Why does my daughter treat me this way?

have you tried keeping in touch via facebook messaging? they can then reply when they have the time

Sometimes, grandchildren keep in touch via their parent hen they ring them, so it maybe that you are in their thoughts more than you know.

The house the money etc, what else would you do with it? Better surely to see them have the benefit of it now than wait until you have no need of it yourself.

King Lear was right about some kids, but they are the way that life shapes them and we were part of that.

My kids used to ring my dad and then complained to me that he hardly spoke to them, a generational mismatch, dad thought phones were for emergencies and not chit chat.

You could try asking them to catch up with you, if you call and they are just 'on their way out' ask them to ring you later and tell you all about their day.

Good luck with it, I have one child who speaks to none of us, at all, ever.

BTW I had a joint account with my mum for for many years.
After dad died in '86 she had trouble getting access to his savings account. So mum added me to her current and savings accounts to prevent the same.

I phoned my mother every day when I was a stay at home mum. Less when I was working. I tried with mil but she wasn't easy as DH had dreadful hours when we were young and often fell asleep the moment he had eaten. He barely saw me or the children. Mil firmly believed that if I said he wasn't home I was trying to stop her talking to him or him talking to her. When my DM was in her last year and we had moved to the north of England I phoned morning noon and night and she probably got fed up with me until I persuaded her to move in with us. Mil was another 15 years being crotchety but I made DH phone up weekly when his hours became more humane. He didn't enjoy talking because she grumbled. So when the dd phone up- one rarely I try and be upbeat and always ring off first so that I don't seem needy

Much the same here . I looked after my grandchildren last Saturday as my SIL was at work inA and E all day and my DD was on call all day. I enjoyed doing that but it does seemI'm only invited when they need help. Slightly better since they moved much nearer to me,but it would be nice to be invited for Sunday Lunch occasionally as I am on my own since my DH died over 8 years ago . Seems this situation is quite common from talking to friends. Some do have much more contact which is lovely for them.

Just for the record my son has just changed jobs to work less hours so he can help more with my disabled daughter. Its about getting your priorities right.

I am also in agreement with Grannypiper however harsh it might sound. I just cant understand how nearly everyone is making excuses or her dreadful behaviour. So they are busy bringing up a family but I am sure there is some time just for a phone call, how long does it take for goodness sake. I would also ask why do ou need a joint bank account? For one your credit scoring will be linked with your daughter so if she doesn't keep herself financilly goodt then it will also show on your scoring. My bank advised me not to do it with my daughter when I was looking at doing so. I think you need a long hard talk with daughter about how you feel.

Good post Rhinestone

It amazes me how many of us can find excuses for our family. I have done it also until one day I realized that children make time for what they want to do. How difficult would it be while taking their children to wherever for a child to call their parent from their car to just say a two minute hello? If they can find two minutes to write on Facebook to post a food picture from a restaurant then why can't they call their parent in that same time? Saying they are busy is letting them off easy. We all have been or are busy. It's really about priorities isn't it? I was a working mom, single for a few years, yet I managed to talk and see my parents and grandmother regularly. I think many are afraid to speak up to their children or expect certain behaviors for fear of losing that child. That does nothing but create a generation of entitled children. What happened to " honoring your parents?"
Selfies, Twitter, Facebook have made our children all a little more self serving. They won't reject our money but give very little in return.

I felt a bit like this about 4 years ago I'd had a terrible year and I really pushed the boat out at Xmas and I was devastated to receive hardly anything from them after all I do for them it really got to me but I'd say let it go otherwise it just consumes you
I have a great relationship with them now so maybe give it time

It seems sad that your daughter can't just phone for a chat more often, but every two weeks isn't too bad. I've always envied people with daughters, having sons only. But I realise that the mother/daughter relationship isn't always as perfect as I used to dream it was. I am lucky that I get on well with my sons and see them regularly, and I have three grand-daughters so I feel blessed.
Adult children can be thoughtless, but mostly it's just that they lead busy lives.

I quite agree Ziggy, my daughter only rings when she wants something.i.e babysitting usually, help with house, car, etc.
I sometimes dread the phone ringing as it's usually DD wanting me to do something I don't particularly want to do.

Sounds mean I know, but sometimes you do feel a bit used.

My mother got a letter once a fortnight if she was lucky from when I left home at 18! Once I had a home of my own she visited once a year! We lived hundreds of miles apart in those pre internet days and that was the pattern for most of my contemporaries as there was little work in the area where we grew up.
Most young families, often with both parents working nowadays, have horrendous hours and financial pressures, so Grannies are lucky to fit in, except where they can be useful

Reading this strikes a note I have three sons and one is still very much involved with us as he is single and we help him quite a bit the other two call birthdays Christmas etc and rarely visit we are still working and find it hard to get to their houses but do try and help with babysitting etc as we both have elderly parents to see regularly we have a life that's dealt to us and reading gransnetters thoughts today has me me realise we are not alone! I however agree pull back on the money lending/giving and get yourself a holiday or some treats !!!

This is a very supportive and encouraging thread for me. I sometimes feel I'm out here alone and selfish at the disappointment I feel at the miminimalist contact I have with my children. Yes they're both caught up in this modern age of panic and seeming stress but - I didn't just disappear. When we actually meet up it's terrific and I never approach the subject lest I 'spoil the occasion'. I have to disagree with grannypiper in that I feel 'telling it how it is' or airing a grievance may well have a negative result or be seen as an ultimatum. The outcome may be disastrous! Find it strange that BOTH of my children have adopted this minimum contact as we had a long and lovely family rearing and relationship. Mmmmmmm..........

