How do you make new friends in later life?

BlueBelle - have to say my experience has been the same as yours. Over the years I have joined groups but, not having children (and therefore grandchildren) find I am left out of conversations, I tried volunteering in a charity shop but spent most of my time alone in the back of the shop sorting and steaming clothes. Walking into a new group alone is very daunting and when no-one says hello or explains anything then I just give up. I always say hello when I arrive and smile but I think when groups have been going to a long time "cliques" do form and they don't realise how hard it is for those of us who are alone looking for friendship.

The thing is, I am not sure that you can help someone else to make friends. You can advise them on groups or activities that they might like to join, but if they are not the friend-making sort, for whatever reason, the best they can probably hope for is the regular interaction that a shared activity brings, but at worst, if the experience isn't a positive one, they risk losing every remaining shred of self worth that they might have had,

MargaretX, how you descibe the relationship with your best friend is so similar to the one I had with mine. We met when we were both expecting our eldest children. She went on to have eight children and I had five, plus one long stay fosterling (and in the earlier years other small foster children). When we went out people used to think we came from a children's home!!
As the years went on we were able to talk to each other and 'complain' about our children in a way neither of us could to anyone else. We eventually lived about 50 miles from each other, but at least once every day had a long 'phone conversation. Even now, six years since she died - I often think, 'Oh I must tell M...... about that'.
There is no way that I could ever even try to build that sort of relationship with anyone else now.
I should think it was probably easier for me that she actually died, than having to cope with losing her through alzeimers!!! Her children all keep in touch with me,.
When I first retired I did do all the things suggested on here, joined U3A and other specialist groups, Have made loads of aquaintences, but not friends.

I am still friends with about six other ladies with whom I used to work many years ago. We meet very couple of months for lunch and try to get a round table so that it is easier to chat. Nobody dominates the conversation, so it works well.

I have had a few problems recently and one of them noticed that I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I told them all about my problems and it was a huge help to me. I know I can trust them to be discreet and kind. One of the other ladies was in a difficult position a few months ago and we all gave her a sympathetic listening.

One of my very best friends, who was an enormous help to me when I was getting divorced, got dementia a few years ago and I miss her dreadfully. I kept visiting her and she always remembered me. She died earlier this year and I am still unable to talk about her out loud.

Losing a friend to dementia (or anyone close really) is such a cruel way to lose them.

I'm near to tears hearing about Jane and Liz who also lost their best friend to dementia. My friend does not have Alzheimers but another sort of dementia but she is not who she was.

I know her children well but I don't see them as our paths never cross and actually they seem to be so in the middle of life itself that they accept their mother as she is.

BUT she was never the same with them as she was with me.

I help run a U3a group in the UK which is learning German and supply them with newspaper articles and quizzes etc to help them practice their German. They seem to be friendly but there is an inner group.

In Germany they don't go in much for new friendships but hang around with the people they went to school with or even those who they went to Kindergarten with or even colleagues. If you come from abroad like me then you usually get on best with those who are also born some where else. This is largely to do with the people who live in this part of Germany. I have heard that other parts of Germany are friendlier

Any group can be cliquy. Our U3A has a coffee morning once a week, and people do tend to hog a table and not let others join. We are working on that, we have a Welcome team for newbies, and as far as possible don't let them take chairs away :-)
Oh and the way round cliquiness is to join the committee. We are always looking for new people because there is a time limit on how long anyone can serve without a break.
You soon find where you have a talent that is useful.

The NWR - mentioned by me earlier- is not cliquey. They meet in people's houses and so they can't ignore you! They have to introduce you and the room is too small to exclude anyone.

The original NWR where I live eventually disbanded. I recently checked out a couple other groups nearby but they both held their meetings on what is my choir night.

I can't win at the moment.

I rather find now, that I get used as a new friend. The manager of the charity shop where I volunteered rang me often to fill in shifts but that was just convenience for her. A local friend I made, has, I just realised, used me as cat sitter / child care / parcel depot and borrowed money she had no intention of returning, you have to be careful when you are lonely not to be taken advantage of.

