Why does my daughter treat me this way?

#can'tRelate

I don’t think this is uncommon or a personal as it feels. I brought my daughters up alone and worked so hard to give them the up bringing I didn’t have. I still support them both particularly financially and emotionally. I however get very little in return and they only call me when they want something.
I lost my husband last year and there was no understanding and very little support.
I think it’s that this is their expectation of my role they don’t see as a person in my own right but as their mum and that’s my role.
I was very different with my own mum even though my mum could be cold and uncaring.
My older daughter is very critical of me yet can’t seem to cope without me. I just am the best person I can be.Always there when they need me.
My daughter asks me to come shopping with her to mind the her daughter while she looks around, but then she makes it very clear that I get on her nerves. She puts me down and moans at me in front of people. She expects me to pay for everything she buys. She went for me so badly in a shop last week that I went into a changing room and cried. She apologized after but she really had no idea how her stringing words and criticism hurts. ( she never knew I cried)
If I try and clear the air she becomes on the defensive then stops talking to me and refusing to allow me to see her child. I have just gone two years without seeing my granddaughter and still have no idea why.
I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and my other daughter refers to me as “nanny nut job” to her kids and all her friends they all seem to think its funny. I pride myself on my loving kind nature so I will not compromise who I am by retaliating but I won’t play the victim either. I just be the better person having no expectations of them, I ask for nothing and look after myself. I can hold my head up high, knowing that I am, and have always been there for them and my grandkids and that I am proud of who I am even if they are not.

I can only say how very lucky I feel after reading the above posts. My family are always on the phone, texting or popping in, some more than others but I know they are all there for me.

I don't find the idea of sharing a bank account in the least odd if you know you can trust them. I am going to do that with one of my sons when we get round to it. I have seen cases when a parent has become incapacitated and their children have had to jump through hoops in order to use money in the account to pay bills etc. so to me it makes sense. We have all discussed it and are in total agreement as to which one should be added.

I have found that friends are more important than family to some of our children. It's not something I understand. I would never put friends before family but that seems to be the way it goes now. This almost caused a rift between my DD and me but I have come to terms with it now and things are a lot better. I can't change it so there is no point in getting upset over it. Our granddaughter never contacts us but we see her regularly and she always rushes forward to hug and kiss us. She is a teenager and has a boyfriend, so I don't think grandparents are high on her list of priorities, although she is always lovely with us and happy to see us.

I feel for you ladies who have little contact with there offspring, however after reading your posts I feel very blessed because my DD also lives the very modern hectic life but she calls me every morning after the school run on her way to work and we chat for 15 mins. And my DD in Australia calls every 2 weeks and we FaceTime for an hour and she runs her own business and has 2 Gds of mine. Without sounding harsh I do believe she could make the time if she wanted to. Hope you've recovered from your illness.

Can you use WhatsApp? If your daughter is on it, you could get in the habit of writing a very brief message or asking a quick question
every few days or so that she could respond to with no effort. That way you are slowly normalising more frequent interaction.

I hope you are feeling better SandraK from the pheumonia. That illness can really pull you down and magnify everything that can cause you to feel upset.
I think todays young lead such different lives, under great pressure from busy careers,parenthood and have higher expectations of what life should be.
I love my daughters very much, but I don't receive weekly phone calls or expect to. I know they are on the go all the time, and have to fit in so much. Sometimes I text them with the message - "Are you out there?" - meant with humour - and before long they ring for a chat and a catch up. I understand what you mean about always seeming to ring at the wrong time - hence the text.
I know, with hindsight, that I took my own parents too much for granted, and your post has made me consider this.
You acknowledge that your daughter has been there for you in the past and, reading between the lines as well, it sounds as if her family is struggling financially.You've helped them and been a good mum. Try not to feel guilty about the past - you can't change it. Look to the future - and believe me and lots of others on here when we say contact every 2 weeks isn't bad.

I am a mother, grandmother and still have a mother. So, I can see from many points of view. With expectation comes disappointment. I have no expectations of my children or grandchildren. The way I see it is they have their own lives to live, and I have mine. When we are in contact I love it - it's not overbearing. I too have helped our son to get on to the property market - why make them wait until I'm dead if the money is available now - and I'm so happy I could do that. I would not part with any money if I was to resent it at a later date. If you give, you must give freely without conditions (even unspoken ones) unless it is a loan of some sort.

