tell him if this is possible with you in his life as you are a package deal and are not a solitary person. I suspect he wants you all to himself with no 'impediments' so regrettably it really is never going to work.
You need to think of yourself in all of this too. It is not funny being pulled in different directions and made to feel guilty whatever you do. If your OH really loved you he would not put you in this position but my feeling is that he only loves himself. Sad for him because, by being totally selfish, he is going to be the loser if you get a grip on this whole situation and work out just how you want your family life to be and then get it sorted.
There are decisions to be made! I wish you all the best!

I have exactly the same situation. I brought up three boys on my own and have five grandchildren. My husband didn’t get grandchildren until much later (mine are aged from nineteen down to four and his are aged three and five) and so I struggled the same as you. And still do.

I see at as a form of jealousy – my husband doesn’t want to share the love I have (or had, as it has now dropped to an all-time low) for him with my own flesh and blood. My children see the difference in me. I do too. I used to like me and now I don’t like myself like I used to.

While I ‘like’ my husband, I am now trying to keep in better contact with my children and grandchildren. I am trying to make up the lost time.

What’s most important to you? Decide the answer to that and play your cards in that direction.

I think your DH just has a different view of family life that sounds incompatible with yours.

You need to sit down and discuss the situation like grown ups and see if you can BOTH compromise. If one if you is unwilling to give a little, then you need to consider ending the relationship as the situation will probably get worse.

Personally, I love the visits from our grown up DC's but I would hate it if they just dropped by unannounced and intruded on our plans. However, as we moved and now live in another country, this can't happen anyway. :-)

My life does not revolve around offspring 24/7 but I appreciate that for others, they want to be involved with their adult children's lives on an ongoing basis.

It's unfair to say he's wrong and you're right though just because you view family relationships differently. But if you're not willing to meet him halfway, then you need to be totally honest with him.

Elysium I had exactly the same with a past partner I remember one Christmas dinner he was missing I eventually tracked him down in bed he told me I had served the kids dinner before his at first I tried to placate him but this time I didn't and he stayed in bed all Christmas needless to say the relationship went into the bin Funny how some men can be jealous of kids

As he has never had children and presumably didn't want any I am guessing that he doesn't particularly like children and possibly finds them noisy,demanding and irritating. I do think you need to sit down and talk to him to see if you can resolve this issue. Full on children can be very exhausting especially if there is no love in the relationship. It's his home too so I think you should have a discussion about their visits and overnight stays. It must be quite difficult for him if it is 'put upon him' without any prior knowledge. Could you try and work out if there are things he enjoys doing eg. a sport or hobby that he could share with the children so that their visits become more enjoyable for him and therefore more pleasant for everyone.

Very helpful and sensible comments on here. The only thing I would add is sympathy about being 'piggy in the middle', trying to please everyone. The risks are that it puts such a strain on you that it is impossible to maintain in the long term. And that if you can't make it work for you and your husband, you risk having burned your boats with your children and grandchildren, if they have learned to keep a bit of distance and not to make spontaneous contact. I hope for you that this isn't what happens, but my experience was that I let things get more fraught and more distant for so long that by the time I left my husband (for this and other reasons), my easy relationship with the children and grandchildren had diminished and I'm still trying to rebuild things. Some of the children are willing to do this but others have withdrawn so much it is very hard.
However you decide to deal with it - good luck.

When my partner's mother remarried she told her new husband (before she accepted his proposal) that her children would always come before him!

Sorry to hear of your situation. As others have commented, it's probably jealousy and that's not a particularly appealing trait as it rarely improves. I had a partner many years ago and when my children would return from university at holiday times, he would behave very unreasonably, insisting his needs were always put first, even serving him first for dinner etc. Constantly making sly remarks to me about them, when I was delighted to have them back for even short stays. I imagined then what the future would hold for me and them and possibly future GC. I ditched him after 13 years and have never been happier. I have great times with my grandchildren and no relationship is worth putting that at risk. Also I get autonomy back in my life and am happy being single!

Nannacool, your situation resonates with me. I have been with my partner for 23 years and in the last 8 years I have had 5 grandchildren by my 2 daughters from my marriage. They don't live nearby (1 1/2 hours to each of them by car which I don't have). He is reluctant for them to come here for the occasional day (though they do about twice a year) and flatly refuses to have the GCs to stay, saying that if he had wanted children in the house he would have had children. Motherhood was my life's dream and I had wanted to build a close relationship with my GCs. I haven't told my daughters about this rule as it would hurt them too much. I have fretted about it so much that I am now on the verge of moving out and away to be closer to my real family.

So sad...I married my DH when my children were 3, 5, 12 and 13. We have 12 grandchildren. He is never looked upon as Step granddad. He is Grandpa. Do the DGC look on him as step or is he just their grandpa. Are your own children close to him?