I sort of drifted into being obliging and got my fingers burnt.

I still have a couple of old friends and making new ones, well .....how eactly do you replace those lost years of history with them? There is just one person who remembers me now when I had a waist and was a 'stunner'. I am just a dumpy, old person fit for making up the numbers at charity things because they need to sell tickets, or for running the book stall.

What I really crave is a bit of bad company.........too late, I have found U3A groups stuffy and I am beset by tinnitus so going to things like WI, I can't hear what anyone is saying and frankly they are not reknowned for their anarchist tendencies (although they did give Blair a hard time) is it just being older that makes other people seem so dull?

I am dull too .....can't walk far or drive any distance, but I long to go to galleries and theatre and so few people want to do that, they all want to take me with them to the boot fair and I end up watching their kids while they go for a good look round.

I am invited to the Methodist Chapel picnic and 'praise in the park' on Sunday, I tell them I am not a Christian and they are such nice people..but entertaining it ain't. They say they invite me to things because 'I 'm better than Pam Ayres' at making them laugh, no pressure then.

I feel as if I live life going through the motions, the joy has gone.

Leticia - sorry to disagree but I joined NWR and as I don't have grandchildren found myself excluded from conversations and ignored. Gave up after trying for almost a year. NWR leaders are supposed to chose a subject to be discussed at the next meeting, in the group I joined, this subject was largely ignored and everyone talked about the achievements of their grandchildren. Now I was happy to congratulate them but I didn't want to spend an entire evening sitting in a corner listening to them.

I have no friends, but many acquaintances which gets me through..because I can switch off whenever I want to without explanation, which is what I do quite often. I have always been happy in my own company. I am lucky that I have never suffered from low self esteem which has enabled me to go to events/walking on my own etc. Low self esteem is the crux of the matter for your sister in law. She just needs "one push" with your help. Are there any coffee mornings, Knit and natter/bookart/music groups in her area, these are great places for people in her position. I've met numerous people in her position at groups I attend, you can see it on their faces. Everyone is made to feel so welcome that they come back again and they eventually start to gain confidence and join in the chitter chatter. Small steps.

I don,t really think you can help a person to make friends as such. They have to put something into themselves. Friendship is a two-way thing...to have a friend you need to be a friend. Some people are not lonely in their own company while others feel lonely in a crowd. It does get harder as you get older,especially once you retire and your workmates and social contacts can get much smaller over time. We have a really big library here which has allsorts of notices up advertising various groups and local events taking place but you either have to want to join in or find the confidence to join in. I would throw myself into everything whole heartedly in my younger years (more confidence) but tend to be far more cautious and wary now. I guess as so many people move away from their roots now for work etc., the type of communities that used to be a few decades back are few and far between and there is a lot more lonelyness than ever before when a friendly face used to be the norm.

Although I have always been a bit of a loner and longed for friends, I managed to be true to myself and be more or less accepted by others. I was relatively satisfied with this. Now in my early sixties, the quality of all my relationships seems to be lackluster. People seem to dismiss what I say if they listen at all. It seems to me that it was possible to speak and relate honestly and authentically with others when I was younger, even acquaintances and colleagues. I expect that I am dull too. The people in my main U3A group are nice but it seems to be a competition re holidays abroad. Everyone is so respectable. I would like some bad friends too. You don't have to be doing glamorous, exotic things to be interesting. There's a quality of warmth and a spark I long for but I probably haven't got it either. I am also going through the motions without joy, radicalnan, wondering if I am supposed to feel like this now. Also feeling guilty for not appreciating my fairly privileged life. It helps to know others have similar feelings.

Slightly puzzled - has your SIL asked you how to make friends?

