Presents for grandchildren rejected

I loved my mother so much ,she used to spend more than she could afford on my children . They in turn adored her but it wasn't the gifts that they received ,they didn't matter ,it was her love ,kindness and caring nature.We would never have told her off for spoiling them . Just wish she was still here to spoil them now! I buy what my daughter thinks her children need and am less extravagant but often pay for other things like shoes ,trips etc .I think your Son and daughter in law have behaved very badly towards you you have nothing to apologise for !

Thank you everyone for your messages, it's given me food for thought that's for sure. It's nice to see some people can see that I acted out of love and in no way wished to undermine my son and dil's parenting. I am equally grateful to hear from those who think differently from myself.

I do feel however that a couple of posters have been unkind to myself and other members, there is no need for rudeness and sarcasm.

At the end of the day I am who I am and I know that I act with good intentions and from love, if that makes me a bad person then so be it. I will however make an effort to curb my enthusiasm with giving presents from now on... I strongly disagree however that the giver shouldn't receive pleasure from the act of that giving, that is just nonsense.

I have to send money for one DGC as they live so far away but at least I saw a picture of him on FB, beaming and showing me what I 'bought'!
It was just the one gift
And, of course, I posted something else as I couldn't resist - which hasn't arrived.

You will have to be strict with yourself and check with them first in future which may take the fun out of it but at least you won't be in trouble..

I strongly disagree however that the giver shouldn't receive pleasure from the act of that giving, that is just nonsense.

Nobody said that.

Nobody said that you should recieve no pleasure from giving presents.
Just that you shouldn't give presents that are all about the giver's wish to be/appear bountiful and don't bnefit the receiver.

"benefit"

I resisted the temptation to linger in M&S children'swear department today.

Probably because DH was with me and he wanted to get to the café, he gets grumpy if he's hungry.

When I was at my son's for Christmas, he brought his presents down to put under the tree, then said, "Oh, dear, I've bought too much again, haven't I?"
We all enjoyed the unwrapping and were pleased with our choices.
A few too many bah humbugs on here.

Blimey I'm glad I was otherwise engaged this afternoon this thread did get a bit 'bah humbug' didn't it.

Happygran1964 Going forward I would consolidate the amount spent on eight separate gifts into a single gift for each child. You will spend less time shopping, choosing and wrapping and DS and DIL won't have eight excuses to complain about.

Well I do spoil my grand children too, only have two and they are siblings and get the same amount each. They are placed in a sack which they know is just off me , I don't necessarily spend loads of money but they are thoughtfully chosen and what they have said they've wanted/needed throughout the year. I'm afraid I bought twice the number OP bought and their mother doesn't mind, we always went a bit over the top when she and her sister were children and I never restricted her grandparents either. My other daughter spoils them just as much and we all spend Christmas together and buy nice things for the adults as well. Each to their own I say but no need to be mean or unpleasant to each other. We all check with their mother and each other what we are buying so we don't duplicate or accidentally buy what someone else might have chosen and we all have a lovely time

Karen1959, don't step back from this site, just scroll past the 'clique'. Maybe they should read back through some of the many posts on here and see how collectively it appears that they enjoy being sarcastic, etc. You'll also see that they very often have interesting points of view that give food for thought even if you don't completely agree with them.
As for OP, I think we have brought our children up to be seen and heard, giving them a voice to challenge and fight for their 'rights." All of which is a good thing but when their views differ from ours, it is sometimes difficult to accept. Personally, I don't think you did anything wrong but trying to find a way forward in the future when the other DGC are receiving your gifts is probably the discussion you should be having. My own experiences with my DIL's show me the more respect I give to my DIL's points of view, certainly makes life easier in the long run even though I don't always agree with it. After a while, it becomes a non-issue because they learn to trust you and don't feel the need to fight you.

Karen1959 as icanhandthemback says , there is a clique on GN who are best ignored . Don`t stop posting, most of us are pleasant, agreeable people (well most of the time) xx

Hmm, perhaps Karen1959 could read back through her own posts, including her very first contribution to Gransnet, instructing someone who had the misfortune to miss a bit of information to "read the thread before commenting". As we seem to be heading for yet another of those clique/witch hunting threads, I'm off out to the sales.

Notanan

I'm assuming that most people give presents because they know that they will bring joy to the recipient, no ulterior motives!

