My heart has just been broken.......

Mawbroon - now that IS FUNNY - I won't be looking at swans the same way again now....you've made me feel a lot brighter.

Maybe your husband is realising that, as a drinker, he often fell short of the kind of partner he could have been?
Drink often covers up a host of other insecurities and issues.
I hope you and and he can get over his comment, you must have got over all kinds over the years. I take my hat off to you!

I can understand you being hurt when you have done your best and tried so hard. Your husband sounds as if he is depressed, living with an alcholic must be hell and I don't know how people cope. It's about time you looked after yourself. If you love him, try and brush this comment off as depression, when you feel up to it might it be a good idea to really talk about things.?

He is obviously feeling sorry for himself and the best form of defence is usually attack
I personally would totally ignore his sniping , you know what you have done for him and so does he !
Enjoy your family and what you have and allow DH the occasional wallow
I speak very much from experience
Good luck,

I think I should add that we had a first wedding anniversary card last Sunday (from our Church) with swans on the front. My husband wondered whether it was from his first wife, because she liked swans apparently. Now that is hurtful
Zorro is it not more likely that someone has a sense of humour and recognises that marriage is often like swans? All serene on the surface but paddling like sh*t under the water !

I wonder if his thoughtless remark just caught you on a bad day?
I would try to let it go, it is too easy to let the hurt caused by ill-chosen words fester and grow into a real grievance.
You could take a deep breath, and say "you know that really hurt me" but a) he has probably forgotten, b) he will get defensive and c) he may well end up making a bad situation worse.
Try to leave it in the past. Some men are not very good with words and he may also have been reflecting his own feelings about the hard life he has given you.
He is lucky you DO put up with him, maybe he needs a warning....?

It sounds like you need AlAnon, and he needs AA. Alcoholism is a mental condition as well as an addiction and stopping drinking only addresses one part of the problem. You are not responsible for him and his condition is not your fault. An alcoholic will often be susceptible to unresolved resentments and feelings of inadequacy. They have to manage their own recovery and AlAnon is there to help the non-alcoholics understand this.

What Anniebach said - he just sounds a bit insecure / inadequate. You shouldn't be hurt by it. Just try not to stress about entertaining & enjoy yourself.

Upcoming reunion stirs up some feelings and I think your husband just wants some reassuring that you still love him and that he's your number one. As an ex alcoholic who needed your help he may a. feel inadequate and insecure b. put up with alchohol being served? c. Continues to feel badly that you once had to take the reins for him

I can offer a lot of sympathy, my late DH was an alcoholic & suffered from depression. When he wasn't drinking he was a lovely man but when drinking he would sink into depression. All he wanted to do was drink, sleep & eat in that order. Personal hygiene became a problem, he didn't want to shave, when he did finally start to recover he had a beard to shave off

My DH died of lung cancer sadly, we were together 23 years, married for 21. I have many good memories but at times he could say hurtful things.

I do think you need to tell him his remark was hurtful & try to get him to talk or else this will fester away. I wish you well

In short, my immediate reaction would be more of anger than anything else because I think saying stuff like that to someone who loves you is just mean emotional manipulation.

And your husband succeeded in manipulating your emotions, travelsafar, didn't he? Left you broken hearted.

Yes, I'd get angry and give any such nonsense a piece of my mind. Take no shit.

Been thinking... if my husband said I just put up with him, I hope I'd say: Yes, I do put up with you and you put up with me; it's part of the deal of being married. I don't just put up with you so stop being so melodramatic.

I think I should add that we had a first wedding anniversary card last Sunday (from our Church) with swans on the front. My husband wondered whether it was from his first wife, because she liked swans apparently. Now that is hurtful !

ps and doesn't want to take it all so seriously (I think?)

The OP's last post, yesterday, suggests that she now realises that, Bluebell.

Moxeyns - I have looked at the 5 Love Languages info you posted. It is excellent, and speaks volumes. You may remember me posting in a similar way to the OP about being told by my husband to "act my part" - it is so easy to feel hurt by something said.

I am a bit like the OP's husband - I am really out of my comfort zone at a meeting of husband's relations. To me, all his daughters (3) is like having 3 mother in laws to deal with, let alone his son as well. They all want things from him, and I feel neglected. I therefore feel some sympathy for him. There must be something you are saying or doing which is giving this impression. You do need to discuss why he feels like he does. In my case I build up frustration, and get angry. It does not help if you can't admit this.

Well said BLUEBELL , that's kind of what I meant , but you have put it so much clearer

There must be more to this or else I m just not reading it right ....your partner says ' you just put up with me ' and you're heart broken I don't get it what's is there to break your heart about that sentence, was it his tone of voice or was it in context with other words that hurt you If you have done so much for him over 20 years including being the bread winner maybe he feels totally useless and was trying clumsily to say that maybe he's the one who is broken hearted over feeling he's let you down all his life

Insist that he explains his comment , as it has left you confused & heart broken. Perhaps that will lead onto an honest discussion which will clear the air & allow you to both move forwards with an even better understanding of each other.

Difficult for you not to over react, but don't take it out of context...at least he has spoken to you so you are fortunate ! My firs husband (compulsive gambler ,,,came home on Christmas and announced he was leaving as he didn't love me anymore and wanted to 'find himself; (!) .....and ran off with the local barmaid !!

Second long term partner was a womanising depressive ...ran off with someone from the US he had never met ,,.....]

Second husband former (his family tell me) member of the AA (and not the road organisation !) .......now has been diagnosed with Parkinsons and Dementia .....

my brother said ;You know how to pick em '! ....so , yes, ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel discuss and see what happens ! Good luck ! Where there is life there is hope Bon courage !

My DH is/was an alcoholic and he cannot cope with any gathering where there is alcohol . Our extended family are not big drinkers but even so he chooses not attend any gatherings nowadays - difficult if it's at your place ! DH has never really addressed his problems that the alcohol masked . Maybe it's the same in your OH case .

Sounds to me like he's feeling you are "in charge" and therefore he's not valued. Sit down and talk to him about how you both feel.

He's feeling insecure and sorry for himself..... somewhat depressed as well without the prop of alcohol. You've done a wonderful job to keep the relationship going - I know I couldn't......

Travalsafer
PS You are his wife, for better or worse, not his mother.

Travelsafar How important is it to you that you attend the next family gathering?
I wonder what has suddenly made your husband bring up the subject of 'how do you put up with him'.
You appear a very independent person and your family sound very important to you and maybe you believe your husband should feel the same.
Men will always subconsciously be 'me Tarzan you Jane'
That you have done what appears to be 'everything' for him in the years you have been married and have quite openly let him be aware of this I am not surprised the poor guy is feeling superfluous to requirements.
I cannot advise what to do for your future only the present.So cancel the family get together, go of somewhere together for a short break and book a session with Relate on your return .Don't let it get to the point of no return.