Gransnet forums

My heart has just been broken.......

(62 Posts)
travelsafar Thu 18-May-17 14:48:53

I am dumb founded, that after being together for 24 years 20 of those married in June this year, my husband says that i just put up with him. All those years of working as the main breadwinner, giving him stability, security, care and understanding when he was recovering from a drinking problem, the emotional torment when he was drunk, taking on the financial responsibility so he didnt have to worry and doing everything i could and can to make his life easy this is what i have been told today. My heart is broken. confused and sad

Ana Thu 18-May-17 14:53:39

Sorry, but without the ccontext I don't know how to reply. Was he fishing for compliments, or hoping that you'd contradict him? Did he say it in a joking manner?

How did it arise?

Ana Thu 18-May-17 14:55:13

Perhaps he's really insecure...

gillybob Thu 18-May-17 15:04:10

I too am a little bit puzzled travelsafar. it doesn't take much

Is he worried that you don't love him but just tolerate him?

Can you explain what you mean please?

travelsafar Thu 18-May-17 15:17:15

We were talking about a family gathering and i know he doesnt enjoy entertaining but we do it maybe once or twice a year at the most. He alluded to the fact that my children from previous marriage, who will be there, just put up with him and thats when he said that i do too.

angelab Thu 18-May-17 15:19:49

Tbh he sounds as if he might be depressed, travelsafar

Christinefrance Thu 18-May-17 15:24:03

I wouldn't take this too seriously travelasfar, sounds like he is upset and worried over the forthcoming family event.
We say hurtful things when we are worried or afraid and comments are usually directed at our nearest and dearest.
Sit down with him and tell him how his words hurt you, he needs to understand you are upset too.

Ana Thu 18-May-17 15:25:16

Yes I agree, I know it must have been upsetting for you to hear travelsafar but try not to take it to heart. He obviously knows all you've done for him and the family and possibly feels guilty and pretty useless.

Anniebach Thu 18-May-17 15:29:41

As you have done so much for him possibly he feels inadequate as a husband

TriciaF Thu 18-May-17 15:36:18

Yes, I think he's talking about his own feelings, not yours.
Try not to take it personally.
TBH I sometimes say to my dear husband, "Sometimes I don't know how I put up with you!" and he agrees. Which happened today once.
He says the same to me, but not so often.

travelsafar Thu 18-May-17 15:47:34

Thank you for your responses, maybe i am just feeling a bit sensitive today. I had been shopping for food etc for Sunday and getting in a bit of a panic about whether i had enough. Also i know he doesnt enjoy anything like this which kind of puts me on tenderhooks i suppose.

shysal Thu 18-May-17 16:16:21

I agree with those who think it is his own feeling of guilt that he is communicating. I hope the family get-together goes well and that you can both relax afterwards. You sound like a caring, kind person, but you must also take care of yourself, you are just as important as the others!flowers

Anya Thu 18-May-17 16:59:12

You are amazing to have helped him and supported him when recovering from a drink problem. He is probably fishing for reassurance but never-the-less he's lucky to have you and even luckier you didn't bop him one!

Anya Thu 18-May-17 16:59:44

Men can be such babies!

Luckygirl Thu 18-May-17 17:06:26

Get a bit of superglue on that broken heart, pick yourself up and enjoy your family get-together.

I can understand why he might feel a bit inadequate around your children - he is after all not their Dad and has put you through rather a lot! He might be feeling bad about that. But you clearly did this out of love and that is why his thoughtless comment has struck home. This may be a storm in a teacup. Deep breath and let it blow over - and well done to you for your stalwart care of your OH. flowers

MawBroon Thu 18-May-17 17:10:42

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0

Tell him he is bloody lucky somebody does put up with him. And that with that attitude, many wouldn't.

Then play him this from Fiddler on the Roof (Do you love me?) 💕

travelsafar Thu 18-May-17 18:03:45

MawBroon thank you so much for the link, so apt!!

To everyone else thank you for kind words and replies to my post.

I have chosen to ignore for now the hurt he caused me and put it down to mixed messages.

harrigran Thu 18-May-17 18:04:42

You are a saint, many would have given him the heave ho ages they say life's too short.ago, as

TriciaF Thu 18-May-17 18:07:53

I love that song, MawBroon.

Ziggy62 Thu 18-May-17 18:12:30

my first husband had a "drink problem" , he died nearly 10 years ago from pancreatic cancer. Almost 3 years ago I met another guy and we married last September, his ex-wife also had a drink problem. I now realise there is no one in this life more selfish or self centred then someone with a drink problem. sending u big big hugs xxxx

Nelliemoser Thu 18-May-17 18:27:45

I think Anniebach has made a very good point.

Elegran Thu 18-May-17 18:39:33

I think the subtext that he feels but isn't saying is "I don't know how you put up with me".
He needs you to say "I don't put up with you, I love you" - you do, don't you?

Ana Thu 18-May-17 18:44:04

Yes, perhaps he needs you to unbreak his heart, travelsafar?

phoenix Thu 18-May-17 18:48:45

So many problems, both major and minor, within a relationship are caused by lack of, or communication problems. (Believe me, I speak from experience).

We are all encouraged to talk openly and honestly with our husbands/partners/family members, but the bottom line is that some of them find it hard or impossible to have that sort of conversation (again, speaking from experience)

Sometimes in these circumstances a chat over a bottle of wine can loosen the tongue and the mind, but obviously that is not appropriate under the circumstances.

If you feel that talking could be hard for you both, then how about writing it all down, and leaving it as a note on his pillow, at his place at the table, whatever works for you.

People who have had problems with alcohol often still have low esteem issues (God, I hate that word) along with problems with actually talking about it.

There is a lot of stress/emphasis on "talking", it doesn't work for everyone, sometimes writing or email can be more comfortable.

Sorry, I've whittered on.blush

TriciaF Thu 18-May-17 19:21:26

travelsafar - you've opened up a subject that seems to have rung a bell with many of us - thank you! smile

Join the discussion

To post you need a valid nickname and password. Log in if you are a returning member, or join for free.

If you have forgotten your nickname or your password, you can get a reminder.