Or as they say on Mumsnet: RTFT

There do seem to be different views here on the amount of present giving that is deemed acceptable - I guess it is different for each family and the important thing is to be in synch with each other so that misunderstandings do not arise.

That's sad that you feel crap happygran. I do sympathise with your son and DIL as I am in a similar position with my MIL who loves buying stuff too, but Christmas is hardly the time to say something and i think it's ok to teach children that people have different values and make different decisions.

One of the problems I think my generation have which I don't remember being so bad when I was growing up in the 80s is that there is all this stuff everywhere, it's all so cheap thanks to China and disposable. I'm in the ridiculous situation of having a big clear out of my 10 yo bedroom to make room for all the stuff she got for Christmas. I honestly think one present per person would be more impactful, but it is what it is.

One of the things that stood out for me on this thread is that all the mums/grans whose sons tell them things they don't want to hear seem to be these wimps who've married harridans. Why do you think your sons are so drippy? I know my MIL thinks the same whenever we make choices she doesn't like. My OH isn't rejecting her just because he's made a different lifestyle choice. Times are different now and people bring their children up differently - I want my daughter to be a responsible consumer and to be conscious of the impact of the environment instead of buying every bit of plastic tat that catches her eye. That's not me being a spoilsport, it's us trying to influence the kind of adult she becomes - which I'm sure all previous generations did with their kids!

That said, I think if I were you happygrab, I'd let my son know that what he'd said had left me feeling really upset and that I wanted to make Christmas lovely not ruin it - perhaps you could talk to each other ahead of time next winter and see what's needed for the kids before you shop.

Good post Ladyme

It's a minefield. I was aware of excessive amounts of pressies myself when it took two and half hours to open them in DD's household, with a lot showered on the step kids by grandparents as well as parents. It seemed far too much, and the older ones weren't grateful to be honest, and wandered off before they were all opened. Equally, even in our old age, we get an envelope of money from MIL every year which is far too much, and we have far more money than her, but can't seem to stop the flow.

So easy to give unwitting offence. After reading this thread I'm now feeling very guilty as I obviously upstaged everyone else by hosting the family for two days & nights over Xmas including other Gran and my adult step daughter as well as DD, SIL and GD and also for buying GD 8 presents (mostly under £10 a go). Also providing two days of food (and preparing and cooking it all myself), booze, snack treats, we dug up Xmas tree from local farm and did decorations,crackers, DH kept the log fire burning all the time etc. etc. No one has complained though and I loved having everyone around but next year will try to remember that as the well off grandparents (not inherited but with two professional careers all our working lives we are much better off than everyone else) we need to be very tactful as well as generous in providing the family xmas (DD does ask each year if we would mind as she can't and we always are delighted to say yes). Have learned a lot from this thread. Happy New Year

bellsisabelle, rebellion from offspring is healthy. I'd be shocked if it didn't occur .

The point is to respect your offsprings' choices even when you don't agree with them, e.g. home schooling, perhaps, or a dislike of excessive Christmas consumption of tat.

On this thread it's the person in the older generstion who's doing the rebelling, not her kid and his partner.

Food for thought.

Thatbags, I hardly call buying 8 presents for my own grandchildren rebelling! . You seem quite harsh in your opinions.

Happygran It's not about the presents.
It's about going against your DS and DiL's wishes about how they bring up their own children.

I would have thought that if the giving of "too many" presents spoiled his Christmas completely, then his enjoyment must have been pretty fragile to start with. They were given out of generosity and a wish to make the child happy, not to ruin the day. But we grandparents have to remember that however much we love our granchildren and want to give them the moon, they are not our children, they are our chuildren's children

Parents do naturally feel that THEY are the main givers of joy to their children and that grandparents are a welcome second. If it has hurt his pride that there were so many more parcels to open from the OP that the parents are eclipsed, that won't help family relationships in the long run.

The answer would seem to be a compromise that suits everyone. Why not buy a dozen small presents, one for each month of the year, with a big label on each with the month they are to be opened, and give them quietly to thr parents to hide away until those boring times when an injection of something new will be better appreciated that getting it all in one indigestible banquet.

I think you are a lovely grand parent. They are only little for such a short time, if you want to buy them gifts why not? I'm sorry your son was annoyed but I think they could have kept some gifts back if they really didn't want them to have all the gifts in one go. That's what my son does when I get carried away