'Oh tis sharper than a serpents tooth to have a thankless child' or something like that. My daughter has had a similar reaction to my generosity. She can be quite vicious when questioned. She says I only gave her money etc because I felt guilty because I was a crap mother. So after years of trying and yes feeling like the worst mother in the world I finally gave up. I wrote to her that I love her and the kids and will always support her when I can but was determined to enjoy my retirement on what little money I have left. She has improved slightly, especially when she needs me. She adores her mother in law who has done little to help ouch but that is the way it is.

I would stop with the money firstly. Make life too easy and become a doormat, and thats how sadly, whether she means to or not, will treat you. But I am all for the school of talking! Talk! I told my grandaughter that I missed her chatter as she got older, that I didn;t want hours of her time, just a bit more of her attention, and I told her I was a little lonely, and she was amazing. She gave me a huge hug and told me off for not telling her sooner! Since then I get a quick phone call every other day, even lovely letters in the post though we live near, because I told her I miss getting post lol. Don't hide your hurt, but don't bring up the money thing...you gave her these things, however, maybe change the joint account, thats just odd!
You do seem to have a wee grudge at all you have spent, money and time wise, so do less! Make them miss you! lol

I think I was a bit harsh upthread, but I'm cross with your daughter on your behalf, op.

I just hope she isn't exploiting you, that's all.

It takes seconds to send a text, ffs.

Firstly I am so sorry you feel this way, and I do understand. My daughter is 27 this week, I spent the last 12 weeks of the pregnancy in hospital and was expecting a very sick baby. Now, although she has a few problems health wise, she has just gained her master's degree, lives with a wonderful guy and they have bought a lovely apartment.
Her childhood wasn't easy and her father was an alcoholic and died from cancer when she was 17. She also suffered sexual abuse (which she only told me about a year ago)
Anyway my point is, I too get upset that she only calls if she needs something, she would never ring just for a chat but then she tells me this days hardly anyone does. We keep in touch mainly via facebook and texts.
As for getting your grandchildren to call to say goodnight, I agree with Iam64 life these days for young parents is hard work. Does she work? How many children do they have?
It is a very different world to when we were young mummies. It doesn't sound to me like she doesn't care it sounds more like a case of finding time.
Maybe getting out and about more yourself and chatting to others with grown up daughters may help you. And if being bank of grandma is upsetting you then stop ! Unfortunately money doesn't buy everything

Sorry you feel the way you do, but how did you go from being unable to leave your husband due to financial constraints to buying a house for your daughter?

You've said you know your daughter loves you, be content with that and live your own life. Get out there, make friends, join clubs or do whatever it takes to make you happy.

There's many people who spend Christmas alone without the benefit of family who visit. Be grateful for what you have and if you think you are being taken advantage of, then stop and put yourself first.

Hope you have recovered from your pneumonia. Cheer up! Spring will soon be here, get out and enjoy it, life's too short.

I think it's just a case of busy lives getting in the way, SandraK. Your daughter obviously loves you - just look at how she stepped up to the mark when you were ill! Communication can take so many forms these days. I'm lucky enough to see my lot regularly, but we rarely ring each other. We text, and we have a family Whatsapp group which we all use, so we know what everyone's up to. I woke up to five messages to read on there today, and a couple of lovely photos. It's far from impersonal/superficial. We're all on Facebook, but only one of my DDs uses it regularly. We email occasionally if there's a lot to say. Twitter is still a foreign country to me!

We might be unusual though, being very close but not ringing unless it's something urgent. My DC's partners are all avid mobile users, ringing their parents regularly, at least once a day, usually more. I suppose it's just how different families work, but I prefer our way . I probably set the tone for this anyway, as I only used to ring my mum and dad once a week, on a Friday evening, though we did also send each other letters in those days. I loved them to bits. If they felt neglected they never told me (and believe me they would have done!).

Could you not just say to your daughter that you'd love to talk to her more often, say twice a week?

I wouldn't have been overwhelmed with the Christmas presents though

I think this situation is fairly common these days. I have not heard from DD since Christmas day, she lives abroad and travels frequently so it is not always convenient to telephone. I live with the assumption that no news is good news because you quickly hear if assistance is required. A relative has just informed me that she will be in the UK this weekend

I'm sorry but I agree with grannypiper. You sound guilty about her childhood, blaming yourself for her unhappiness. You have gone way above and beyond for her; you have given her a house, fgs!

It sounds to me as though she is taking advantage of you big time.

And the setup sounds odd to me. Sharing a bank account? Why? Whose idea was that?

She's taking the pee, seriously. Perhaps you should step back a bit and be unavailable next time she asks for free childcare. Or maybe you just need to get a life that revolves less around her and more around yourself.

I'm another that can relate to your story. D has had more than her share of H's and my time and money. I have done hours of child care and school runs. Her and her partner have been living with us since the beginning of November, contributing nothing more than occasional bits and pieces of food for themselves.
When they move out on Friday they will be living about an hour away. I will as you say receive the odd random text or an occasional phone call if she wants/needs something. I find out more about her life through FB When she's not around I do know that she would be there if I needed her and that's all I can ask.
You are not alone, I'm not happy with the situation but hey !

Very harsh comments there granny piper. I do hope the OP doesn't follow it because there are enough grandparents posting on this site about the breakdown of their relationship with adult children.
The OP's daughter doesn't sound like a "brat" to me. Life is tough for all young parents and has been for every generation. It's tough for us oldies as well. Sadly, none of us fully realise that when we're youngish adults, busy with work and family life.
By the way, it takes more than one person to 'sort this mess out'.