Should I change?

sunseker it's hard to change our personality, but being giving ( when you can) is a lovely way to be.Nobody wants to be made a mug of though,so if you help a friend or relative or neighbour but this is never reciprocated when you need it, then row back a bit on the help.They have to know that you need it though, even if it's just a bit of sympathy you're after. So make sure they know.

katyK

It's difficult to change. I tried it once, those around me took the 'what's the matter with you?' attitude. It caused problems. So I've gone back to being how I was. I agree with Mawbroon I always say 'fine' when the family ask how I am but I sometimes feel like screaming NO I'M NOT FINE but I don't. I have a new definition of fine which I sometimes think of when I am asked how I am - Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

coolgran65 what younsay really resonated with me.
I am a coper too, and if I am being honest I would not have it otherwise, BUT (big but) I do often wish the rest of the family didn't assume that when I say I am "fine" that I necessarily mean it!!
I don't want to moan or be a misery to them, to have them run and hide when they see me coming but how nice to have someone help shoulder the burden without being asked!
I should be flattered that they feel they can count on me but sometimes it gets lonely.

dj I understand that perfectly. I've always been on hand for my 3 and that's why I'm gradually making it more obvious that I may need a hand too.
They know that if they need something - help with DGCs, knitting a gift for a friend's baby, seeing to the dog if they're away for the day, cash, a shoulder to cry on after a break-up - all the things mums do, then they ask and I give.
I taught 2 of the 3 the art of hanging wallpaper they've taken on the job for me now!
They're happy to help. It just hasn't been obvious until recently that they might have to.

I am a coper.

For some reason these last couple of days I've felt on a downer and can't put my finger on it. Yes, I'm sore and achey (fibro and arthritis, also I don't sleep well) but that's always the way, it's more that I feel sad. Last night when out with family I could feel tears pricking but I was doing the chat etc and noone knew.

DH has asked me a couple of times am I ok... as I prepare Sunday roast dinner for 8. He always helps, does the potatoes, lays the table etc. Loads the dishwasher. The dc clear the table, and one makes the coffee. I'm sometimes fed up doing this ritual every Sunday, but they all love it, and once they are here it's laughter and joy.
And it means so much to dh.

Why oh why can't I find the suitable words to say..... if I say well, I'm not fine... because I'm then stuck to say just what's up!

Ever a coper. I can ask for help in certain circumstances.
But not when it's personal like, like what.. I don't know .......even now I can't find the words to describe what I mean. Am I just getting older and not as capable, and don't like it.

I'm tired of being a giver but don't want to be a taker.

If you need help, ask for it. Don't wait until I did and have a medical emergency before you ask for it. It comes as such a shock to the family if you do that.
I even had to ask a granddaughter to grout my shower for me, after taping over the joints that needed doing! She also changed light bulbs for me while she was here, as she's tall enough not to need a stool or stepladder.
To have to say thankyou to someone doing something for me is an unusual experience, too.

Good one * Monica*. Perfectly summed up. Put it with a pretty picture and that could go viral!

My words Broadwater were 'that makes you better than those who take all the time' - what's your problem with that.? Or have I struck a nerve perhaps?

Back off and find someone else bo snipe at!

Ina world where there are 'givers' and 'takers'. The givers are usually giving to the takers. Hence the lack of appreciation.

I don't agree with the quote anyway. Seems to me the takers of this world are very happy indeed!
If you are a giver Sunseeker, you probably won't be happy with too much taking. I know it always makes me feel under obligation. What I would recommend is that you start giving more to yourself. More time, more money, more doing what you enjoy. This will mean less for other people but you are worth it!

You're right CFrance. There are people I'd love to help but they always say no and it's like throwing my friendship back in my face. I do try to acept help and generosity with grace, even when it's not needed.

It's also good to receive graciously. People do like to return help if they can and if we keep saying ' no that's ok thanks' they will stop offering and not want to take our help either .

I think you should be happy and proud to think that you are the person people turn to when they need help. You are obviously a caring and generous person, and I don't think it would be in your nature to become a 'taker.' I don't think it is possible either for any of us to fundamentally change the type of person we are.

Sunseeker I also believe that you will not change your giving self. You are evidently a thoroughly nice person, and it gives you pleasure to help. Perhaps just now, try to ask for a bit of help if needed.

I've recently discovered that asking for occasion minor assistance might be the way to go.
I'm lucky that my 3 DC's live locally and when DS pops in it's easy to point out the bulb that has just popped and ask 'while you're here would you pl change it'
I mentioned to DD that I was having the carpets cleaned and she offered to come along after work next day to help me move furniture.
I've always coped very well but am now letting them see that I might need a hand with certain heavy or high 'stuff'.

Yes people who never "give" are selfish , there has to be give and take , speaking as one who now is on the "take" end of life . I am so lucky that people are giving of their time to me , still fending off eldest DD trying to help me put on socks and shoes

Really Anya? Givers are better people than takers?
I'm a giver when someone allows me that privilege but I really don't want to think that makes me 'better' than them.
Sunseeker I am sure you have enjoyed being in a position to help people and yes the day does come when you realise the traffic is all one way. It can't be changed and people are different. I hope your spirits lift soon and you can reflect on the happiness you've given and received in the past.

1)I agree with Elegran about those wretched trite soi-disant "inspirational" quotes. Remember when they used to be plastered round the workplace, presumably so that we would absorb them by osmosis?
2) Do you want to change? (Probably not)
and 3) after a lifetime of being" you " CAN you change? (Refer back to Do you want to?)
When we give, we don't do it with the condition that we can expect reciprocal consideration, although it IS nice when we are "done by as we have done" IYSWIM
You sound nice enough as you are, wish there were more like you

I suspect that, as a giver, you would find it almost impossible to turn selfish. You do what you do without thought of reward or recognition. That makes you a better person than those who just take all the time.

Remember that sunseeker

It is quite hurtful, isn't it sunseeker. I guess you start to know who your real friends are. Don't let it upset you, hopefully the sun is shining where you are and you'll soon start to feel more cheerful.

I admit I do find it hard to ask for help but one friend who I have helped a lot over the years has completely ignored a recent health scare I had, not a visit, not a phone call or even a card (yes she was aware of it). Perhaps it is my fault for, as you put it, soldiering on. Anyway, as I said I am feeling a bit down today and no doubt tomorrow I will look at this post and wonder what the hell I was thinking!

Those inspirational quotes are a damn pest, they either depress you or they are so patronising they get your back up and raise your bloodpressure. Best ignored.

Did they know that you needed their help, or were you soldiering on silently without complaint? If you have always been a coper, then everyone assumes that you are coping.