How do you cope with guilt & regret as you move towards old age?

All I can say is, don't look back. I made bad decisions in the past, I made some good ones too. The past is the past and you can't change it, get on with what you have now.
And maybe go see a doctor to get help with depression.

Do you spend a lot of time alone bee ?

I think I spend very little time "looking back" I might have a fleeting moment when I think 'if only' but that's it. We can't change our past, so shouldn't waste energy thinking about it.
Maybe you need to find more to occupy yourself, giving you less time for sitting thinking. All these negative thoughts are bad for you and could lead to depression

Hi bee. I sometimes reflect on things I've done in the past and think "What was I thinking?!" I'm pretty sure that happens to most of us. I've even apologised to a few people for mistakes I've made that have involved them.

But I never dwell on them because there's no point in that, is there? I've a friend who has fretted herself into a serious depression because she regrets having immigrated. That's not for me.

Look back, but don't stare, as the saying goes.

And just because you're getting older and have lived more years than those to come, it doesn't mean you stop looking forward...

No, not necessarily. Nobody reaches old age without having at sometime made seriously bad decisions.But what can you do about them now? Nothing. So what is the point of dwelling upon them? The past is the past. Think about all that was good in it and the good decisions you made and ignore the rest.

If the thoughts about these decisions are intrusive and try and force themselves on you develop some distraction techniques. Consciously block them and move your thoughts to something pleasant. if that will not work. Do soething to distract yourself. Read, listen to music, sing to yourselves. If it gets too bad seek CBT therapy.

Bee I m totally understanding I have this problem too and it's easy to say don't but your mind does what it wants, sometimes I feel I have no choice as to where it takes me
It's usually in the wee small hours or when I m alone ( which is quite often) I do keep busy I do voluntary work, meet up with friends, do hobbies have grandchildren, go out and about but it doesn't matter how busy you are there is still plenty of thinking time in a day I know how to do all the distraction stuff but it's still there ready to pop out and hurt
Of course logically there's no point as we can't change anything but short of shutting my brain down it's impossible not to go over things and life is rarely built on logic
You are very luck Ninathenan and others who can bypass the past but everyone's wired up differently and for some it's not so easy as just keeping busy ...and no I don't have depression I m as happy as the next person but I do have an active brain and it's often active in the wrong areas but that's my cross, I guess we all have one

Thank you all.
BlueBelle. Exactly. No matter how many friends I have, nights out, family get togethers, my mind can't quite forget the past. I envy people who can move on & leave the past alone, but I can't.
Maybe my regrets and bad decisions are just too severe?

Sometimes we learn from bad decisions and grow from experiencing difficult times. Hopefully learn more empathy and tolerance. There are very few people who sail through life without some bad/sad things happening.

And there are those who refuse to wallow in their emotions.

I don't suffer from guilt bee63 as I don't honestly think I could have done any more for my family than I have done (in the past and present) . As for regrets ( in the words of the song ) I have a few . Regrets that I made wrong decisions in life . Like you I do look back and think "if only I had done this or that differently" or whatever but no point in dwelling on those things now.

Do you only think of things that you regret bee

I think it would be strange not to reflect on things we could have done better but the bigger picture is what counts.

In my case, I do have regrets but on the whole I think I've done alright.

I think it's fair to say that there are some personality types who do live in the past inasmuch as they just can't let go and move on. This can be highly debilitating and cause mental health issues.

Almost everybody has 'regrets' and some have had terrible things happen in their lives, over which they had no control.

As momb says, you can learn from a bad decision, and who has not made them? The thing that haunts me are the occasions (mercifully few) in my life when I have let people down. Increasingly in recent years, those occasions hang round my neck like an albatross.

I do sympathise, Bee - I'm just the same!
If the bad decisions I made in the past had only affected me I would just shrug and get on with it, but they affected my children, who still live with the bad memories, and I find it very hard to live with the guilt.
I comfort myself by thinking that I did the best that I could manage at the time - and hindsight only came later !
I still find that guilt is a very painful emotion which has, at times, made me feel deeply depressed, but hey, I've never done anything illegal, and I'm sure that you haven't either, so maybe we should forgive ourselves and seek reconciliation with those we feel we may have wronged.

I agree with sluttygran, forgive yourself , life was different then and we hopefully have got wiser with age.
If you can do something to help others now you will have some good things to think about.

Bluebell and bee63 I am with you both on this one even though I am busy and not depressed. Some times some of things I've done come back in a big hot embarrassed rush and its just like I was there all over again. I keep thinking people can see through me to the person I was rather than the person I am now.

Write a list - every time you have a regretful thought, then write down a good thing that happened or that you did or decided. It is a good exercise and helps to focus your mind on a balance. I absolutely refuse to believe that all your decisions were bad!

No, not all my decisions have been bad, I've had many successes too - but it's the wrong choices I'm now dwelling on with such guilt & regret ( a termination of pregnancy for example ) at the time I was in a very difficult place financially, wasn't coping well with the children I already had, marriage not great - but I've ridden all those storms and things worked out ok. I wish I'd been stronger at the time and kept the baby, but I panicked. That's a decision you can never 'put right' - there have been other regrets too, so I guess it just all hits you when you get to a certain age.

I don't feel guilt. It's such a corrosive emotion. There is always a plus side to be found in any situation. If my path through life has taken what might be understood as a 'wrong' turn, for example, my marriage, which only lasted 15 years, I reflect on what I gained from it - two wonderful sons and their families. How lucky am I? Maybe I 'should have' studied law but becoming a teacher took me to a rewarding job in a beautiful and interesting part of the world. "Non, je ne regrette rien".

I have no guilt and no regrets and realise I am probably a very lucky person.
When you are diagnosed with a life limiting illness it makes you focus on the important things.

I always think that I did what I thought right at the time, given the circumstances and my knowledge and life experience. If anyone had told me I was doing it wrong, I wouldn't have listened anyway.
It all anyone can do; what they believe to be right.

Bee, you did the best you could at the time with the best of intentions. When I mentioned to my youngest DS that I was riddled with guilt regarding his and siblings' childhoods that is what he said to me and it gave me some solace. You cannot blame yourself now for what you decided so long ago and I am sure the children you have benefitted from the love of a great mum. Forgive yourself

I understand totally whet you are coming from Bee but I have come to understand that we look at things from the past with our existing 20/20 hindsight and without the benefit of all the life experience that we have since had and what all of those events have taught us.
We just have to tell ourselves that this is now and that was then - very different times and nobody else will look at our lives as critically as we do to ourselves. As someone else said - do forgive yourself.

Back in the day - when very young - a teacher wrote in my autograph book (what happened to those? - Social media I guess)
"Time that is past, thou never canst recall
Of time to come thou art not sure at all,
Time present only is within thy power,
So now improve the present hour!
A long winded way of saying "Live each day as it comes" All you can do really and it's true you can't go back so try not to fret about it.

We have all made mistakes in the past...some huge, some embarrassing, some not worth worrying about. I often think how I would have done things differently but because I am happy with life as it is now I move on from these thoughts. It seems to me you are not happy and looking back brings back the negative and not the good.
Write it down to get the thoughts out of your head..I bet you'll find there will be more good than bad.