I have a few friends and they mean a lot to me. I've mostly known them many years. I'm slightly fed up of this culture that suggests we must all have loads of friends and in my experience, those that do, often have no-one close to them really-so I would call them all acquaintances. That said, perhaps your sister doesn't want any friends at the moment. Personally, I'd be far more worried about her ongoing depression than anything else and I'd've thought that runs deeper than needing a friend. Maybe you could suggest she has some support for that if she's open to it.

One of my few talents in life is to make and keep friends - my best friend of 30-odd years lives 5 minutes walk away and I still have friends from schooldays. So this is not a problem that affects me personally but just to make a few observations.

As others have said, you need to work at friendships - you can join all the clubs you like but you have to make yourself available to meet up and suggest get-togethers.

Although I have my long-standing friends and most of all my sister to rely upon, about 4 years ago I became friends with a colleague I used to see occasionally on my agency nursing visits. We are now firm friends and have so much in common - we meet about once a month but email and text frequently, so you can make new friends in later life, if you want to.

I suppose also, like everything else, it's a matter of 'luck' whether you meet people who you're compatible with - sometimes you just click with someone, then a friendship can develop.

The friends I have had for years are all scattered now. Over the country or overseas. I can always call or e mail etc. I have tried to make new friends by all the means suggested above but I have a problem with motivation. Somehow I feel lonely from time to time but when it comes to going out and meeting people, I can't be bothered. The draw isn't there somehow. I have made friends but I don't want to just aimlessly talk. I have done voluntary work but it's just hard work for free. I found working with paid people meant they didn't think you were worth knowing other than a friendly work mate. I belong to meet up but it's more about men and women getting together and gossiping about how the men go from one lady to another. So feeling a bit down about it as it's never been a problem before.

Im sorry to hear people have found U3a cliquey - the geoup I go to is friendly and welcoming and we have a great time. However i did try anotger group in the same town and didnt enjoy it a bit so stoped goong. There are dozens of groyps in my locl u3a and i think you have to keeo trying till you find the right group for you - they are all different and it really depends on the people in the group. Anyone who is in a U3A group, NWR , choir , WI ir ant other i terest grop wase note the comments people ave written here and make an wffort to be friendly and welcoming to newcomers even if you dont feel like it!!
When I used to go to NHR (as it was then) we werent allowed to talk about our children or husbands or anything domestic (I found it quite hard) so Im surprised that at NWR (as it is now ) allows them to talk about grandchildren.

you have to be a joiner. Join anything and everything to give it a go. If it doesn't suit you then be a leaver

I came across this purely by chance...perhaps others can arrange meetings in their local area?

Northumberland Meetup

31/07/2017 12:52 Plainjaney

Hi to all Northumberland Gransnetters!

I'd like to arrange a meetup for us in September- my suggestion is:

Monday, 11th September at Heighley Gate garden centre near Morpeth at 10.30.

Is anyone near the Wanstead Woodford, East London area who would like to meet up ?
I know exactly what everyone means by meeting people but not having close friends. Because we have moved around my old friends are miles away.

Loopy loo I am in Redbridge. Have only moved here 18 months ago and would love to meet up.

oldwoman70 I think you have been really unfortunate with your local NWR group. I joined one 10 years ago and the meetings always keep to the topic on the programme. We have one lady who often wants to talk about anything and everything but also one very determined lady who manages to steer the conversation back on track! There is always general chatting over coffee but I don't know much about the personal lives of many of the members.

Such a good question and it's like someone said, do you want friends,, are you happy just the way you are??

It's very much a personal thing but maybe hard for some people to believe or understand that not everyone wants or needs friends.

But to answer your question as to how you can make friends when you are older is that there are many ways..

The WI which is the women's Institute, is the best way to make friends of all ages.

Join a local knitting or sewing group.

Join the church Mothers Group.. again any age group as Grandmas are also welcome

Join an evening class

Become a Volunteer

Join a local Reading club

The list is endless but she is going to need to make some effort and maybe you should ask her if she does actually want to have friends in her life..

Best wishes to your sister hope she finds what she's looking for