My own mother, however, always complains to the rest of the family when she doesn't get the attention she wants. As I say, I have my own life and contact her when I want to. She is free to contact me, but prefers to wait for me to phone her. That's ok, as long as it doesn't become an expection, as I have a disabled younger son to care for too.

I am happy that my children are happy; I cannot be expected to make lives happy except my own (I'm alluding to my mother here).

This may seem very matter of fact and devoid of much feeling but that's the way it is.

I hope you find your way, and perhaps start finding peace and happiness in life. xx

Nudejude, so very very true

Love your post Victoria08 because I echo your feelings! But I have found a great solution to it - because I have lots of interests and commitments too which sometimes I just can't drop when the phone calls come in from DD for emergency help. So I suggest that DH can take my place and help out instead. He's just as capable as me to pick up or drop off the grandchildren in an emergency ..... or babysit if DD is going to be "a few minutes late getting home". If I am in her house with the grandkids on one of these emergency trips I would also empty the dishwasher, or fold the laundry etc., etc., but if DH is "on duty" he just lays on their couch watching the golf channel while the kids get their own drinks and snacks and amuse themselves! In other words he performs his babysitting duties to the lowest level!

I had a father whom I continued to visit every day after my mum died. However long I stayed was never enough. There were days when I had to drag myself out of the house in all weathers. I have always told my children dont ever come to see me unless you want to. I speak very rarely as my daughter has 3 little ones so the conversation is always disjointed through interuption from one of the little ones. I never ring her as she is always busy. She rings me when she can such as when she is waiting for them to come out of music lessons. Her brother always rings me when he is driving home, probably once a fortnight. As long as they are well and happy thats good enough for me. They have their lives and they know im here when they need me, as they would be if I needed them.

Nudejude. We can't ALL have raised a nation of spoilt children, surely!. I agree that they do behave in a totally different way to any other generation. I think my DG have grown about two inches every time we see them and they only live a five minute drive away. They are totally selfish and inconsiderate but always happy with the handouts. ??? The last time we saw the DG was on Christmas Day.
They just don't seem to have the time for anything after working all day, getting the children's supper and then to bed with a bedtime story!.
SandreK. You are not doing so badly. You have a daughter who loves you very much. Expecting your DG to phone you at bedtime is wishful thinking-they just don't have the time for that as they need some time for Facebook, twitter, whatapp and not forgetting the iPhone etc., etc.,. Be grateful for what you've got, you've even got a nice SiL.
You need a bit of cheering up. I do hope that after reading the posts on here that you will see that it could be a whole lot worse and just try to enjoy the good relationship you've got with your daughter.
When I see what my friend does for her daughters I just feel glad that I never had one. It's never ending.

I wonder if you are a little lonely and that your life has become focused upon your daughter and her family? If my youngest daughter contacted me fortnightly, I would be delighted. I haven't heard from her since New Year, and the contact then was initiated by me. I am close to my eldest daughter, but we only call each other about once a week and it's often me saying 'I'll have to be quick, I'm just on my way out'. Sometimes that is her response when I ring, but it literally means that, no hidden agenda. Your daughter and son-in-law actually sound quite caring of you, whilst juggling busy lives.

You also mention being depressed. It may be that you feel very negative about the situation due to these things. Perhaps see your GP and talk about how you are feeling. If you are clinically depressed, you may benefit from from antidepressant medication and/or counselling. If your mood is lifted, you may be able to join something sociable and make some friends. Age UK have social groups and events in many areas for example.

Don't contact her.Wait till she notices the silence.

I have a bit of a reverse situation. I've lived a long time in my current house and, if I wanted my mum to visit I would have to drive for forty minutes to collect her and then do the reverse journey to take her back BUT....she gets a free bus pass, doesn't do much with her time and the bus to get to where I live goes past where she lives and would be a free and entertaining journey. She has never had a handle on what is going on in my life..... she can come out with very blunt, negative comments.....I'm too fat, too thin, etc. i was never good enough even though I got a well paid profession, took myself to university late in life and am the only one of my siblings who married in church. Both my sister and brother have failed marriages behind them. I can't do right for doing no wrong.

At least it is good to know we are not alone ! Coming up to 10 years this year since D has spoken/texted/written/phoned or e mailed ! Now given up hoping she will one day contact me. She has no idea I know where she lives ....I just want to know she is happy and healthy, nothing else...without stalking her !!

