Family stealing

How awful, family or not, this is stealing. We have a h/h and if it was happening to us I would certainly, tactfully as possible, have a talk with my DS.

Boadiceawhat an awful position you are in but we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Your son and dil have pushed and pushed the boundries because you let them away with it, i know that is harsh but you know its true, I used to allow my son stay in bed all day after he left school, I allowed him to go without a job until the day when he was 25 and I had enough. His life is so different now, he has a place of his own a job and my respect.
Your son and dil are in a mess of their own making and will never learn if you keep bailing them out, they are responsible for housing and feeding THEIR children not you. They steal from you and use you, ask yourself this, if you needed a roof over your head tomorrow or a meal and £50 would they provide it with good grace ? only you know the answer to that.
Do your son and dil respect you ? but more importantly do You respect them.
We only have one life, dont let others call the shots. And yes you are right to be upset.

I fully support everything grannypiper has said.

Draw up a list of all the things you know they have that belong to you and quietly and firmly ask them to return them. Theft is theft, even within a family.

Yes, you are right to be upset. But you really should have put a stop to this when it first happened.

I agree with Ana and think what's done is done.From now on, ask all family to take own bedding and towels to the holiday home.
Buy the cheapest of kitchen stuff as replacements.Take away any knick knacks that you are fond of.
Expect a few things to still vanish, but they will only be cheap ones, hopefully.

I would not let any more disappearances, even cheap ones, pass without a quiet but firm request for their return and if that does not happen just stop them using your holiday home. If necessary change the locks.

*M0nica......a tad harsh for family.

No, not really, comes down to "respected and valued" plus the "do as you would be done by" thing, applies (or should do) to all, including family!

Perhaps say has anyone taken sheets/towels home to wash? Then say perhaps everyone supply their own. I too wouldn't keep family treasures there, just cheap stuff. I know it's probably an easy way out, but I won't fall out over it. Keep the peace, the fallout would only upset you.

I'm not sure Boadecia would want to have lots of cheap stuff in her holiday home or what would be the point in not enjoying where you're staying? I do agree she could ask people to take their own linen and towels, (I'm assuming she's soft enough to be doing all their laundry and cleaning too).

Other posters are right to say it's pretty much her own fault and it will only lead one way. DH's sister stole all the nice things from her mother's home (coffee machine, food processor, white towels etc.) when she had an affair and moved out. A few years down the line she managed to get hold of the bank card and emptied the bank account too - all this with her mother's "blessing." The moral is, don't allow this to happen to you, it will only get worse because they have no respect.

Perhaps you can nick your stuff back when you are at their house without saying anything, wait and see if they notice.

Thank you so much everyone. I know I need to toughen up... There are some very useful suggestions here. I appreciate your advice.

I have just written on another thread that adult children must take responsibility for their actions and that applies here. You could ask if the linens have been taken home to wash to try and avoid confrontation as bartonlady said.
If this doesn't work then I'm afraid you need to face up to the fact they are stealing from you. They are not treating you well and this is not acceptable family or not.

You are right to feel upset.
Confrontation would upset you but it would also upset you to continue to provide hospitality at your holiday home, while knowing that stealing is likely to happen.
It's not just a case of getting the things back, if you believe they are stealing do you want to keep giving them that opportunity?

I like suzieds reply the best Lol .

Stealing and lying (just as important) broke our family apart. No amount of pleading for it to stop made any impressions as another lie was said to cover up. I feel so sad but I couldn't allow it to make a fool of me or to make me any more ill than it was doing. If I'd have put my foot down earlier we would have broken earlier. I still don't know if I could have ever found a way that worked.

Pammi? What a shame for you.
I don't think that Boadicea wants it to go as far as breaking with her family.In my view
A few 'things' would never be worth that, and she does say that the family may need them.
I think the family think ( rightly or wrongly) that a few bits won't be missed, and their need is greater etc.
If they provide their own bedding and sheets when they go, that may be enough to stop it all.

I think the idea of asking if they took any linen away to wash, as some appears to be missing is a good one. Not worth having a bust up over, in my opinion.

Make it known that you have changed the locks in your holiday home and when asked why tell them that you are waiting for things to be returned that were taken Simple. Theft is theft

I would take all items of value sentimental or otherwise out of your holiday home. Replace sheets with bri nylon or remove altogether and tell people to take own bedding. Imagine if you rented it out you would not leave those items there. Make it like a rental property.you could use a permanent marker with your name on stuff as well.
If you are dependent on this family when you get older then make sure you have made your will and do an enduring power of attorney for someone you can trust. It could be a younger friend and if they agreed you could make provision for friend in your will.
It needs to stop but without proof you can't do anything.
I would place a covert camera( see Maplin) in my own home leaving some cash in view and see what happens but then I was a cop!
Then you challenge your son may not be aware but your dil is a thief.
This needs to be sorted.

How did you discover the lost bedding?

How horrible for you. I think you are completely in the right and your DS and DIL are completely in the wrong. However, they will not take kindly to ultimatums or harsh words. Guilty people never do.

Perhaps you could say that you have noticed that things have gone missing and that they have been borrowed' but that, in future, this must not happen again. You cannot afford for them to be 'forgetful' going forward. This gives them a let out and an excuse for what is clearly deliberate theft but it saves their pride and might save your relationship.

If they then do it again change the locks or take some of the good advice posted above.

I have a holiday home for the use of family too and thankfully, nothing has gone missing. Bedding has been taken home to wash but they left replacements from their own home. I'm thinking of letting it to holiday makers but will definitely take out any valuables and label bedding and towels. I will also request a deposit, refundable minus any deductions for breakages, etc.

Of course you should be upset. Stealing from family is beneath contempt. I am afraid I would have to say something.