Very, very difficult for you ... what a pity. Just a thought, but do your children and grandchildren treat your partner with respect? Are they taking a lot for granted?

I have been married to a lovely man, a widower, for 15 years, who had two teenage children when we met and are now young adults with their own children, who I love and care for, including babysitting, buying presents, holidays together, etc - it's a lovely win win situation. I don't have children of my own so it has been wonderful in many ways ...... BUT some of the in laws have been appalling to me, snidy and very dismissive.

Anything that I have agreed to do with my DSD and DSGC can just be swept away by the 'proper' paternal nana if she just turns up. It can all be so needlessly complicated, there is more than enough love to go round.

Anyway, I do hope that everything goes well. It sounds however, that your partner wants you and possibly he only wants you, and it may be that you will end up making some very difficult choices, and I suspect that your partner will not be the winner!

It is a very unfortunate situation you find yourself in. What you are describing, in medical terms, are symptoms and often times just treating symptoms will not bring about a change. It does become necessary at times to find the cause of the symptoms to bring about the necessary changes. Professional help is sometimes needed.

My husband has been wonderful with my grandchildren and treats them as well as he treats his own. My daughter totally trusts him to look after them but he has been known to do a little dance on our doorstep when we wave them off after a three day stay!

I think this is probably more common than anyone thinks I remarried I had 2 children then we had a son together he was fine when they were younger but as the grandchildren came along became quite resentful of the time we spent together he was always a jealous man but I could never understand being jealous of family we no longer live together so he gets all the peace and quiet he needs it's a very true saying be careful what you wish for none of the family go to see him .

Agree with a lot of the comments... I'm lucky my OH loves my grandchildren even tho he has none of his own. I tend to ask him to go out when they are coming round why should you leave the house it's him that's being awkward.Stand your ground and like you all say they must come first.

Agree with Lilylilo, a jealous and possessive man who seeks to get his own way by being unpleasant to your family. Difficult to cope with but doable. If he doesn't want to accompany you on family outings, that's his loss. Where would you rather be stuck in the home with him, or out and about.

I have 8 grandchildren and 2 step grandchildren 8 of them are under 8 years old. They are a total joy, it's mayhem when they are all here but the only way to cope is to throw yourself into it and make the most of them . Your partner is just very jealous, he wants you to himself. If he can't join in and have fun he should go out for the day. Maybe you could treat him after they have gone. Go out for a meal or something . Sulking is very unattractive and awful to live with. Would he rather you went and stayed with them for a few days instead? I doubt it and prob more sulking when you get back. Most of my grandchildren are mine but three are my DH's - we make no distinction - but obviously you do have special feelings for your own . Can't he just accept your grandchildren as his own and have fun?? Is there anything that he can share with the grandchildren? football? Garden games? Gardening? Watching a film together?

I don't understand how a grandparent can be accused of "over indulging" themselves with time spent with children and grandchildren. It's how Nanacool's family works it seems, spontaneous and loving is what it sounds like.
My adult children often arrive unannounced, open the fridge, help themselves to a snack, or start putting tea together for their children. That was how were were at my parents home, it remained "home" until my parents died.

I accept that kind of family life isn't for everyone and it may be that Nanacool's partner and she need to work out ways in which they have a date night, or occasional weekend when the children and grandchildren don't arrive. Mr Nanacool needs to work out whether he loves his partner enough to accept she's a very hands on mum and grannie.

A difficult situation for you but are you sure that you don't over-indulge yourself with time spent with children and grandchildren, especially if your partner is busy working all week.

You had your GS staying the weekend, then your son and GD turned-up and also wanted to stay the night, then all are joined on Sunday by your daughter and her other children.

A bit of compromise is needed by all IMO!

Also, if he is tired after working hard, isn't that an ideal excuse for escaping for a nap?

One other thought, when we were kids and my grandparents (who were very loving and involved grandparents) were tired and the "grownups were going for a lie down" - we knew to cool it and keep it down until they emerged from their bedrooms. I don't know how old your grandchildren are, but do they co-operate when your partner needs a bit of quiet time? Everyone has to pull together in this situation.

nanacool I think that you should find an opportunity to explain to your partner how unhappy this is making you, that you understand that it is difficult for him, but that for you it is a "dealbreaker", and if he wants your relationship to continue, he must meet you halfway.

You may find that being as much aware of the investment in this relationship as you are; and if he realises that this problem may mean the end of something with lots else going for it, he will compromise.

Can you go and stay with your GC at their homes at all?

nannacool I don`t think he will change and possibly get worse as he gets older !! Are you sure it is something you can put up with long term ? it also sounds as if you have to work harder at the relationship than he does . It is a shame that you cannot just enjoy your GC when they come , you must feel very torn .

I think BlueBelle I am beginning to think that, I feel I have worked and worked in this relationship, but at the end of the day if push came to shove I know who I will choose, I do think he is jealous, I don't understand it, how can you be jealous of little ones !!