She was always a bit like this when she was at Uni ...she would drive up (past my house in the car I bought her (and paid all bills for) ) to see her friends.....I never knew until one of her friends said did I see her on whatever day ! No I didn't ! My friends, a lot of whom had daughters who were friends with mine, cannot understand why ...some of them have said they are going to phone her 'to give her a piece of their mind !' I said no, just let it go ....her decision nothing I can do about it !

I do wonder if it isn't our fault as parents ...did we make their lives seem as if nothing was too much ....and when they suddenly find how difficult life is they blame us ? Like many of you, I provided her with all the contents of her house, her car, when she was at Uni I paid the rent and gave her a credit card in my name so the bills came to me ...a clothing allowance, and when I went to visit her I would take her shopping for new clothes, things for the house, food etc .....

In my husband's case, he hears from his daughter around once a year if he is lucky ! She totally fogets Father#s Day, birthdays, anything else ! I e mailed her a couple of years ago when he had a second stroke ...not one word ! In the last couple weeks her live out #partner# has died .....we have tried to be supportive and ask if she needed help ..she did say thank you but she is surrounded by friends locally who knew him....which is good to know ! During one brief telephone call last year, she was saying she had just sold her central London flat and bought a flat at the seaside ...and her dad was just chatting, saying how the cost of living had gone up etc etc and we didn't have as much money as we once did (not complaining or asking for money, just conversing !) ....her reply 'well, you shouldn't have spent all your money then ' ! Bearing in mind it was he who gave her the deposit for her flat many years ago, and she sold it for 400,000 I did think it would have been nice of her to send him something for Christmas (he always sends her money ...) but nothing arrived, not even a card !

With all this daily moaning about how wealthy OAPs are and how poor 'children' are it gets a bit wearing ! With so many unemployed and so many on zero hours contracts et al, the generations are not paying into the system ...will be interesting to see what happens if they ever reach the pension age and there is nothing in the coffers .....

So yes I do have sympathy with all of you in a position like ours ......perhaps we should act as selfishly as they do and if we had any money, spend it ! I have a friend doing just that ....just off on her second holiday this year and its not even March ! she says #I looked after my children , gave them what I could, and now it is my turn! Can't fault it ...after all, they are never likely, she says, to step forward to care for her if she needs it, and ours certainly would not be happy ! When I was about 40 my daughter said to me 'Im putting you in a home when you get old' ! Thanks I said ..I just hope you can afford it !

I moved 2 years ago to be nearer DD & DGS after DH died, I live about 10 miles from DD, we don't meet up with any regularity but always message on facebook particularly as DD is now expecting DGS2. We find this easier than phone calls.

I haven't been asked to do childcare (yet) as her friends mostly help out when the (rare) need arises.

I have helped DD out financially when I've been able & know this is appreciated.

I ring my DM every couple of days, she's almost 88 & lives 300 miles away. I have more contact with her now than I did when I was younger, work/family get in the way & we forget. I feel for those of you who have little contact, a big bunch of

I do know how it feels to get little attention from a child. My DS lives in New Zealand and has 2 little girls. I'm lucky if I speak to him once a month. I rarely get a birthday card or present from him. But I know he loves me and I brought him up to be independent so I can't really complain when he is! My DD is different has always been a good communicator and makes a fuss of my at a Christmas and birthdays. However I don't expect her to be all over me- I'm still the parent and I think we as a generation have rather kept our children dependant on us for longer than we probably should've done. I don't expect my children to do the chasing but ironically my own parents expect me always to be the one to ring them and check how they are. I often feel stuck in the middle!

sandra I'm feeling very sad for you. I can't see how anyone can be too busy without 5 mins free a couple of times a week (or more) to give a quick call to their parent ..... It's quite beyond my comprehension!

Putting aside what you've done for them because it's not really the point .... There really is no excuse for such selfish behaviour.

Don't blame yourself because she had a less than perfect childhood. That was then and she's a big girl now and a quick text just doesn't cut it.

My parents were positively awful yet I did the decent thing and called a few times weekly as well as helping them both a huge amount. Why? Because they were old and needed help and if their own daughter abandoned them, who was going to be there to do the zillion things that old people find a problem from changing a lightbulb to getting a plumber.

