Why does my daughter treat me this way?

You are trying too hard and expecting too much. Just because you are giving, giving, giving do not expect that to be replicated. They are a family with (presumably) normal needs and actions. That cannot always include you. In fact they may well feel over indebted to you and awkward. Give them space and leave them to come to you, even if that seems to you to take far too long.

The fact that your daughter was there for you when you had that operation surely shows that she thinks about you and will be there again if need be.

You have made their life easier but they may not appreciate it as much as someone who had nothing to start with. It has all been too easy for them. That can mean their value judgements are not as you would wish. Time to back off and wait for them to come to you.

I phone my DD one week and she rings me the following week. Could you not suggest this to your DD? My DD, her DH and DGC visit us 3 or 4 times each year as both my DD and her DH both work full time with a one year old to get to and fro to nursery. We visit them 3 or 4 times each year as my DH works full time and even though I only work 2 days a week I can't visit my DD as she is at work. They live 150 miles away. Try to develop friendships who can be companions when you go on days out. I do send picture post cards to DGC with animals on one each month so he will not forget me. Have you considered facetime I sometimes facetime my DD and see my DGC?

I agree with all the comments that have been made. My son and his partner are the exactly the same, except at Christmas they go over the top with gifts, many of which I could do without! I'd rather they held onto the money, so they don't have to "borrow" it from me later in the year!! They just don't think. They are busy working and living life. Its true to say that our parents may well have thought the same about us!

I was an only child and consequently felt very swamped by my needy mother. I always vowed never to put the same pressures on my children I think they probably get cross because I am so busy.

I do a fair bit of babysitting and have just had grandson to stay for a couple of nights which was lovely but I don't expect anything from them.

If my daughters complain I am so busy I always ask them if they would prefer me to be sitting doing nothing just waiting for their call. They wouldn't !!

I don't keep in touch much with my mother, I do the duty visit either once a week or once a fortnight. She is 85 and very active, but she's also a vindictive controller who has never shown any love,she just likes to control people with her money. And when they don't play her game she very 2 faced. So it's not always the child's fault

NudeJude I agree with you!
Just sitting here fuming about family brunch here yesterday, organised by DD at MY house. No-one brought as much as a bunch of flowers and they left without either a word of thanks, or offers to help with clearing up or do the dishes.(Dishwasher had packed up)
DD cooked, but abandoned trays, pots etc. This was despite the fact that I was wheezing like a banshee and my hand was in a splint.
I didn't bring them up to be like this. I am so disappointed in them! It just wasn't worth the huffing and puffing, asking them to help.

No NudeJude .... No objections from me. I agree wholeheartedly- our children's generation seem to be immensely selfish at times.... and how lucky for the mums who have fantastic children who do actually keep in touch ....

I too have a daughter who shows no interest whatsoever in what's happening in my life. Unfortunately, unlike so many others who have responded to this post, I don't think it's just a case of people being so busy these days, that's just an excuse we make for them - we were busy too. I think it's a case of us being responsible for our own disappointment. We appear to have raised a nation of spoilt children, continuing the practice of our parents in trying to give them more than we had ourselves, but it's now got to a point where having given them so much, they have turned out to be incredibly selfish, only concerned with themselves and their own needs and desires. I appreciate that when we do things to help our kids out, ie, minding the grandkids etc., we don't do it for any reward, caring for the children is enough in itself, but I thought I'd brought my daughter up to understand that families should help each other out in times of need. When I had cause to challenge my daughter on this at one time, pointing out how much I've helped her out with anything and everything over the years, she told me 'you don't do things for what you get back, people should only do things for each other if they want to'! In other words, I wanted to do things to help her out, but she DIDN'T WANT to do anything for me in return even when I needed her assistance, talk about selfish. She's held it against me for years that she didn't have a computer as all her friends did when she was a teenager, when in actuality probably only one of two from wealthier backgrounds did - the fact was, that at that time, computers were very expensive and we simply couldn't afford to buy one for her, although of course we would have, if we'd had the money. So I'm really sorry SandraK, but I think it's a case of learning to live with the fact that our offspring are just plain selfish!

Now wait for all the objectors to write in!! lol.

My two children treat me badly. I don't exist even though there are three GC that I never see. Not to send money for birthday but don't know what the GC are into. I had to have bereavement counselling to understand a bit better. I don't like the situation. I cannot accept the situation but have developed a put up and shut up attitude. It breaks my heart, I am so lonely as I cannot get out much and have just a couple of friends who both work and have lovely families around them. Sorry for your situation.

Because she knows you love her and will forgive all every time. She is probably depressed and cannot think outside the box. Give her time and keep support going as much as you can. She will be thinking about you but then feels guilty so she puts off getting in touch till she feels stronger. The result of the pressures of modern life, I'm afraid.

I hope this makes sense to you. Things will get better in time. Good luck and keep strong!

I am glad I read these posts and am not alone.
I feel the same way about my children, especially my sons. They live very close to me, yet despite having periods of ill health, I hardly ever get a text from the boys. My husband says it's because I play everything down and they lead very busy lives. Most of my conditions are unseen, so you would never know how unwell I am. The only time they fussed was before Christmas when I had an op on my hand and had a massive bandage from fingers to shoulder! One son cancelled a trip to London to take me into and pick me up from hospital. You could have knocked me down with a feather.
I wonder if I am expecting too much. I worked full time, brought up three children, at the same time studied for another degree and looked after my elderly, frail mother with Alzheimers.So I expect them to be caring like us was.
I dread getting to the stage where I will need their help, I don't see them stepping up to the mark. They are not bad people, just quite self centred and busy with their lives I think.We look after baby GD two days a week, but are expected to drop everything to cover other gran's days at the drop of a hat. No thanks, no apologising for us having to cancel plans.I often wonder where we went wrong. Too much done for them and too much help from the bank of mum and dad!
It's easy to say, don't give them any more money, or say "No" when asked to help. The bottom line is we love our children and don't like to see them doing without.

I have three children and all of them are also different in their day to day involvement with the family. You have to step back from this situation and ask yourself why do you need this involvement? I agree that contact with children doesn't necessarily equate to their regard for you and we all need to remember that.

It seems to me that you do way to much for your daughter and you should be more realistic in what it is reasonable for her to expect from you. You risk what happened for me with one of my offspring in that contact ceased when financial practical help was withdrawn but at least I am no longer perusing an unwanted relationship.

I, too, have found encouragement in this thread. I am going through a horrendous time with BOTH my son and daughter. Daughter lives in USA. Too long a story to write here, but the upshot is I am now forbidden by son in law (he's American and almost my age!) to contact them electronically (!) or by telephone, and that I have to go and get checked out for a personality disorder !!!! (I did go to my doctor who was wonderful and wrote an official letter saying I'm sane basically!!!).
This all came about because I sent a coat for my GD (4) and my daughter wrote back that I have to stop sending things as it makes her feel she can't look after the children 'without you' .... It was a gift because I love her....... And I'm four thousand miles away!!!!
My son and DIL in Wales won't let me visit my GS during half term either....
Like many others, I only need the most basic contact, but it's not forthcoming!! This is just the tip of the iceberg!!! Thanks for letting me rant.....

I would say that the OP's situation is par for the course (mind you, we do have weekly contact with the two of our sons who have children).

Back in the 80s, I probably didn't phone or write to my parents very often either to let them speak to the children.

So the payback will come when they are grandparents themselves.

Now I am one myself, I regret not including my parents more (we lived abroad) when the children were little and am doing what I can to keep my mother up to date with her great-grandchildren.

I get pretty much the same from DD. She never calls unless she wants something, and I've given up calling/texting her as she never answers or replies. Even email is rarely responded to. Although she has in the past suggested that we should have weekly Skypes so I can see/talk to DGS she never sticks to it so it's more like twice a year. Somehow I manage to ensure that I see them approx once a month. Either I go there or I pay for them to come to me (she's always too broke to buy a train ticket, but not too broke to spend money on things she wants).
I don't like it, but it's just the way it is

I don't think we should make excuses for our children if they are behaving badly. I have regular contact with mine, (by text quite a lot, which is fine). I am always there for them and would expect the same in return.

Seems to me you have done over and beyond a lot of things for them and they are very lucky to have you, don't take this the wrong way but they seem to take you for granted. It's nice to help out and to support them but I think you should pull back a bit and not do so much finically for them.

A similar experience here too with one of our daughters. She only contacts us (usually by text) when she wants something,. We sold our house and rented near to family but moved back after a short time for a variety of reasons. The main reason being we were told in no uncertain terms that "we were not to live in their pockets" to which I replied that we were not to be at their beck and call. We kept one side of the bargain and not hard to guess which. In the 6 months we were there, we didn't get invited round for so much as a cup of tea.
Initially, I was very upset but have since taken a more positive approach and now decided that it's time to live life for us and not our family.
On a positive side, our other two children are much more considerate.