I don't want to meddle but seems to me her and your SIL are very spoilt. As for so many gransnetters saying oh that's how it is nowadays, I say "rubbish". Perhaps they all need to put their phones down, lay off Facebook etc and pop in to see their parents.

I say this not because my children are uncaring. They're not. In fact my daughter calls every day just to say "hi". If I didn't hear from my son got a week, I would wonder if he was unwell. They both have tremendously busy careers, young children etc but they find time to pick up the phone!

But Sandra keep the lines of communication open! However, close the joint bank account!!! Wishing you success with your family. She's a very silly young woman .......

I have three adult sons, also a teenager who is still at home. I hear very little from my eldest. It can go weeks before he will call. I do text him and ask how him, how his wife and my grandchildren are getting on. I rarely hear back, though he obviously reads the texts as he will comment on what I have put the next time I speak to him.
I have bought up the issue of little contact with him and my daughter in law. She was unaware how little he did contact me and for a while it increased. But now all fallen away again.
I will say that he is a wonderful man, fantastic with his children and if I have any problems he will help as much as he can.
It would just be nice to get a phone call or text now and then.

My second son lives in Canada and I actually hear from him far more than I do his brother. We Skype weekly and email inbetween.

Third son I hear from all the time and he visits weekly for his Sunday dinner

fourth son is still at home, so I have no problem keeping in touch with him

All have been brought up the same, so I wonder how they can turn out so differently.

Some very good advice on here about thinking positively with which I agree. It's also made many of us reflect on how we treated our own mothers when we were busy working mums. I hope I did alright on that score, but it's also made me think about my maiden aunt who was also my god-mother. I know I didn't manage to find enough time for her when my children were growing up and I regret that now. A little more sharing of my life and family would have given her immense pleasure. I am very blessed to have daughters and granddaughters whom I love and who love me. I haven't the slightest idea of how often we ring each other!

I am so sorry or are feeling so upset. I also agree with some of the things mentioned Grannypiper. I have 1 DD and 1DS. I have giving them everything and sacrificed to provide for them, my choice. When my DD WAS 19 I was very ill and spent 6 weeks in hospital and I was heartbroken that she never visited once. I never told her how I felt. She married in 2006 and I was told that her Mil was "blending in" for the photos and that she didn't know what all the fuss was about "mother of the bride". In 2015 she had a our first DGS and when she told us she was pregnant I was delighted but quickly told that "the bean" had more than one Grandmother. We been really good parents, been there for her and spent endless. We constantly have hints of new kitchens, cars wanted and when we do not provide her behaviour is shameful. My point is, we suffered in silence because we were trying to keep our daughter and now we are sorry we didn't speak up sooner and close the bank of mum and dad much earlier. Her husband brought it to a head by asking us when we were going to downsize and give him some cash. As soon as the bank shut we were history. We don't see her or our DGS as her husband is controlling the situation.
You do matter and you deserve to be happy. Don't let people take advantage of you or use you. I am trying to keep busy, it's hard, but we have to create a life for ourselves as life as you know it can change in a heartbeat. Hope you feel better soon x

I am sorry to read so many posts from P's who feel, understandably IMO, that they are being taken for granted. That said, it's been nice to read so many supportive posts and see that by feeling able to share your feelings on GN SandraK you've enabled others to do the same.

Sadly we are estranged from our youngest son and only GC and have been for more than 4 years now. Our only other child, his brother is living in Aus. He and our lovely d.i.l. have busy lives, working and enjoying the beautiful year round weather. Despite that we skype almost every week or have a long chat over the 'phone with our son. TBH we talk to him more now that he's on the other side of the world than we did when he was living just a 5 minute car ride away.

Perhaps for us and him, the situation with his brother and the fact that he is so far away has made us all take stock and realise how important regular contact is.

for all of you who have, and continue to do so much for your AC but feel unappreciated.

This thread is so reassuring. Like others, we tried very hard to bring up caring, thoughtful people but seemed to have failed with one. The most annoying thing for me, is that the our daughter is lovely with other people. She seems to save her selfishness just for us.

NudeJude you'll get no objection from me. I think there's a deal of accuracy in what you say even though it is a sweeping generalisation. My main problem is that I keep trying to understand how this could happen from 2 children who were reared in a loving, giving, solid and sharing relationship for all of their formative years and more. Selfishness just wasn't seen or practised around us. Where has it come from and why do they consider it acceptable?