NANNA.....Having read all of these messages today has helped me a lot.
I must agree with your last sentence 100%.
I've been having a similar problem with my step daughter and now realise that I just have to accept what you say. I used to phone my elderly parents every Sunday.....even after a huge row that I had with my Dad I still continued the same pattern. I have regular contact with my other step family so consider myself fortunate to have that and hope that my step daughter will in time change her attitude. It's just so weird that she never phones and just uses whatsap but even that has stopped now that I told her some home truths !!! Good luck to everyone here who shares the same problem.

NANNA. ....

I agree with most of what's already been said. I think as a parent being taken for granted is pretty much par for the course. I often feel similar to SandraK and although it's made me frequently upset and sometimes angry I have now learned to accept that my daughter is as she is. I may be at fault too to a certain extent as I am very independent and capable and rarely ask for help so perhaps she doesn't feel the need to worry about me much. I do see her and grandchildren often though as they live quite close by so I'm luckier than most I suppose. My advice would be to accept that everyone is different and we can't always expect others to behave in the way we would - hard as that can be to swallow.

"What do you think folks?" is your question - this is what I think. I think the situation is entirely normal and that you are hoping for too much, and worrying too much.

"They are lovely when they visit"
"My daughter was brilliant when I had a hip replacement"
"I know deep down she loves me."

These all sound wonderful and I am sure you appreciate these.

But they seem to be overshadowed by what I feel are unreasonable expectations:

"A phone call every few days would do it." - sometimes my DDs do this, sometimes, they don't. It never occurs to me to mind in any way - I know that they are getting on with their lives (which is what we bring them up to do after all) and that I am there in the back of their minds and they would be ready to help if needs be (as your DD has in the past).

"why don't you phone Grandma to say goodnight?" - none of my 7 GC have EVER phoned me to say goodnight - why would they?

" When I called today (after 3 days) just to speak to my grandson, he didn't even ask if I was recovering and said they were in a hurry because they were on their way out!" - mine are so busy and are often on their way out if I ring - that is fine by me.

And I do find it strange that you totted up the Christmas presents and found them lacking, and that you felt the spaceship your DGC had made for you was somehow lacking - I love getting presents that the children have made. This Christmas I had just one present from everyone - a handbag - no not an expensive designer one!; but there is nothing I need and they know that. They also know that I do not need material things to demonstrate their love for us.

We too have given money to our children from a legacy to enable them to put down deposits on their homes - there are no strings on that - we expect nothing in return, except to know that they have more comfortable homes than they might otherwise have had.

If they sense your resentment, they are likely to reduce contact even more.

We get on with our lives and enjoy those things that being retired makes possible, and let our children get on with theirs. We love to see them and make them welcome and enjoy the bit of child care we do.

Could you try and think more positively? - there are grandparents on here who do not see their GC at all.

I agree with poster above .I was35 by the time my parents had a phone and constant contact was not expected.I did write to them occasionally . Afer dad died I did ring my mum.once a week but no more .One DD calls about once a fortnight the other never. I dont ring them as one DD works shifts and the other is often out. .But we all text and have a Whatsapp group to share news. Occasional email if there is something to 'sort out'. And I'm their friend on FB ,as is their father
Its fine by me ...can't understand the need to be always talking/in touch. I love my DDs dearly and we get on very well .

Poor SandraK much of what you describe seems quite par for the course for many of us (the phone calls or lack of unless childcare is needed) but I think Luckygirl is right, when our DC were young and we were juggling jobs most of us didn't give our own parents the time and attention we would like now.
Doesn't mean they don't love you, but you have much more time to think about things and to miss them(more than they miss you, harsh but true. That is life)
Two things occur to me(maybe three)
1) Why the joint bank account?
She is a married woman not a dependent child so I would terminate that (nicely) forthwith.
2) it sounds as if you need more to fill your time and to make you a more interesting person in your own right. It will give you something to talk about and they may be relieved you are then less needy
3) if you are recovering from pneumonia you may well be feeling like sh*t and the slightest thing will depress you. Not saying you don't have (some) cause, but it may seem less dire once you are on the mend.
Finally, without wishing to diminish the pain you are feeling - things could be a lot worse and if you read any of the "estranged" threads on GN you will see many instances of worse.
So chin up, try to get things in proportion (and do not forget that a GIFT should be given without strings. )
{{hugs}}

I know it's a generalisation but it does seem that many people live very egocentric lives now-and maybe you're on the receiving end of that. But relationships do change over time so it may not always be as it is now. It is painful and hurtful but if you can see a way forward perhaps you could distance yourself from them a bit as well, and get immersed in an aspect of your own life that brings you some happiness. This will at least distract you so you don't keep thinking of them. You're not alone.